Dh can be so rude - but denies it

[SPARKLER1]

My dh makes me want to bang my head against a brick wall sometimes. He can be so rude and doesn't even know he's doing it. It's with family both mine and his. When he's chatting to friends he's absolutely fine.

The thing that has set me off on this rant is this.......

Dm and my Step-dad looked after dd2 this morning. We dropped her off and dh could just about bring himself to say hello to my parents. We went off and returned later to pick dd up. As soon as we walked in the door dh said to dd "come on let's go". He can never bring himself to stay any longer than 10 minutes and never speaks, only to say a quick hello or goodbye, sometimes he doesn't even say that. It's like this every time he goes there.
I have argued with him so many times and he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Dm notices it all the time as I can see the look on her face. She never says anything for my sake as she knows I would get upset if they fell out.
Dh is the same with his family he doesn't have time for any of them. I'm always having to nag at him to phone his dm but he just says what's the point I don't have anything to say. He has two sisters and one brother who have all in the past caused a few problems in the family but he doesn't bother with them at all.
I find it so hard to understand as I am close to my family.

[hamster]

Has he always been like this sparkler? or is it a recent thing?

[SPARKLER1]

Always - thing is though he is a lovely, lovely man. He is good and kind to me and the children and would do anything for his friends. When it comes to family it's another matter.

[tiredemma]

sounds like my dp sparkler, he only really has time for his friends- would bend over backwards for them infact.
he very rarely rings his family- apart from his dad and stepmum, hes very close to them but if his mother didnt contact him i doubt she would ever get to talk to him. same goes with his sister, grandparents etc.
he doesnt understand my closeness with my family and gets stroppy when im on th phone to them etc every other day.
i say its his loss, his family are lovely people, so are mine. i often tell him how crap it looks but it doesnt appear to bother him.
i often remind him that when we grow old, if i should go before him he will be a very lonely old man. miserable old git!!

[SPARKLER1]

I know his family have been a pain in the butt over the years and that's why he doesn't want much to do with them. I just wish he would make a bit more effort with my family though. It's ever so embarassing and I have found myself making excuses for him when dm and the rest have asked what's wrong with him and if they have done anything wrong. Whenever I mentioned the subject he denies there is anything wrong and doesn't even realise how he's been.

[SPARKLER1]

I'm not particularly close to his family but I also try to be polite and take an interest in their lives. I don't visit MIL as much as I should but otherwise I try to make an effort. I wish he would do the same.

[Elf]

Sparkler, with regard to his family I really think you need to let him do what he wants to do as it is his business really.

BUT, with regard to YOUR family I am in total agreement with you. My DH has spoken to me before about my manner to his parents but I am honest and own up and we have open discussions together about it and understand each other (as they are a pain in the whatsit.)

Anyway, how clear are you with him? I think you need to be very direct with him - bring up the subject as an important issue you wish to discuss with him. Give him the opportunity to try and ask himself why he is like that with your family. Perhaps he doesn't like them, or he doesn't like HAVING to see them sometimes. Perhaps you could come to some compromise ie if he only has to see them once a week/month whatever, then he has to be polite to them for 3 hours!!

HTH, from a PIL sufferer!

[hamster]

Oh sweety, Perhaps it's an issue of being uncomfortable with his potrayal of himself with your family, arkward maybe...perhaps with his friends he can be himself 100% and with you at home. As for his family, well, they say you can pick your friends, but not your family!
I hope things get better for you, its always hard when there's a divide with family and a partner......perhaps you should all get together with a LARGE bottle of wine and a nice meal, see where it takes you all

[SPARKLER1]

I try not to hassle him about his family as I know you are right it is his business. It just gets a bit awkward sometimes when MIL phones up and asks if we are all okay as she hasn't heard from us for a while. I don't feel it is my job to phone her - should be down to dh.
I have talked with him numerous times as to why he can't bring himself to have a conversation and he just completely denies anything is wrong. It is so frustrating.

[Elf]

Brainwave - he says he can't see anything is wrong - but if you say, well IF NOTHING IS WRONG HOW COME I AM UPSET? SO SOMETHING IS WRONG - I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE UPSET AND EMBARRASSED EVERY TIME WE VISIT MY PARENTS. Would that get through to him? Sorry, I feel like I am shouting the words for you!! How frustrating to face such denial. Poor you.

[SPARKLER1]

elf