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scared of dh and not for the first time(40 Posts)
right, here goes. am regular poster but have namechanged for this (hopefully). and its long, sorry.
dh and i married for two years, have had some real humdinger rows but am worried there is now dh violence brewing
since i went on maternity leave a year ago we have had some issues regarding him as sole breadwinner, some of which has been my difficulty adjusting to not having my own income and being reliant on dh who lets say is rather LAVISH with his cash where i am more "save for a rainy day"
he spends and spend and spends on me on dc and dsc, and an awful lot on toys and gew gaws for himself (which has been fine in the past as he has always had a big salary to fall back on, however this won't be the case come jan 09 however as he has jacked in his job and started up his own business).
me and dc don't really need anything and I tell him this all the time, but still he spends. however when we argue he always brings up how much he gives to me and dc and how I am so ungrateful and everyone thinks I am so lucky to have him. its got to the point where I am reluctant to receive anything from him as i know it will be thrown in my face a week or so down the line.
anyway, this evening it transpires that he has lent 64k to an ex colleague. an ex colleague who he has been close to in the past but has now fallen out with. and who has only paid him back half the money.
i was angry with him, not mad crazy shouty angry as I was so enraged that I couldnt bring myself to raise my voice. more of a slow simmering rage. dh, obviously on the defensive, retaliated with how ungrateful I was and he makes sure me and dc want for nothing. he walked out to have a fag and I went to check dc were still asleep.
I was upstairs leaning over dc's cot when I heard the door slam hard right underneath dc's room. I heard him muttering to himself and racing round the house trying to find me before i heard him on the stairs. he saw i was in with dc and waited for me outside. when I got outside he put his face really close to mine and started snarling about how I was so ungrateful, I just looked at the floor hoping he wouldnt wake dc. and then he pushed me hard with his forefingers backwards by the shoulders. I tried to walk past him and he did it again, and followed me into the bedroom snarling about how i should look around as I have so much and I should be grateful.
I was terrified he might have really gone loopy this time and it has reminded me of an argument when I was heavily pregnant and he raised his fist to me right in my face. he didnt hit me then but I have a feeling he just about stopped himself before walking away. i had sort of buried it in my brain till now I think. I was so vulnerable at the time think I locked it away and tried to forget.
basically I fear that next time he might actually hit me. and i fear that i might let him iyswim
this is also not the first time he has withheld the truth from me regarding money, and I fear that if he is not careful we will end up with nothing - his previous marriage disintegrated due to a business venture he started and lost everything on. he couldnt afford to feed exw and dss, didnt pay rent etc. she moved to her mums with dss and never came back
what should i do? if I leave him me and dc will be destitute, but we may be destitute staying anyway?
and I don't want to end up being hit. he has worn me down verbally arguing, I don't want it to be physical too
thanks dittany. i think I am finding this out now. god what a situation
Very hard and horrible situation for you to be in.
When he is his every day self, is he calm and rational? Are you able to have a conversation with him about this incident? I had this problem with my DH and I was very fortunate that I was able to talk to him about it and he responded very positively.
If it's possible, find an anger management counsellor (sp?) for him. Make it easy for him to go by sourcing one for him.
And Relate. I can't recommend them enough.
If he won't consider that he has a problem, then it's really only a matter of time before he does get physical.
practicalities first... why would you be destitute?
You are married so you do have some rights as regards maintenence and any equity in the house etc.
Do you have any family or friends that will put you and dc up if needs be?
What do you want to happen? Do you want this relationship to get better and work or have you got to the point where there is too much to fix?
I never do this but here <have a hug>
can you go back to work?
do you love him?
do you have friends and family who are nearby and supportive?
why have you so little to do with the finances?
how can your husband have an account with at least 64k in and take that money out - without your signature?
you need a chat that goes like this
i am not going to stay unless i have equal rights, access and knowledge to money
all the funds get put in
xxxxx account - a joint account that we both must sign for
we shall work out outgoings and money for exras and fun things
the rest gets put in a place where i know you cannot shit it, lend it, or throw it off the top of a building.
if this is unsatisfactory to you, then i shall have to seek legal advice as i want at least half of what little security you currently have for my children.
and may i remind you, that you will still have to sort out your children from your first marriage and you shall still be obliged to pay for our children too.
the rate you are going, you will only be working to pay out maintenance.
he can be calm and rational but is rather hot headed about some things, so I am ashamed to say I have become someone who tip toes around certain subjects so as not to irk him.
i do challenge him on some things and can be quite forceful myself, but recently have been choosing my battles iyswim?
I tried to have a conversation with him about it an hour afterwards. summoned up all my bravery and said that i wouldnt tolerate him pushing me and that was not how I wanted to be married. he was unrepentant and just went off on one loudly saying about "why don't i just leave him then, so i think our marriage is shit do it? well why don't you just divorce me? you have so much from me and you don't appreciate it" etc etc. i walked off trying to keep some dignity
he was very loud. dc was asleep and would have been terrified if woken up.
No money is worth being pushed around or threatened.
pinup sorry you are going through this.
Dont want to scare you or sound overly dramatic but you now need to think about protecting yourself and DC's in a practical way in case things escalate, which means having an emergency fund and keeping important documents ie passport/birth certificates in easily accessible place.
Believe me, money is NOTHING compared to your personal safety. You owe it yourself and your DC's not to have to live in fear.
Echo what Kerry says. A friend/family member you can confide in is essential. CAT me if you want to.
