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husband having an affair

(10 Posts)
amanda6 Fri 10-Oct-08 02:57:40

i found out my husband has been seeing someone from work which became physical around aug this year. He says he is not sure ifhe loves me anymore. We have 2 children aged 5 and 17 months. He also had a gambling problem for a few years which got out of control when my daughter was born last year. The debt rose to over £70,000! He is planning on seeing her this weekend and I have said if he does then I wont be able to give our marriage a chance if he changes his mind over time. Any suggestions what I should/could do.

MaryBS Fri 10-Oct-08 04:11:22

I'm not sure how helpful this is, but if he's planning on seeing her this weekend, without any thought to you and your children, I'd show him the door today. Its absolutely evil how he is treating you. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his life - the gambling debt just shows this.

mumoverseas Fri 10-Oct-08 07:24:32

amanda, so sorry to read what you are going through. As Mary said, its appalling the way he is treating you by planning on seeing her this weekend when he should be spending time with you and the children trying to save your marriage. Mary is right, he needs to grow up.
On a practical note, you need to protect yourself and your children ref his debts. What happened to the £70,000 gambling debt? Is it in his sole name or joint names or secured against the house?
If (worse case scenario) you decide that divorce is the only way forward, you need to try to ensure that he carries the resonsibility for his gambling debts. Usually on deciding the division of the matrimonial assets, the Court would try to make as fair a division as possible in the circumstances. If there are joint debts, these are often shared however if for whatever reason some of his gambling debts ended up in joint names (ie if you re-mortgaged to pay them off or consolidated debts etc) you should not be responsible for these and an off-setting exercise should be done.
Try to get as much documentary evidence together as you can regarding the debts and also if possible make notes regarding his behaviour, ie his relationship, when he has seen her etc. That way, if you decide it is over, you will a lot of the information that you require to issue divorce proceedings (either on his adultery or his unreasonable behaviour) I know it must be a terrible time for you and I hope you have friends and family to support you. Take care

inthemistsoftime Fri 10-Oct-08 07:47:07

I agree with the other posters, he should nor be treating you in this way.

Make it very clear to him that if he sees her this weekend what will happen, protect yourself and get to the doctors for a check up, above all look after yourself, your dcs need you.

fizziwig Sun 12-Oct-08 15:01:44

my husband had an affair said it was over and was not. He would run out on my son and i and would meet her at the hotels he was staying in when away on business.
If he is meeting her this weekend i would say he does not care about what you and the kids think

anorak Sun 12-Oct-08 15:08:23

I think the gambling debt is just as big a problem as the affair. It's true to say, when money goes out the door, love goes out the window. You're married and half of that 70 thousand was yours.

As for the affair and the blatant meeting this weekend, it speaks for itself. Don't put up with it. I'm not normally one of those 'kick him out' advisors but in this case I would. Even if you want to save your marriage you've got no chance unless you stand up to him and give him a shock.

ConstanceWearing Sun 12-Oct-08 22:28:03

He's off to meet her this weekend is he? I'd go with him, if I were you. What an absolute piece of poo. The reason he is doing this is because he thinks he can get away with this behaviour. Jerk his chain - and hard. If he leaves, all you've lost is a lying, cheating, selfish, self-pitying loser.

(Don't mean to be harsh, but I used to have one of those!! They make me spit blood and feathers ).

solidgoldskullonastick Sun 12-Oct-08 22:35:39

Get some legal/financial advice as soon as possible. Once you know the full details of your position, then you can decide what to do. 'Kick him out' is not necessarily an option because if the home is in both names/his names you can't make him leave unless he is violent: however, find out the legal position so you won't be fooled by any bullshit about how you have to just suck it up when he is unkind to you etc.

jasper Sun 12-Oct-08 23:48:52

Show him and his debt the door.

I might be unusual but the gambling debt would concern me far more than the affair.

Tortington Mon 13-Oct-08 00:50:57

kick his arse and see a solicitor pronto - if you stay with this shit you have no dignity

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