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Has anyone successfully got their relationship back on track?

(24 Posts)
luckylady74 Sat 11-Oct-08 17:17:32

I'd love some advice if you have.
Dh and I are in a very deep rut borne (I think) of work stress (dh) 3 small dc, one with sn.
We are bored, tired, stressed and pissed off! We need to pull ourselves together and get our relationship working.
How did you do it?
I'm sure there's lots of obvious answers, but I'm panicking and need some advice please.

luckylady74 Sat 11-Oct-08 17:41:27


BitOfFungusthebogeyman Sat 11-Oct-08 17:56:26

It's a tall order, but I didn't want to leave you unanswered. As a quick pick-me-up, how about putting them to bed tonight, get a couple of bottles of wine and play strip poker? I've got a brillianr couples' board game called monogamy , which is well worth a go. We have regular night of staying up late ourselves. I know it's knackering having a child with SN (as I do), but it's important to have some time for yourselves, just a chat and a cuddle, and having some fun. I'm sure there will be deeper answers than this, but I hope it helps smile

MeMySonAndI Sat 11-Oct-08 18:01:32

It did help for us to have a special night weekly, even if that meant to stay in the living room eating pizza but with the computer unplugged, DS in bed and the promise not to pick up the phone. Obviously going out was even better, but if not possible, the important thing is for you to have an uninterrumpted time on your own where you can catch up with things

MeMySonAndI Sat 11-Oct-08 18:01:50

If that doesn't work, Relate may help

hester Sat 11-Oct-08 18:03:16

Yes. It took:

- more sleep
- more time spent just together (not easy, I know)

but most of all,

- both of us deciding, separately and together, that we were ready to let go of our anger (justified on both sides, I'm sure) and focus instead on rebuilding what we had

Not sure if that's any help. Best of luck.

nooOOOoonki Sat 11-Oct-08 18:13:49

have you spoken to each other about being a rut? (My DH hadn't 'noticed' hmm

If not that's a good starting point!

Then I would have a chat outside of the house (long walk always best for us)- kids more distracted - about how best to tackle it

- relate
- going out more
- more shared interests
- work out stresses and any was of reducing any of them
- anyone able to have kids for a night? - or one or two of them?
-special night aweek sounds good (think will have to incorporate in our household!)

luckylady74 Sat 11-Oct-08 18:14:30

Thank you all for your help.

Bitoffun- it scares me that it's a tall order. I think your suggestions would make us laugh which is a good thing.

Memysonandi - I did thin k of that - will attempt to start tonight because the thought of relate makes me cry - don't want to face that we're in trouble.

Hester -we can do the sleep and the time. So it's letting go of the anger really isn't it - bugger - that sounds very hard - thank you as I think you've got to the crux of it.

luckylady74 Sat 11-Oct-08 18:17:11

noonki- we are talking tonight - hence my panic. I have no idea if he has noticed, but he's not happy.
You are right about working out stresses too - I thought maybe exercise?

BitOfFungusthebogeyman Sat 11-Oct-08 18:17:41

I just meant that I would have to think a bit deeper than a good laugh together on a Saturday night - I'm sure you're not doomed! Hope it goes well for you, good luck x x

luckylady74 Sat 11-Oct-08 18:20:05

thank you for that - I'm in a flap so reading doom into everything!

MeMySonAndI Sat 11-Oct-08 18:30:12

Please don't, it may be only stress as you mention so better not to add more to it. Just try to enjoy the time together even if it just sitting by each other hearing about the other person week.

BitOfFungusthebogeyman Sat 11-Oct-08 18:30:28

It sounds like you need to relax a bit? If you are having a talk tonight, it might be better to keep it light and positive, like "I know things have been a bit of a grind lately, why don't we try to chill out tonight and have some fun, just the two of us?" rather that a heavy meaningful set of grievances to air out, which will surely end in tears and woeful doom thoughts, especially after a few drinks. Just a thought - hope you manage a nice night together and lift your spirits a bit, it will help, I think x

luckylady74 Sat 11-Oct-08 19:10:46

So you can tell how highly strung I am grin.
I think I've tried the keeping it light touch before and nothing much changes. I do think we need to address things, but definately avoid a slanging match - I've no wine so no problem there! I think I'll try and move quickly on to 'how to make things better' and I really want to hear how he feels so I can try and address my part in how we've got into this rut.
I'm sure if strip poker is one of my suggestions I'll get a positive response wink

Anifrangapani Sat 11-Oct-08 21:52:28

Make time to spend together..... even watching TV together.

Listen to each other

try not to read things into situations ( easier said than done I know)

Have lots of sex

Tell each other that you love them for no other reason than you do

Smile, instead of shugging off those unexpected gropes while you are doing something else( usually cooking dinner in our house)

Have fun with each other

Off load the kids onto someone so you have time without distractions ( I take a days holiday during term time so we can go and have lunch together)

Do something new.... we had a laugh being crap at archery together

MeMySonAndI Mon 13-Oct-08 01:06:27

HOw did it go?

notbeenaround Mon 13-Oct-08 18:39:21

if its solveable and you don't need to go to relate try having some quality time together and for me that would mean no tv, I've found having a glass of wine at the kitchen table after a meal great for just talking and catching up.

Try having a night where you only cook for the 2 of you after the kids are asleep, also have a night out at least once a month but do try to have some time with your own friends.

Ps going to relate does not necessarily mean that you are near the end of your relationship, they are great if you have just lost how to talk to each other and need some guidance on how to get things back on track

good luck smile

notbeenaround Mon 13-Oct-08 18:40:45

pps got my marriage back on track and that was after signing the divorce papers! grin

luckylady74 Mon 13-Oct-08 21:31:57

It went very well smile - we talked a lot of things through and are now trying to focus on working as a team rather than against each other.
Thanks to all who gave advice because it made me feel very clear about how I wanted to approach it and how to move forward.

MeMySonAndI Mon 13-Oct-08 21:37:43

Glad to hear that

newgirl Mon 13-Oct-08 22:01:47

thats good news

i was going to add - find new ways to have lots of fun - not just being parents all the time

write down a list of mad things you might like to do - and then do them! and remember the cliche that the biggest gift you can give to your kids is parents who love each other, so time you spend on each other is valuable for the whole family

twinsetandpalls Mon 13-Oct-08 22:09:05

We are trying with all the success of an icelandic bank.

We are trying to do more things that we both enjoy either with dd or independent of her. We went camping for example this weekend and we are trying to make plans for a few days together over half term.

I am glad you are doing better than me.

luckylady74 Tue 14-Oct-08 13:32:46

I'm sorry to hear that twinset - camping would certainly test me - I have asked on here before if there are ready set up tents for hire in the uk because I dread the thought of setting up a tent.
We are going to see a comedian tomorrow night - hopefully we'll laugh together. A family event at the weekend is going to be a test - if I can come back from that in a good mood I really have changed!

twinsetandpalls Tue 14-Oct-08 18:12:11

We love camping , most of our happiest memories are linked with camping.

Comedian sounds a good idea.

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