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I want another baby and DP says no. Any advice??

(28 Posts)
NumberFour Sat 11-Oct-08 17:59:03

We have one 4 year old and really really struggled after he was born because we had no family support at all (family either far away or estranged). But we did it and looking back, we are really proud in a way of how we coped.

I am 42, we still do not own our own house, our income is barely okay, we rent only a 2 bed place and I work from home. From a sensible point of view, a second child is completely out of the question. A few months ago DP said no to another baby because we could not afford it. Now he says no because it is just too hard (and it really was hard).

But I don't have a whole lot of time left seeing that I am 42 now. I would be loathe to go and fall pregnant without his agreement so that is out of the question. I don't believe that that is fair on him. But than maybe he is not being fair on me by saying no to more kids!

Any advice, please????

Miyazaki Sat 11-Oct-08 18:06:55

At 42 it is likely to be that much harder to conceive that at 37/38. Financially it's not that viable, and your dp doesn't want another. Would it be worth talking it through with a counsellor, more kids or not is such a huge issue, might it help to have somebody to referee iyswim?

DwayneDibbley Sat 11-Oct-08 18:07:26

Message withdrawn

NumberFour Sat 11-Oct-08 18:11:43

Thanks for your replies, Miyazaki and DwayneDibbley. It makes me feel lots better about the fact that the answer probably is going to be no, just reading your reasoning (M)and predicaments (DD). I have to be sensible about it. I am not too concerned about DS growing up alone because I childmind so he has lots of kids around him 5 days a week and the children are from just on one year old to over 8. And he loves having them here.

So I will do a rethink myself.

Thanks smile

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Sat 11-Oct-08 18:12:28

I think you should try for another baby tbh.

NumberFour Sat 11-Oct-08 18:12:57

PS I am probably ovulating now (TMI???) which does not help how I feel. Perhaps I should wait for a couple of weeks....!

Miyazaki Sat 11-Oct-08 18:38:06

I know that I don't want another child but saw a friends newborn this week and got that feeling... like, oooh, maybe...

but i think it's just my body following its own agenda (reproduce! reproduce! reproduce!) but that when I put it to the rest of me - body+heart+head - it's like NOOO...

It took me ages to have my second and my mum always said to me, there's a big big difference between one and none. Which I did find comforting (although I know that some people would disagree...)

NumberFour Sat 11-Oct-08 19:40:36

Miyazaki, I think that you may have hit the nail on the head when you say that it is your body following its own agenda. What a brilliant way to put it. I think that may be the case with me. But oh boy, I do want another.

I swore blind after DS that I would not have another (extended 3rd degree tear without pain relief because he came so quickly). Now, 4 years later...!!!

Eve34 Sat 11-Oct-08 19:59:18

So sorry you are in this situation. We are the other way around, DP would love us to have another. I have PND still 2 years on, and find most says a struggle regardless of what I do, getting out etc etc. There is a small part of me that would like another. but I know it would be SO difficult with no family, financies etc I am hoping next yeat at 36/7 I may feel in a better position to cope with DS at nursery. What this space. x

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Sat 11-Oct-08 20:27:18

Then have one! grin

quinne Sat 11-Oct-08 23:18:25

Don't have a baby unless you both want it. Also at 42, what about the risk of downs syndrome? (If having one healthy child is / was hard, how much worse would it be too add a downs child to your family?)
Also psychologists say that children who have babies age 7 or older match the profiles of only children. So earliest would be age 5 and that would mean that it wouldn't be a full cure for the only child syndrome anyway.

(I'm the same age and would love another baby too - so i am not being unsympathetic, just thinking about the emotional and practical sides in the future rather than today).

NumberFour Sun 12-Oct-08 17:46:29

Quinne, not sure what you mean by only child syndrome? I have never actually heard of it.
I tend to agree that we should only have another if both of us want it. And yes, I am concerned about the risks involved and the added difficulties that would go with that.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Sun 12-Oct-08 17:52:46

I doubt there is an only child syndrome. It is just a phrase. I think you want another child very much and I think you need to tell your DH just how much you want one.

Mumfun Sun 12-Oct-08 18:35:18

In same situation except can afford baby but lots of other bad stuff going on including DH midlife crisis.

Im not coping at all so hope you can cope with a peaceful mind over this situation!

BuzzingBee Mon 13-Oct-08 00:09:23

Is there any chance he would consider a leave it to fate decision?

with our first we didn't know if we were going to conceive or not, so gave ourselves a 6mth window for it to happen or not, it happened. 5 yrs later we ummed and arrhed again over another so decided to give ourselves a year as a time frame, 2 mths later I fell pregnant again, we thought that was it, all done, but recently we find ourselves in the do we or don't we boat again, hoping to decide come Jan if we need another time frame, in some ways we have found this to take the pressure off a lot, there are pros and cons to whatever the number one has of children, but if one can jointly decide when the cut off time is for trying (by that I don't mean humping excessively!) then fate has it's say and the difficulties we think are easy to take on

NotAnOtter Mon 13-Oct-08 00:19:51

quinne odd post on the edge of offensive


talk it through with dp
he may change his mind when he knows how strongly you feel

i too have no family and we have just had our 6th child - it IS bloody hard but worth every second of hardship

re the gap - there is a 6 year gap between ds2 and 3 and they are very close so do not worry about gaps. many sibs with 2 year gap fight like cat and dog

good luck

Tortington Mon 13-Oct-08 00:42:55

you cant do anything unless he wants one.

twentypence Mon 13-Oct-08 02:42:00

Dh didn't want another. The first year for us was also very hard - but TBH he had only ever agreed to a child not children and was careful to correct anyone who said otherwise (politely).

