Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Is this the era of infidelity?(55 Posts)
Or do we just have better means of discovery? (mobile, email, etc.?)
And...are we just supposed to take this crap - moving from one long term/short...A life littered with relationships and the odd discarded child along the way?
nah, is just easier to find out these days
also, people much less willing to turn a blind eye than 20-30 yrs ago
Hmmm... d'you reckon it was somehow EASIER to turn a blind eye? Which is worse, the zero tolerance loneliness or the doormat style companionship?
well my means of discovery was a mobile bill
but then in a previous time he may not have been living away during the week
no answer really
I know and am sorry for you AYCMD
I'm getting the feeling that for sooooooo many relationships it's a case of snoop and ye SHALL find.
I can see that you have a valid point. Mobiles and emails provide good hard evidence - that DHs/DPs are cheating. I personally believe that cheating by partners definitely did go on in past eras, they just couldn't get the proof. I think it's all about acceptance too. It could be suggested that many women may of just accepted the fact that their partner cheated occasionally. Women appeared to accept the fact that their place was in the home (and everything else that came with it). Things have changed for the better though. Women now have more choices and more job opportunities - about time too.
The thing is, compulsory monogamy DOESN'T WORK. It never has worked. Probably around 50% of people simply aren't monogamous, and whether they try to be monogamous to please a partner or look 'respectable' or whether they have bought wholesale into the bullshit that the only 'proper' relationship is one of sexual ownership, sooner or later they will be looking for other partners. There would be so much less misery all round if people a)worked out for themselves how important sexual exclusivity is for them and b) acknowledged that prospective partners probably have different views and c) stopped thinking that just because you are monogamous doesn;t make you morally superior to a not-monogamously-inclined person and d) stopped trying to force, coax, coerce, beg or manipulate a relucant partner into a monogamous relationship.
I'm inclined to agree solid but I'm not liking that reality.
Erm, why is fidelity important to me? I don't exactly know but I do know I don't like the feeling of a certain 'specialness' disappearing when one has to think of one's partner doing close bodily contact with another.
Makes me cry, personally.
Objectivity: you're not wrong for feeling that way any more than anyone is wrong for being gay, or being a masochist or having a rubber fetish. People are what they are. It's more that people have to take into account who a preferred partner is, and what the preferred partner wants out of life.
Actually, Dittany, I'm quite aware that some people take pleasure in harming others, deceiving them etc. But some people also make a habit of decieving themselves ie that 'love will win through' and that it is possible (and not unethical) to 'change' a partner.
Ok,would be interested on some theories on infidelity. Not that it changes anything but I really do struggle to understand why a person who is in a relationship where they know fidelity is assumed/expected would hurt the person they supposedly and perhaps genuinely love.
Is it just procreative instinct at work, and have some individuals (perhaps mostly women) simply evolved faster in terms of social moral standards affecting behaviour? Or,actually,which is more evolved...the moral standards we hold or the impulsive behaviour. Maybe the moral standards are stuffy and out of line with modern life???
The worst mistake the majority of people make is in not discussing fidelity/exclusivity until there is a crisis. If it's a big deal to you one way or the other you need to let a new partner know fairly early on (whenever anyone I've shagged requests a second date or a relationship of any kind I always explain that monogamy is not on offer) giving the partner the option to agree with you, or explain that he/she is at the opposite end of the monogamy spectrum and therefore it's better not to proceed.
Objectivity, the main reason more women conform to the idea that monogamy is compulsory is not that women are 'better' than men: it's that not-monogamous behaviour from women carries a higher risk of social harm, physical injury and death. One of the biggest triggers of severe domestic violence against women is a man's belief (whether or not it's a correct one) that the woman is having sex with another man or thinking about it.
Agree its easier to find out about cheats these days. However, if it's going on you don't necessarily need email or mobile. Good old fashioned instinct is all thats needed to find out. Trouble is the reasons are age old and infinate. Some people are meant for monagomy and would never ever dream of cheating. Some cheat & learn their lesson. Some don't. I was the OW in my relationship,married my guy then got cheated on by him. We worked it through. If he cheats again he's history & believe me I'll know!!
