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Help - Getting over an affair, quick!!

(8 Posts)
completelylost Thu 09-Oct-08 13:30:42

Having been in a happy relationship for 18 years, I was a little shocked, when my husband announced last year that he thought our marriage was over and that he "was in love with someone else". Left to stay with friends for a couple of days, ended his one month old "non-physical" relationship with female from work and came back with all the facts. We struggled on trying to get over things, going through what everyone else seems to go through, but he had been distant and angry for some months prior to relationship and this never diminished. This coupled with my emotions made things very difficult and at the end of February this year, after a month long holiday in Oz, I decided that I was not "feeling the love"(!) and needed some reassurance that nothing else was going on. I had been suspicious of this, with no real evidence - just gut feeling. Accused of being paranoid, ruining things, not moving on etc. During this period I lost about 2 1/2 stones, not sleeping etc

Managed to locate on-line mobile bill when home in UK and establish that relationship had ended for a couple of weeks (whilst she had been on holiday in Aug 07 as it turned out), but continued from end of August to end of Feb.

Getting over this, when during that period he had appeared to be trying, attending counselling etc, telling me he wasn't seeing her, loved me etc has been enormously difficult. It's almost like double the deception and I feel so stupid.

We both attended counselling independently, and it seems that he had been suffering from clinical depression

In May, he suffered a siezure, thought to be induced by stress and we both felt we needed to get a grip. Easier said than done of course, but we have done our best. Just feels like it has all been bottled up though - all the feelings are still there, we just avoid speaking about them.

I love him dearly and do believe that he is with me now, however, the trust is still absent, and I still get anxious, worried etc.

Four weeks ago, having had investigations for the seizure, we have been told that he has a brain tumour with survival rate of 5 -10 years. In the same week, my father and his mother have both had significant health "shocks" - leukemia and blood clots on chest... So much stress all at once.

During the last week, all my anxieties about the affair appear to have re-emerged, and I feel like I'm on my knees, when I really need to be stronger than ever. The guilt is incredible - I want to make him happy, more than ever now. Any advice?

CountessDracula Thu 09-Oct-08 13:32:20

you feel guilty?

completelylost Thu 09-Oct-08 13:36:26

I'm obviously sounding really sad! I suppose I feel guilty because it's likely his behaviour has been related to the tumour and that having both committed to being together, I want whatever time we have left together to be happy, not dwelling on the past. It just makes us both feel so bad.

CountessDracula Thu 09-Oct-08 13:39:15

You think a tumour would have caused him to have an affair?

completelylost Thu 09-Oct-08 13:44:42

It's possible - apparently the area it is located in is the area which affects mood, emotion and judgement.

jesuswhatnext Thu 09-Oct-08 13:46:00

i'm certainly not going to defend his actions but i do know that brain tumors CAN effect behaviour.

i really have no advice other than to be kind to yourself, you sound a nice woman with one hell of a lot on her plate - my best wishes to you.

CountessDracula Thu 09-Oct-08 13:46:10

I think you need to stop mixing these two things up in your mind

He had an affair
He has a brain tumour

The two are highly unlikely to be related in any way

Just because he has a brain tumour doesn't mean that all your stuff about the affair will just go away. You may choose to take the pain yourself and not talk to him about it, pretend it is all over so that he has an easy life. Do you think he would want that? Could you even do it? Would you not then be living a lie essentially for the time he has left?

I think fwiw you should talk to him about it.

HappyWoman Thu 09-Oct-08 14:07:11

I too think you must not 'blame' the affair on his tumour - yes it may have played a part but you will never know for sure.

5-10years is a long time to invest if you are not 100% happy.

You do need to ask yourself if you are wanting to stay with him now because of his limited time - out of duty if you like or if this really is the man you want to spend the rest of both of your lives with.
Please dont feel guilty if you do not want to be with him now and no-one will think the worse of you if you now dont want to make a go of it. How will you feel if after his death you discover that those last few years were also a lie? Will you feel as if you have wasted your life?

My h had an affair and i can empathize with you wrt the trust issue. Please dont you dare take the responsibilty for that - this is not your making it is his, and his alone to mend.

You say you want to make him happy - but i have learned that it is not in your power to do so - he has to be happy himself as you do yourself.

I have also learned to live much more in the present now - it is not always easy but given that you know there is a limited amount of time it may be easier.

It is not an easy road but it can be done if you both want to for the right reasons. Good luck

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