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so mortified with embarassment i could die!! (warning, it's a bit graphic!!)

(61 Posts)
emz31 Thu 03-Mar-05 07:33:08

oh my god, i don't know where to start, so i'll just plunge right in - DH came home early last night and found me upstairs-ahem! - having a good time on my own with a hand held shoulder massager!!!(blush). there was no getting out of it, i just started to cry with embarassment and kept saying i wished he'd called first!! - poor bloke was fine about it on the outside but we're both fairly reserved sexually and i just don't want him thinking i do this sort of thing every afternoon whilst he's out at work (i really don't!) he seems normal this morning, but i just can't stop thinking about it and just feel a bit wierd about our marriage now, like i've ruined it, or been caught cheating on him. i know this sounds really funny and i'd laugh about it if it was someone else but i feel so ashamed and guilty and i don't think i'll ever feel normal again - oh no, i've started crying again just thinking about it.
i don't expect that anyone else has been in the same position but some well meaning advice on how to get over this would be v. welcome as i feel so awful.

misdee Thu 03-Mar-05 07:37:15

buy a toy together. he may want to join in.

emz31 Thu 03-Mar-05 07:47:33

cheers misdee, but i'd die of embarassment now just at the thought of even bringing that up again, as don't want to be reminded of what he saw!

bathmummy Thu 03-Mar-05 07:55:06

DIYing is very normal and I bet he does it too. Stop feeling ashamed and guilty - I bet there were thousands and thousands of women doing very similar things last night.
Saying that, I do understand your embarrassment as I would have felt a bit embarrassed too. I reckon the best way of dealing with this so that it has a positive long term result is to deal with it and talk to DH. I would probably need a few glasses of wine first TBH, but would not leave it too long and just tell him how embarrassed you were and are concerned about how he felt about it all and that you don’t want it to make you both feel reserved with each other any more. Be brave, discuss it and trust your DH - he loves you, he is bound to be doing similar himself (almost all of us do). Ultimately a great outcome would be for you both to find this a way to start being more open about your sexuality with each other and maybe experiment a bit more and follow misdee’s advice.
Please don’t be tempted to bury it and hope it goes away - it won’t really, just be at the back of your mind making you cringe every time you think about it which is not healthy way to live.

moonshine Thu 03-Mar-05 07:58:58

Sympathies to you! Of course one day you will be able to look back and laugh about it, even if it still makes you blush. But maybe you need to take a deep breath (tonight - a glass of wine for dutch courage?) and just mention it/talk about it or you will be forever worrying about what he thinks and if the subject will ever come up. And then maybe you can put the incident behind you.

SleepyJess Thu 03-Mar-05 08:08:05

Dear emz31.. please, please stop worrying. This is NOT the end of your marriage..the only problem you have here is embarassment. What you were doing is perfectly normal and natural and I'm SURE DH KNOWS this even if he is a bit unsure about how to act after finding you in this position.

You have absolutely not done ANYTHING which constitutes cheating.. you CANNOT cheat on your husband with a shoulder massager ok! It is only the same thing as what your DH does often, (without the shoulder massager!) whether he admits it.. or whether you were aware of it or not.. it's what men and women do.. except in some cases, men are a little more open about talking about it. (That is not to say that is anyone doesn't do it, they are abnormal either..) And it doesn't mean that your sex life is not up to scratch either.. the DIY thing is just something extra whitch we are equipped to so..feels good.. so we do!

Yes its embarassing.. and yes if was me I would be embarassed.. not because DH doesn't know I do/have done it.. but because it would not be something, that, on that occasion I was planning to share with him. I guess I would intitially 'die' of embarassment.. then laugh..and then ask DH if he has 'got off on it'..and I know what the answer would be!!

Misdee's idea is a good one.. but before you did anything like this, you need to talk to DH and laugh with him about him. Make yourself do it.. don't make this perfectly natrurl and normal thing create any distance between the two of you because it's just not worth it.. it's fine honestly.. it's just that you are not in the habit of being open about these kind of things with DH.

Stop panicking hun

SJ x

emmatmg Thu 03-Mar-05 08:27:30

I bet he loves the idea of you doing that anyway.

I suspect most men would be really turned on by it.


Don't worry about it.

emz31 Thu 03-Mar-05 08:33:59

Thanks all, we did sort of discuss it last night after i had the whole tears and mortification bit. he even told me to see the funny side and said jokingly that the massager was very versatile!! he even pounced on me and we ended up 'doing it' although i suspect that that was just a plan to stop me crying. and i did bring it up afterwards but he just told me not to worry and was soo chilled about it (although it could just be an act) but it's just me who can't stop thinking about it. i feel like i've let him down in some way. how do i stop myself thinking about it? i'm a terrible worrier anyway and will often make things up to worry about!

katierocket Thu 03-Mar-05 08:37:18

em I think you are worrying unneccessarily. It sounds like he's fine about it and I'm sure he is - there's nothing wrong with it. You haven't "let him down" in the slightest. He's probably genuinely (and secretly) pleased!

spagblog Thu 03-Mar-05 08:38:23

Hmmm, for my DH it would have been a chucking offence at the beginning of our relationship...10 years down the line and two babies later he tells me that it is a fantasy of his to come home and find me occupied in that manner.
Amazing how people change eh!
I am sure that although slightly shocked your DH is more than happy to have seen that side of you.