When ds was 2.5 I got a coil fitted and when ds was 5 dh had a vasectomy (with my blessing). I suggested it and he went straight away not a quiver of doubt (and he hates pain and discomfort).

Now there is no "what if...maybe" I feel a lot better about the whole thing.

berolina Mon 13-Oct-08 07:07:41

quinne, very odd post, and very offensive. I feel angry on behalf of several MNers who have children with DS at your disparaging remarks about how 'hard' it would be adding a 'downs child' (FFS) to the family.

We have 2 children and rent a 2 bed flat. However, we do live in a country that hasn't got the odd British obsession with property. You're not feckless because you don't own your house!

IIWY I would tell dp you are stopping contraception and if he doesn't want another baby he can sort it.

berolina Mon 13-Oct-08 07:08:14

sorry, 2nd 2 paragraphs were to the OP:

berolina Mon 13-Oct-08 07:09:25

oh, quinne, children with DS are healthy, barring any complications from heart defects or similar. DS isn't an 'illness'.

Sorry, but your post has pissed me off.

MollyCherry Mon 13-Oct-08 11:52:28

Going off the subject a bit...I think quinne's post was very badly worded not only from a DS but also and only child point of view (I am one and I have one!), but they may have a point.

My closest friend is a scientist in the field of genetics and when I had my nuchal scan with DD she was shock that I said I wouldn't necessarily terminate if it was 'bad' news. I used to work near a day centre for DS adults and saw what great, normal lives they lead so didn't see a problem with having a DS baby.

But as my friend pointed out to me, there is no way of knowing how severely a child would be physically affected prior to birth, by which time it's too late to change your mind.
I have to admit that now I already have a child to consider, I would find the decision to go ahead with a DS pregnancy a lot harder to make, if I were ever in that position.

NumberFour - I really sympathise. My DH and I were both happy with 1 until about 6 months ago I started thinking maybe... But for lots of reasons including health ones I don't think we'll be having another.

I don't think things like space and finance should necessarily be the deciding factor though (unless you'd end up completely destitute). But unless your DP relaxes his view on the subject I think it's probably best to make the most of what you have.
Good Luck

quinne Mon 13-Oct-08 15:48:22

OK.. couple of things…
First and foremost I meant to bring no pain to anyone who has a downs syndrome child. I know that downs children are not necessarily unhealthy .. unless they have a heart problem of course… but they do have some level of learning disabilities which makes the mother’s life harder. I sympathise and admire you, if you are reading this and you are affected. And I know that there are benefits too, so I wasn’t trying to talk down to anyone and there was definitely no intended “eeegh” in my post because it would be insulting and anyway it is absolutely not how I see such a life. My point was only that it is harder work which seemed to be a significant issue already for the OP.

Second I avoided all mention of having to make an abortion choice because I know exactly what I would do if offered such a choice and I did not want anyone to be hurt by any criticism of making the other choice. So anyone who read that into my post should read it again if they were offended by it. I will not give my views on abortion here and I think it is such a deeply personal thing that it unfair of anyone else to be judgemental on this issue either.

Third, my main point was that it is very wrong to plan to have a baby without the father’s consent. If you are pregnant already then that is one thing, but choosing to make the man a father to another child should be a joint decision. The OP wasn’t suggesting that BTW.

Fourth, in response to the poster who declared herself a mother of six and said my post was borderline offensive. Why? Did I imply that I did not think big families were a good idea when both parents want them? Or was it some other aspect? Need to agree with father before conceiving? Increased risk of ds as you get older? What??

Fifth: Only child syndrome is a term used to describe the characteristics often displayed by children and adults who had no siblings. There are other ones for “oldest child”, middle child and youngest child too. My understanding of only child syndrome is a person who has not benefited from having siblings to play with, fight with, compete with and learn to share with. Sometimes they are lonely, sometimes they are self centred, sometimes they are very thin skinned when the world does not offer them strong approval. And sometimes they are none of these things. It’s a common term in every day use, does not apply to every only child and I am not trying to theorise, just describe my understanding of what is meant by the term. You can get your own descriptions by typing it into Google.

I really get fed up when people are so politically correct that they go out looking for contraventions of their policies. I think it is a very unpleasant way to behave, as is the much loved mumsnet roasting which I think could be likened to collective bullying, similar to the kind which is sometimes demonstrated by some children at school.. Frankly you may not like me in RL or you might think I am great but one thing is for sure, you absolutely do not know me right now so it is too early to think about roasting me, if that is the sort of thing you are inclined to do.
No word of this applies to the OP btw.

Just to add ... Berolina.. where on earth did you get the stuff about not owning property? Or are you not talking to me?

NotAnOtter Mon 13-Oct-08 20:25:13


another very odd post

If your comment

'Fourth, in response to the poster who declared herself a mother of six and said my post was borderline offensive.' referred to ME

then may i add I did not 'declare' anything - just said it - bizarre comment

secondly I was purely offended by your comments on people with Downs Syndrome nothing to do with the number i have

NumberFour Tue 14-Oct-08 07:24:20

oh dear.

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