Also why don't people who wish to have a non-monogamous style of living check with the partners of the people they want to have sex with that that person is in an open non-monogamous relationship first?
People are entitled to their own lifestyle, however HONESTY is the big thing here. I personally would hate to think that something I would do purely for pleasure could potentially wreck some other adult/childs life forever. People just don't like the responsibility that comes with having a sexual relationship and should perhaps consider who they are having sex with first.
Absolutely agree with you Dittany. When we married we both promised to remain faithful to each other as part of our wedding vows. There was no need to discuss our views on monogamy because we both knew what we were promising. I can understand that if a couple is not married they may wish to discuss the issue of monogamy, but to me, that comes with being in a committed relationship and I would expect it than hope for it, IYSWIM.
AFAIAC if you don't want to be faithful when you are married, don't promise it just because it sounds good for the wedding video!
Ahem, at least half of the adultery divorce petitions I issue every year are against a wife who's having an affair.
What's with all this "women are morally superior to men because they're less likely to have affairs" bollocks?
Agree with solidgold. Sadly.
I think that too many people get married without realising exactly what is involved - it is meant to be forever, it's not just the next relationship in the series, it's forever. And that is harder than many people understand. But no-one is forced to get married these days. You have a choice.
I think as a society we have tolerated it and so it has become the 'acceptable' norm.
Rightly or wrongly in my grandmas day the ow would have been shunned. And any woman having an affair would have been called a fair few names too.
We are taught not to 'get involved' in other peoples lives now it is their bussiness.
Marriage is bloody hard work and often needs support - sadly that is lacking today.
We have all become too selfish and somehow think we deserve to be happy above anything.
I do however think affairs are different for men and women though.
Actually it is perfectly possible to adapt marriage vows so as not to promise monogamy and quite a few people do this. Also, not all relationships are marriages, or are going to become marriages: again, people need to TALK TO EACH OTHER about what they want. Some are happy with longterm non-exclusive 'casual' relationships, others see dating as some sort of assault course or ladder to climb where things 'have' to progress from dating to shagging to moving in to marriage and breeding. Again, two people at opposite ends of this spectrum are going to make each other miserable - and even more so if neither ever explains his/her position but just assumes the other person feels the same way.
It's also true that monogamism and the belief in The One/SOulmates and all that bullshit is actually one of the biggest causes of hurt and pain - people who believe this crap often dump existing partners with stunning brutality because they fancy someone else and think that this new fancy must be The One and everyone else is therefore disposable (whereas the sensible monogamy-free would know that different people fulfill different needs and there is no need to end a perfectly good relationship because you fancy a change.)
yes sg but there is a good reason to end a relationship if someone is being dishonest, or if you cannot accept someone wanting and then having a sexual relationship with another person. It would highlight that your are not compatible surely and that sex means something different to each of you. I agree people are different and want different things from relationships, however it does seem that those who want fidelity get screwed over (pardon the pun!) by those who pretend to be sexually faithful and have affairs,fill a need etc.
Plus people in open relationships finish relationships with one and move on to others just as in monogamous relationships creating just as much problems/ jealousy etc. I know of one such couple who had an open relationship and used to brag how they would always be together because they loved and trusted one another and were able to have sex with other people only for her to up and leave with another man. Obviously in this case this new man completely fulfilled her needs!
I think it has been said before that some people promise fidelity which they have no intention of keeping, plus they get their OHs to stay monogamous so that they don't have to worry about jealousy and comparison. No one should condone that surely and I repeat again people should pay more attention to who they have sex with and the consequences.
Sexual intercourse does after all result in pregnancy if unprotected (and in some cases protected) as well as STDs. One of the big health concerns is the message that condoms provide safe sex which is incorrect, it provides safer sex and does not completely make sex risk free from HIV, hepatitis etc. From purely a health point of view you obviously would be showing no concern to your partner by potentially exposing them to STDs.
I think it is the era of honesty.
Adultery has been commonplace in all societies throughout the ages. These days we can end bad relationships and start on new and better ones.
Join the discussion
Please login first.