Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

WOuld you contact old friend and tell her her husband is seeing someone else after they spplit and you haven't seen her for a year?

(27 Posts)
MadameCastafiore Wed 08-Oct-08 14:03:05

Complicated but fell out with a friend about a year ago as we moved away and two friends were really mean about me moving and a bit jealous I think.

Made nasty comments and after me going to visit one on her birthday I asked them if they would come up to lunch at mine - got replies of 'God not trekking all the way up there' and 'You are the one that moved' - was at a really low point finding it hard to settle in and it really hit me hard their nasty comments - they did make more horrid ones but in that vein.

Anyway one had split with husband about a year before and he always swore there was no one else - wasn't entirely his fault as far as I could see their relationship was one sided with her calling the shots and him not having much of any sort of life outside of the direct family unit - but that is a different matter.

Anyway haven't spoken to them since but DH saw said hussband on the train last week and he was with another woman - he went to great pains to try and act as though they were not together and although he did acknowledge DH he almost ran off the train - which makes me thinkt hat he is still saying he didn;t leave her for another woman IYKWIM.

Anyway half of me thinks keep out of it and half of me thinks maybe I should contact her and tell her - part of me misses her but part of me thinks leave it - it is none of my business and she will find out sooner or later.

So what would you great mumsnetters do?

MadameCastafiore Wed 08-Oct-08 14:03:55

Sorry lots of Anyways there!

Kewcumber Wed 08-Oct-08 14:04:51

pwresonally I'd steer well clear.

SorenLorensen Wed 08-Oct-08 14:05:12

No - because you have had a falling out and she will think (especially after the space of a year) that you are ringing up to gloat.

If you want to try and re-kindle the friendship then put feelers out, definitely - but stay out of this - it'll only end in tears.

Tamarto Wed 08-Oct-08 14:05:17

Leave it.

Also who's to say they haven't just met?

mrsmortenharket Wed 08-Oct-08 14:05:22

i understand that you want to tell her but personally i would leave it, these things always have habit of rebounding onto the messenger ...

dustystar Wed 08-Oct-08 14:06:23

Definitely leave it

S1ur Wed 08-Oct-08 14:07:46

No. I don't think I would. I am not sure whta good it could do. At best she and you make friends again but at what cost? You making her feel like rubbish?

Nah. Contact her since you miss her and be friendly. Forget about the husband.

GrabShellDude Wed 08-Oct-08 14:12:08

I would leave it tbh.

mumblechum Wed 08-Oct-08 14:28:22

What possible benefit would it be to you or her?

No brainer I would have thought hmm

MadameCastafiore Wed 08-Oct-08 14:29:29

I don't know - I just thought if it were me I would like to know - maybe not??

mumblechum Wed 08-Oct-08 14:32:23

Why would she want to know?

They're over, telling her what he's doing now would open old wounds imo

Overmydeadbody Wed 08-Oct-08 14:34:44

Definitely leave it.

If they have split up, what is the point of telling her?

Tamarto Wed 08-Oct-08 14:36:12

Maybe he's just met someone and she knows about it?

Maybe they are just friends but he knew how some people would see it?

It's a huge leap to see someone with a woman a year after they've had a split and pressume that that person is why he left his wife. Or am i missing something here?

newgirl Wed 08-Oct-08 14:39:33

god no definitely not

if you knew for certain it would have an impact on her settlement perhaps, but how could you ever know for sure of the circumstances

just put it down to one of life's ironies

MadameCastafiore Wed 08-Oct-08 14:39:46

Just a bit miffed as to why he had been so shifty about it if he had moved on or just got with her?

Tamarto Wed 08-Oct-08 14:43:24

Maybe because he knew people would act like you? wink

Have you thought about the reasons he may want to keep a new woman quiet?

Especially as you say in your OP his ex likes to call the shots.

littlelapin Wed 08-Oct-08 14:44:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newgirl Wed 08-Oct-08 14:48:28

i think you are hoping that being able to give your friend this info will mean you have a bond again, but it wont - she will be upset, however well she is moving on in her life, and it will just be complicated

as it is over between them, there really isnt anything to report anymore - what he does is up to him really

ScareyBitchFeast Wed 08-Oct-08 14:50:56

no, don't tell her, she is hardly going to like you for telling her is she?
imagine if the boot were on the other foot, what do you reckon you would think of her, as a messenger, giving that sort of news.

keep it to yourself

FabioCatello Wed 08-Oct-08 14:56:27

This woman does not consider you enough of a friend to support you in your move, nor go to the lengths of visiting you.

You have no right to be miffed - it's none of your business.

Maybe the husband knows his wife is a madwoman and thinks it wise to keep schtum about his (possibly) new relationship.

If he wants to tell her, it's up to him.

This is not a friendship worth rekindling imo.

If you're thinking this is a way back in to the friendship I think you're mistaken. Where other/new women are involved, you can guarantee a messenger will be shot.

Steer well clear.

ScareyBitchFeast Wed 08-Oct-08 14:59:23

why do you want her to know?
do you want to meet up with her for herself.?. in which case ask to meet her but don't talk about her ex.

lulumama Wed 08-Oct-08 15:11:01

is there a part of you that wants to tell her to exact a little revenge for your hurt feelings?

no reason at all to get involved with someone after a year of no contact, when you fell out anyway.

not like an old friend you are still fond of

you;ll only get it in the neck for stirring it, no-one thanks the bearer of bad news

TillyScoutsmum Wed 08-Oct-08 15:11:09

Surely if he'd been seeing someone else for over a year, she would have found out about it by now ?? I would assume he's in a new relationship and just felt a bit awkward seeing someone from his "former" life.

Nothing to tell imho but if you want to get back in touch to be friends, then there's nothing stopping you doing that.

MadameCastafiore Wed 08-Oct-08 15:14:37

No I don't think I want to be her friend to be honest we were just thrown together as we had kids at the same time - was antenatal group - and I don't want to get revenge - just metioned it to someone the other day and they were appalled that I hadn't told her - everything was on her terms and I think that was the problem with her and her husband to start with - he was younger than her and wasn't allowed a life - DH and I both said it was sad when he went but he needed something outside of going to the shops on a saturday morning and to her family to have dinner on a sunday - poor chap didn't have a life as she was so controlling.

Thanks guys - have set my mind at rest - I won't say anything.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: