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Have you ever dumped a friend?

(13 Posts)
Filofax Mon 13-Oct-08 11:56:22

Hi all, just wondered if anyone had ever dumped a friend. I know we all lose touch with people but I think I need to cut ties with someone as she is just too complicated and unreliable to deal with. Main issues are her no shows and when we are to meet up,(she admits she doesn't own a diary or calendar because she'd lose it) various chips on her shoulder re her weight and her job(we used to work together many moons ago) and her secret drinking. Our contact is usually just now Christmas and birthday presents for our kids, which she drops off at my relatives business that is about 2 mins from her house. She has just sent an apologetic text claiming a family drama for not coming to my son's birthday - 6 hours after it finished. She treats a mutual friend the same way who is furious at her said I SHOULD NOT TEXT HER BACK. Don't want to hurt her but don't want to deal with her either. Feel like she is being dishonest and cowardly. What should I do - not send her kids presents and cards on their birthday when she has sent mine? Is there another way without looking mean myself? Look forward to some advice...

chequersandchess Mon 13-Oct-08 11:57:38

Just be honest with her?

Megglevache Mon 13-Oct-08 12:04:49

You are not alone!
I did this about 2 years ago and it's the best thing I ever did. I was quite vulnerable at the time and going through an awful time with my PIL and decided that they were family so I was lumbered but I had to take control when it came to my so called friends. This one particular friend had her good points it had to be said but her bad ones far outweighed anything else, she was two faced, spiteful and so opinionated. I felt sad because we were part of the same ante natal class for years but I just had to do it as I used to dread meetings (and biting my tongue) In my own house she even said the P word in front of me and my (mixed race child)

The final straw was telling her I was pregnant (9 weeks after a traumatic MC) I was tearful and nervous about the pregnancy and she rolled her eyes at me. (It later transpired that she was pregnant and didn't want to tell anyone about it- not yet 12 weeks- I gather she must have been peeved that I had taken away some of her thunder hmm)

I don't do confrontation but I just cut off all contact and she got the message quite quickly.

I do send her children a card for birthdays etc and they have been invited to my ds's birthday party but she has declined to date.

Fine by me. grin

I would just send the odd card and nothing else,s he sounds so flaky that she won't chase anything up anyway.
Good luck

Tommy Mon 13-Oct-08 12:04:57

people do naturally drift apart and it sounds like you have - if you only contact each other at Christmas and birthdays.

If it was me I think I would send a text baclsaying "No worries" or something like that and then just send a card for her child's birthday when it comes along.

If she gets upset and wants to know why you didn't send a present (which I would be a bit hmm about anyway), then would be the time to explain. If she doesn't, then you don't need to do anything else!

bogie Mon 13-Oct-08 12:08:25

I have recently a friend of mine kept letting me and ds down, She would promise my ds that she and her ds would meet up with us when he had finished nursey and go to the park, 5 times she didn't turn up ds was crying because he had been excited all day her ds was his best friend. It made me so mad that I just told her the next time we spoke that I couldn't be arsed with all the messing around anymore.

Pinkglow Mon 13-Oct-08 13:04:11

I did this years ago to my friend - she kept making plans with me and then either cancelling at the last minute or just not show up - I gave her about 3 chances about this, each time spelling it out for her that I was getting really pi%^ed off but in the end I just 'dumped' her.

She treated her boyfriend and other friends the same. Once of the best things I did - although its easier to dump a boyfriend than a friend IMO

londontipton Mon 13-Oct-08 13:15:01

Yes have also had to "dump" a couple of toxic friends over the years.

Once I went the all out confrontation route (NOT fun), the other time a more cowardly custard, let it drift approach.

Would definitely recommend the latter approach. Just be non-committal about any future plans, and leave all contact up to her. She will quickly get the message!

Spidermama Mon 13-Oct-08 13:15:07

I did it but I still feel slightly bad. This was an old friend who I had always felt a little distance from as she's the type of person who takes the piss a bit. She's always getting people to do things for her and her dd. I hate feeling like a mug.

Anyway the last straw came when she and another friend were outrageously late for my birthday meal. I'd booked the restaurant and couldn't go in on my own so ended up walking the streets on the evening of my birthday waiting. The booking had to be cancelled as we were so late and I sat in a bar waiting for them. (called them on the mobile and they kept saying they were on their way etc) Sat trying not to cry again in a bar on my own for a further 45 mins. angry

By the time they arrived I'd been crying and had all slidey-down make up and felt about as un-birthday-ish as it's possible to feel. Anyway instead of apologising she shouted at me saying I shouldn't make such a big deal about stuff. shockangry

So it was then I thought, fuck her.

She'd bought me a present which she gave me in the pub. I ebayed it. I really was so hurt I wanted nothing more to do with her.

BUT we have friends in common and she lives fairly near me so there's every likelyhood I'll bump into her.

I kind of thought there's no way out of this relationship but a proper bust up but I still feel odd about it. It's like unfinished business. I'd always rather part on good terms.

warthog Mon 13-Oct-08 15:36:07

yes and i'm still feeling relieved 4 years later!

no, i wouldn't text her back. then just a card for the next xmas / birthday, then nothing. if she confronts you tell her the truth, but i suspect she'll take the hint. she knows she's in the wrong.

Filofax Mon 13-Oct-08 15:37:28

Thanks ladies, it's my first post so really impressed with getting a good response and hearing your stories. Will let you know what I decide to do, I'm not frightened of a confrontation though she is very fiery and would make it her drama; just think it is pointless as she'll never change or be shocked into action .

warthog Mon 13-Oct-08 15:39:07

no, she probably won't change. until she's got no friends left and starts to question why.

MorrisZapp Mon 13-Oct-08 17:14:02

Just let it slide, stop contacting her or expecting anything of her.

I have a friend who used to be a total beeatch to me all the time and I just stopped making any effort to contact her or see her.

Now I hardly ever see her but it's actually quite nice on the odd occasions when we do meet up.

I'd say that unless the friend has been utterly and totally hideously out of order, just don't phone. No need for a big fight, life's stressful enough.

dizzyg Wed 15-Oct-08 20:29:51

I have 'dumped' my friend of 30 years 6 months ago, i had known her since I was 2!! but she hurt me so bad that I know I had to take a stand and realised that I no longer could be friends with someone that I dont trust!! although I have moments I miss her sometimes as we get older (and wiser) we realise that we dont have to put up with shit, so if your friend is toxic I say get rid, life is too complicated as it is, let alone, to put up withcrap from so called friends, and you know what? you will be better for it cause I know I am!!!!

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