Reading your post was really scary. Your dh sounds remarkably like my ex (well, all abusive men have things in common, but honestly - thre was a time when I could have written your post almost word for word). Even had me wondering if he is the same man!
I want to warn you though - it WILL get worse. It WILL escalate. I know that type (and as much as he would hate to be pidgeonholed, he IS a common abusive type).
This is what seems to me from your post. Sorry if I am wrong, but I am thinking back nearly 6 years to when I escaped from my ex.
He is selfish and self-centered with money (and lavishly spends on you on purpose so that it will be hard for you to 'complain'). But he controls all the excessive spending so it makes no difference - he's being controlling.
He is threatening, and causing you to walk on eggshells and scared to speak out if you are unhappy with his actions.
He has crossed certain bounudaries of violence, and you can be sure that he'll only step further and further until you are in danger of great violence.
He does what it takes to control you.
I really hope this post is not out of place or upsetting. I just hope I am wrong. But if this is as bad as it looks, I personally think you need to make plans and be ready to get away.
Take care of yourself and your child.
custardo - i have litle to do with the finances because I don't earn them. and it honestly makes me angry to see myself writing that.
fwiw he is immensely ashamed of previous situation with ex wife and desperately sad about it. and he pays her a LOT of maintenance now out of guilt
redpyjamas everything you say i can relate to. it is scary.
in fact get this, i was terrified he would hear me tapping on keyboard and come downstairs and it would kick off again so I am now typing on laptop in marital bed. he is next door.
when the fuck did I become this scared woman???
going to sleep now but will be back in the morning. thankyou for all your kindness xx
well I don't really know what to say but I'm sending you positive vibes of courage.
I hope you are keeping a diary, and remembering the gut wrenching fear, because it's the memories of that and the relief you are no longer living in fear that will sustain you when you choose to be free of him. I second dittany that the violence is premeditated and I also think you are in great danger.
Please take care of your child, he doesn't need this violent and abusive man as a role model. And please take care of yourself, you deserve to be happy and free, and alive. Get your documents ready for your new happy life.
Call the police if he is violent again. Please, they will start a statement sheet and then will come very quickly to help you and your lovely dc.
Tell some friends - you need support. And please take care of yourself. Forgive yourself for being afraid, you won't be once the threats are removed.
You are not exaggerating. You are not unreasonable. You are in danger.
Find out your legal position (who onws the house? Whose name is on the tenancy?What money do you have?) and get legal documents in a safe place in case you have to run. He thinks you are his property: you are not.
you need to start posting - not what you are doing, but also what you are going to do.
you have had nothing to do with money
but now you need to
grab yer balls gal, and lookthrough the paperwork - make a decision
stick to it
have had a sleepless night worrying about whether i am overreacting. i know i'm not but hes ground me down over the last two years to the point where i always put myself in the wrong instead of him
funnily enough I forgot to mention last night that while he was shouting at me he kept on accusing ME of being controlling "why should you get to tell me what to do with my money" that sort of thing
it also occurred to me that he has dragged his heels on changing a life insurance policy, he has yet to tell them that he has a wife and i will be beneficiary. at present it is made out to no one. also when i suggested writing a will that recognised me and dd instead of exw and dss we got it written up but he will not sign it.
i have been accused of being moneygrabbing by him every time i mention it (not very often), but thats not true i just want dc to be secure should anything happen to us. don't give a shit about me just want dc to be safe!!
as for money, I only have access to the joint account for food and bills and to my own account that he pays £500 into every month, so in total about 2k. in a savings account and in his own account he has got much much more than that as we were going to buy a house (obv. before credit crunch came about), i don't really have any idea how much there is in there and have no access, obv a lot less than there was now due to him lending it out
we do not own a house we rent
also why should i leave??? this is is my dc and my house as much as his? god knows how I'm going to sort that one
you sound like your whinging now
when people post advice - they like to know that you have heard them
you need to have equal access to the money
you enable him to earn it
its half yours
so how are you going to make this happen
kick him out
Go see CAB and a lawyer so you know your options.
decide what you want. tell him.
Personally for me, it would be relate - or finish.
oh thats nice, am whinging. of course i'm not whinging, this is my marriage and i am shit scared of making a decision that may mess up me and dc's lives
tenancy is in my name as he has such poor credit history. only remembered that this morning. fat lot of good tho if he refuses to leave!
as for I what i am going to do, i am going to lay it on the line using custys words in her earlier post. you hit the nail on the head quite frankly - what the hell am i doing letting him take control of our finances when he has proved he is about as good as a chocolate teapot in looking after money. you are so right, i gave up my well paid job to look after dc and I am damned if he is going to treat me as little wifey
if he doesnt agree, or worse if it all kicks off like last night I am going. for good. i don't want my dc to grow up thinking his behaviour is acceptable.
thankyou all so much for giving me some clarity
If you are concerned for the future financial security of your dc's then is it possible for you to get a job so that you can contribute to that too?
I am not excusing your dh's aggressive behaviour one bit, but do you think that he is angry with himself for lending such a big sum of money to his friend and is taking that anger out on you. Do you think he is very worried about the new business he is about to embark upon and again is taking that stress out on you?
I say this as somebody who started a new business in April. I tell you I have never known worry like it, particularly now we are on the brink of a recession. I regret to say that there have been times in the last few months where that worry has made me a deeply unpleasant person to be around.
Luckily though our financial security does not all rest on my shoulders, my dh does work and does contribute to our financial situation. If the worst comes to the worst and my business folds then we could survive. It takes the pressure of me enormously.
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