Evesmama Thu 03-Mar-05 08:43:01

i think you feel bad cos you were doing it in private and he saw you, its more of an invasion and you prob think if you found him doing it youd be furious..but at the end of the day..its quite normal isnt it?! and i agree, he probably felt more turned on than anything as you were pleaseuring yourself and it wasnt another bloke, so hell prob be happy to carry this new game on..and make it part of your intimate moments.hth

SleepyJess Thu 03-Mar-05 08:47:19

Splablog.. it would have been a 'chucking offence'??!! He told you this? Why would anyone end a relationship for reasons to relating to one incidence of masturbation??!!! I'm so glad he has got over this and grown up a lot!!

SJ x

SleepyJess Thu 03-Mar-05 08:48:44

(Sorry I meant spagblog..and no offence to DH meant.. just.. well.. MEN!!!!)

emz31 Thu 03-Mar-05 08:50:38

evesmama, you're exactly right, it was private, i know i should forget about it but i just can't. didn't sleep last night at all. spagblog, you've worried me, would a man really chuck you for doing that?! hopefully mine will just forget about the whole sorry incident!

Evesmama Thu 03-Mar-05 08:53:51

i think he's fine with it honey and i understand your worry, your embarresed , would be like taking a poo and realising everyone could see!!!(or maybe not?)
maybe if you dont 'do' this kind of stuff together, he thinks his luck could be in and has secretly wanted to add something new?? FWIW, me and dp do 'do' this kind of thing and i would still be mortified if he'caught' me doing it on my own..perfectly human

SleepyJess Thu 03-Mar-05 09:02:24

emx31, please don't worry about that, I am sure spagblog's DH is in the minority..!!!! And your DH sounds really mature and fine with it, bless him.. and don't be too sure that you and he only 'did it' last might because he was trying to stop you crying!! Men can't just summon up the urge out of nothing you know.. if he was that bothered (negatively) by what you were doing then it would have been a huge turn off to him.. so you definitely wouldn't have got a shag out of it!

The problem here is just the way you are feeling love. It's very fresh still now.. but as the days pass, you will start to feel more ok about it all. Matbe one day you will even want to post it on Joash's 'most embarassing situations' thread! [grin} (You could have a read of that.. might make you feel better anyway..)

SJ x

SleepyJess Thu 03-Mar-05 09:11:42

Oops actually that thread wasn't Joash's.. she just springs to mind because she has posted so many cringable tales on it, which relate, primarily, to poo

SJ x

biglips Thu 03-Mar-05 09:15:53

dont worry Emz - as DP caught me out aswell in our bed and i nearly died of embarrasment - he thought it was soooo funny .. BUT i know that DP does it to himself but i can never catch him for the past 4 yrs (Damn) to make him embarrased !!

Bibiboo Thu 03-Mar-05 09:17:45

emz31, I have only ONCE broken wind in front of my dh and we've known each other 10 years, been together 8, and that time I cried with embarassment. Never mentioned it afterwards and never have since. In fact, I'm now just thinking about it! We always said that's one thing we never wanted to hear from the other, maybe our way of keeping romance alive?! hehe
However, I have been known to DIY and have been "caught in the act" and feel no shame at all. It's horses for courses and every couple is different. I know a girl who's partner has never seen her without makeup and she'd be mortified if he ever did. They don't live together, but have been together for 6 years, been on hols together etc.
Glad you and dh talked (and got jiggy ) - don't be embarassed, it's normal and healthy and nothing to be worried about.

Kelly1978 Thu 03-Mar-05 09:18:29

Why should you feel like you've let him down? Pleasuring yourself is really healthy for both of your sex life. I agree with emmatmg, most men are really turned on by it, I know my man is I think exploring it together would be a great thing to do, you could both get a lot of fun from this and clear the air completely!

munnzieb Thu 03-Mar-05 09:19:11

lol, well DH hasn't exactly caught me out, but he has caught ahem.... 'toys' we shall say on the bedside table. He jsutr laughed, and said well at least I know u're not cheating on me. ( I think he'd rather I ahem.. sort my slef out as it were than look else where, it's no different to men and they're ahem.. tugging antics as it were!

(ooh and as a point of interst my DH prefers the toy's when he can join in as well!)

Branster Thu 03-Mar-05 09:20:05

Oh babe, what a story!
it souns to me like DH is absolutely fine about it. It must have been very emrassing because it's such a private thing to do. Perhaps if you think in terms of it could have been your mother catching you doing it, then it would have been 100 times more embarassing.
There might be one problem now: DH might turn up hom,e unannounced in the hope of finding the same situation .
You'll probably both laugh about it in a few months time and he's sure to tease you about it a few times.
But please do not worry. Just explain to him taht it was a one off event if that makes it look better, but I can only asume he must have liked the idea, even if he was slightly surprised by his findings.

Branster Thu 03-Mar-05 09:20:33

and next time, make sure you put the latch on the door

SleepyJess Thu 03-Mar-05 09:21:28

I caught my ex H once.. LMAO.. .. it was in the middle of the day..and I was downstairs.. and I suddenly got this feeling that he was up that that upstairs.. so I crept up the stairs.. (nasty cow that I am (ex H and I were not really very respectful to each other!).. and he had clearly just finished... has been doing it in the spare room and was walking across the landing into our bedroom with it *all hanging out*, in his hand... .. in order to go find a tissue!!!

Oh how I laughed and took the piss out of him! (See how NICE your DH is emz31!).. I didn't let him live it down for days and he had the right hump! Thing is, he could have caught ME often, (altho never did!) because it was the only way I got any real enjoyment.. I certainly didn't with him!!!!

SJ x

essbee Thu 03-Mar-05 09:22:35

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