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I'd be interested to know if any of you had negative relationships with your grandparents - did it affect you?

(6 Posts)
Flossish Wed 08-Oct-08 21:34:39

DP is growing increasingly tired of MIL, her not bothering at all with our DC. He used to take DS to MIL's house at least once a month, but she just bitched to everyone that as he only ever went when I wasn't there he was trying to get help with childcare. The reality was I think that he hoped her lack of interest in our children stemmed from her dislike of me. Unfortunately it has now become apparent to him it her lack of love for him. She is openly negative and critical of our DC over her other grandchildren who are the same age. DD has only popped by her house once since she was born over a year ago, we've never been invited and given up on 'dropping by' as DP was always made not welcome (eg turning up on mothers day with lovely flowers to be told he couldn't come in).

Basically in some talks we have come to the conclusion that we may just try not to see her after SIL moves away next year (currently she lives around the corner, we leave our house and see MIL's car there (as does nearly 4 yr old DS sad) and yet months pass without her seeing our children.

I fell out with her earlier in the year and felt better for not seeing her, although if and when DP saw her he would update me on the negative comments made about DS especially and my blood would boil! I recently saw her again but we do not have a good relationship. She is a very negative lady who has not got good words to say about anyone and fails miserably to see her own hypocrisy.

I think the last straw for DP was her going away to work for DD's 1st birthday and his father not bothering to drive 5 mins up the ring road to see her either. Oh, and for those who say she had to work, they are mortgage free on a £60k salary from FIL alone. And sent DD's gift via SIL rather than come before/after to see her.

Anyway, enough about her. I am concerned that her negative attitudes and difference in the way she treats her grandchildren could upset and hurt my DC. I was an only child and an only grandchild so I don't know if I am being oversensitive about this. Therefore I'd really appreciate anyone sharing how things were for them when they grew up with cousins etc.

Tortington Wed 08-Oct-08 21:43:39

my mil blatently favours her youngest sons children. she always has done

bil has recently moved near us - 300 miles away.

they are coming down this year for xmas, they never came for xmas before!! just as an example.

the kids know - now teenagers, they are respectful, but know who has their place and treat then with indifference and distain.

i am an only child too, and this sibling shit pissed me off!!

Flossish Wed 08-Oct-08 21:53:01

PMSL

I do just feel as though I don't get it all. It really makes me look at my relationship with my own DC. DS for example is nearly 4 and always in trouble and DD is just one and only just beginning.... It is easy to look upon DD favourably being a baby and negatively towards DS who is up to mischief/having tantrums/being difficult. And yet I try and pull myself back as I don't want to end up as MIL!!!

critterjitter Fri 10-Oct-08 23:55:51

I had quite a similar grandmother. She would visit my cousins (who lived around the corner) but never us. She'd also knit them cardigans and jumpers, and if we called around to see her, she'd try them up against us for size and say something like: "Do you like it? Its for {cousin's name. " sad She'd wax lyrical about our cousin's academic achievements (she paid for them to go private!), but refuse to acknowlege ours (even though they were actually better!).

Essentially, her problem was with our mother, and she used us to get to her.

I did speak to my cousins about her a few years ago and they were shocked by the cardigan knitting sagas and the psychological game playing that was going on (they hadn't realised as they were much younger than me at the time). They confirmed that their parents had told them that she had paid for all their private schooling, holidays, clothes etc. Which made me feel pretty sick TBH, as I have vivid memories of being taken around to their house feeling genuinely hungry and wearing obviously jumble sale clothes at Christmas, and watching them clear away the remains of their expensive food and delight in opening their (usually John Lewis) presents amongst themselves. (We were never invited to eat with them, probably because of my Grandmother's influence).

I'd say that one of the results of all of this, is that I am very weary of the relationships that family members try to develop with my DD, as I won't have her put in the same position. I now keep most of them at arms length.

shelleylou Sat 11-Oct-08 00:17:21

I've never had a close relationship with my grandma. Im certain the main reason for this is because of my GM's belief tha my mum was an infatuation (this was said to my dad 24 years ago and my parents are still together) she also made it known that she disagreed with my name. My db's both younger where her favorites out of the 3 of us i think this was moreso as i am the 5th gd and they are her only 2 gs's.

When i was younger it bothered me as i didnt understand why now though it doesnt i used to us not being close, i go visit now and again and she has seen ds. I wouldnt say its affected how i am with ds and his extended family as he his close to my parents and dbs. He sees his paternal gm when he visits his dad but rarely sees his paternal gf AFAIK hes seen him 3 times at most and that was due to us visiting

mum2niamh Sat 11-Oct-08 16:31:40

hello, my dad and uncle cut my gran out of their lives when i was 15 after a lifetime of cruel treatment which is too much to go into. i dont blame them for doing this but i do feel sad that my aunt and elder cousins who took gran's side missed out on things like my wedding and my dd, and my gran died last year and my dad said he didnt feel anything, didnt go to the funeral. honestly, she was a horrible woman and was starting to turn against us kids too, calling my wee sis a slut etc. we didnt need her in our lives though so its been no real loss. the immediate family is what matters.

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