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would you stay with someone you don't fancy?

(41 Posts)
vbadindeed Fri 10-Oct-08 11:27:22

dh and i have been together 7 years and for the majority of the last 3 have slept in sepatate rooms. Partly cos of his snoring and also rows and not keen on having sex anyway. sex was never great with him and he hardly shows he's fancies me. Also we row alot and arguments get nasty and dd gets scared. do i stay with him for the good bits (we've already tried counselling - doesn't help us) or leave and try to find happiness with someone else?

SmallShips Fri 10-Oct-08 11:30:46

I'd leave, especially if its affecting your DD. What do you row about?

vbadindeed Fri 10-Oct-08 11:32:08

could be about anything - usually starts with something quite trivial and then escaltes into a nasty row

LadySanders Fri 10-Oct-08 11:33:41

not fancying my exh and thus having to force myself to have sex with him was one of the main probs in our relationship and a reasonably big factor in our breakup.

i guess it depends how important sex is to you. for me there was no way i could spend the rest of my life having sex once a month with someone who, by the end, made me feel sick when he touched me.

vbadindeed Fri 10-Oct-08 11:35:52

it's not so bad i feel sick if he touches me...yet! it's just after all that been said and done, i don't feel attracted to him and can't say if i love him. Sex is quite important to me and so is feeling my partner is attracted to me.

SmallShips Fri 10-Oct-08 11:46:35

What do you want to do? Do you want to leave, do you have the means to leave, support, money etc?

Overmydeadbody Fri 10-Oct-08 11:49:02

To answer your question, No I wouldn't stay with someone I didn't fancy.

Fancying someone is the only thing that differenciates a sexual relationship from a purely friendship based one, right?

SoUpsetAtThisMoment Fri 10-Oct-08 11:49:38


vbadindeed Fri 10-Oct-08 11:54:59

yes i think i do want to leave. we've both tried so much but i'm still not happy. I don't know how i'd arrange the practical things. he hasn't got anywhere else to go but my mums lives fairly close so could stay there for a while

expatinscotland Fri 10-Oct-08 11:55:23

It sounds like this goes beyond just not fancying him.

It sounds like you're fundamentally incompatible.

Why did you hook up with him in the first place?

Have you ever fancied him, or was it for more practical reasons?

vbadindeed Fri 10-Oct-08 11:56:27

yes omdb, you're right about the differentiation between relationships.

zippitippitoes Fri 10-Oct-08 11:56:29

it sounds like a flawed relationship historically

i wouldnt be with someone from the start in the situation youndescribe

vbadindeed Fri 10-Oct-08 11:57:47

I was on seoxat when i met him whoch clouded my judgement ans i was flattered by the attention

zippitippitoes Fri 10-Oct-08 11:58:25

you posted before about this then

zippitippitoes Fri 10-Oct-08 11:58:40

are you mymittens

vbadindeed Fri 10-Oct-08 12:01:19

well guessed zippi! Felt i needed to name change just to try to present the situation again.

vbadindeed Fri 10-Oct-08 12:07:30

seroxat not seoxat

Overmydeadbody Fri 10-Oct-08 12:42:56

Sounds like you've felt this way for a while then.

Once a couple make the decision to split up, the logistics and practicalities of how it will all work out usually work out. That shouldn't be the reason to stay together, you only have one life after all.

vbadindeed Fri 10-Oct-08 12:44:29

Trouble is that dh stil doesn't wnat us to split up so it's going to be extremely difficult

Overmydeadbody Fri 10-Oct-08 12:49:36

But life is difficult.

If you want to split up, he will have no choice really.

sayithowitis Fri 10-Oct-08 13:05:14

VBI, I have read your previous threads and am wondering what happened to the counselling appt you had booked for this week? Does it not work for you because the counsellor does not pander to your every whim the way you expect your DH to? Frankly, from what you have said previously, your Dh would probably be very relieved if you were to split, at least that way he would have a chance to find someone who loves him for what he is, rather than someone who constantly knocks whatever he does and whose life revolves entirely around one person, ie: yourself! As for you, I doubt you will ever find happiness with someone else because I don't think there is anyone out there who will ever come up to your high expectations and in a couple of years time we will all be reading about how terrible the new man is and how wonderful your ex H was, just as we now hear how terrible he is compared to your ex!

LostHorizon Fri 10-Oct-08 13:56:38

I too am slightly baffled by the sense of entitlement that one comes across in some of these threads.

Eg, "My DH is a perfect husband and father but looks at porn - should I leave him?" Or: "My husband works all the hours God sends and is wonderful to the kids, but has no time left for me - should I divorce the bastard?"

OK, exaggerations maybe, but not very gross ones.

Why exactly do people expect their relationship to be perfect? Your job's not perfect, your car's not perfect, your family's not perfect, your teeth aren't perfect and your body's not perfect. Remind me again then why your marriage would be. Most marriages end in divorce. Many others must therefore be unhappy but stop short of divorce for whatever reason. To be in a "Not great but not bad" marriage would be a bloody good result.

If you were on antidepressants when you met him and got him involved, did he know that? I'd sure want to know. Elsewhere today there's a thread about whether unfaithful men ever change. Maybe you haven't changed. Maybe you're the same person who needed Seroxat. If you leave him, wrecking his life and finances and your daughter's family life, why won't you do it all again to some other bloke for the same reasons - because he's not perfect either?

Unless you have the looks of Elizabeth Hurley, the money of Elizabeth Hurley, the grit of Ripley in Aliens, the virtues of Mother Theresa and Joan of Arc, and the homemaking skills of Delia Smith and the wives in the movies It's a Wonderful Life and Shane all rolled into one, then you aren't entitled to trash other people's lives in the vain pursuit of the perfect life for you.

sayithowitis Fri 10-Oct-08 14:12:57

ctuall LH, most marriages do not end in divorce. see hereBut I tend to agree with most of the rest of your post. I know I am not perfect and neither is DH, yes, we have our downs as do all couples, but for the most part our marriage is good rather than 'not great, not bad'. Sadly some people don't seem to realise that to achieve and maintain a god marriage, takes hard work on both sides. Yes, I like to be 'spoiled' at times because it makes us all feel special, but I try to give my DH special treats as well, to show him that I love him and think he is special too. It seems to work as we have been married over 25 years now and I would still say we are happy together. Even if he occasionally snores! And even if I don't have the Elizabeth Hurley body. He clearly likes the one I have and I certainly love his bod!blusheven at our age!

sayithowitis Fri 10-Oct-08 14:14:14

oops! must have been thinking about the delights of DH bod rather too much judging by all the typos!

vbadindeed Fri 10-Oct-08 14:42:05

Yes, he knew right fromt he start about the antidepressants because i felt it was important for him to know. I know a "perfect" marriage rarely exists but i don't think i even love dh anymore. I saw the counsellor on tuesday and she thought it seemed like we'd reached the end and there was little more that could be done to save ourt marriage

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