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Sick of being made feel like an outsider

(11 Posts)
Bubbles96 Fri 10-Oct-08 16:17:58

Hi,

I'm new first time posting!! So go easy on me. This is more a rant and wondering is anyone else in a similar position.

I'm married with one DD & pregnant(29 weeks).

I'm a little fed up with my SIL's and DH's family in general and feel they are all bitching about me( hormonal paranoia?).

I work fulltime and have a good and very well paid career, I constantly get comments critising our families choices.

Our DD is in a creche and ofcourse i'm the worst mother for sending her to one, I work long hours at certain times of the year and don't see much of either my DH or my DD and have gotten bitchy comments about this too - have I got a picture to remind me of what they look like - all said in a jokey manner.

I will only be taking 12 weeks maternity leave on this baby as I'm self-employed, I'm afraid to mention this as I know I'll get similar comments - got the same the last time.

What annoys me is that they have never acknowledged that me making good money and providing a good lifestyle for my DH & DD has allowed their brother to work part-time and consider becoming a SAHD.

I love my DH and he is the best but he won't listen to critcism of his family and I'm so sick of being made feel like I'm an oddity just because I'm not like them.

I'm at home sick with a chest infection so feeling very sorry for myself today.sad

bleurgh Fri 10-Oct-08 16:23:13

I feel sorry for you too. Your choices are your business. They are probably rather envious. It's hard for some people when others choose not to do things the way they did them.

Sycamoretree Fri 10-Oct-08 16:27:57

Hello - congrats on first post!

Sorry that you are feeling so crappy.

I'm in a similar situation, except without the pain in the arse inlaws.

I am the main (only!) breadwinner for our family. Quite highly paid career I love. In fact, at the moment, my DH is a SAHD as he was made redundant last year.

I've got two DC's, 3 and 1. It's hard, isn't it?

My best advice is to divorce yourself from their negativity and thinking. If they weren't your inlaws, you wouldn't give their comments a second thought. It's only because you're now related that you are remotely letting them get to you.

They are most likely coming from a limited perspective and experience, where mothers stayed at home, or at most worked part time. It's a bit of a case of not understanding that their way is just ONE way of doing things, not necessarily the RIGHT way. Does that make sense?

You are giving your DD a good role model. You are providing for her. Setting her up for a good life. She has your love - she knows who you are. When you are a FT working mum, it has to be about quality, not quantity. You should see me with the DC's when I get home from work. No matter how knackered, I'm straight into racing cars, piggy back rides, teaparties, you name it.

If you feel brave enough, just tell them that their comments are upsetting and you'd prefer them to keep them to themselves. You're quite happy you're doing your best for your DD and your bump, and any issues they have with it are their own, not yours.

Oh, and kick your DH's arse for not standing up for you!

Bubbles96 Fri 10-Oct-08 16:44:02

Sycamoretree,

You know you have hit the nail on the head. None of my SIL's went to college and all are SAHM's. I'm actually the only person within the extended family with a college education - see DH got a really good catch grin. My FIL thinks I'm an uppity little madam because I've dared to contradict him.

Most of the time I can ignore it but I find I'm really feeling it all at the moment, I wish we lived closer to my own family but that's not an option with my business.

Definitely not brave enough to tackle my SIL's they can be a right shower of b*hes and won't take it well - have past experience of this.

Might give DH the kick up the arse though, an actual kick might even make me feel better smile.

Sycamoretree Fri 10-Oct-08 16:52:30

Well, sounds like kicking is the only option.

It's hard to discuss this withouth sounding like one's coming down on the side that working mums are better than SAHM's, which I don't think is the case. I just think both have their ups and downs, and if people are really honest, it's precious few of us who have a GENUINE choice whether to do one or the other.

Sounds as though there is a huge big chip on the shoulder of these particular SIL's. And because they are of the gobby persuasion, it comes out as thinly veiled insults, and passive agresssive bitchiness. If they were different personalities, they'd probably turn their feelings in on themselves and make themselves feel how you're feeling now.

Don't let them make you feel what they are really feeling. They are jealous, plain and simple. And they probably feel alienated they their DB has married a woman who isn't the "same" as them.

Their tough luck if they can't reach across a bit of social difference.

Bubbles96 Fri 10-Oct-08 17:03:19

Definitely don't think working mums are better than SAHM's, its a matter of choices and I made different one's to them.Also financially I'll always earn more than my DH so our choices are made on that basis. I don't have a problem with this as I was a very poor student when I met my DH and he supported both of us for a couple of years until my career took off.

I think because we don't have a huge amount in common that it makes things even more difficult. But I try my best, I want my DD ( and new baby) to have a good relationship with their cousins, as I feel family is so important.

I come from a large family with plenty of extended family nearby and would like to give my children the same experience.

My only consolation is that my MIL is a lovely woman.

Sycamoretree Fri 10-Oct-08 17:37:09

Well, that's a huge bonus re MIL. grin

Yes, I will always out earn DH as well, so no wonder we have made the choices we have.

Good on your for doing your best to keep the relationship with in laws going. You sound like a very nice and sensible laydee.

MrsMattie Fri 10-Oct-08 17:39:48

Are they jealous of you? Sounds like it to me. Even if they're not - even if they're genuinely unhappy/puzzled by your choices - sod 'em anyway! You're happy, right? And so is your DH and your DD? That's all that matters.

CarGirl Fri 10-Oct-08 17:48:53

Perhaps you could try turning the argument around when they start?

"yes it would be so much nicer if DH could earn as much as I do so I could stay at home" or a few other choice phrases.

They are being thick and insesnsitive

Sycamoretree Fri 10-Oct-08 17:55:16

Ooh, I like Cargirl's line.

Try that!

Bubbles96 Fri 10-Oct-08 18:15:15

Oh Cargirl,

I like that, I can just imagine their faces if I can out with that one.grin

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