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How do I cope with being replaced by OW

(20 Posts)
nomanworthcrying4 Tue 07-Oct-08 15:57:53

Husband left after last xmas. I was totally devastated as he never talked to me about there being a problem. At the time i confronted him about him having an affair with a certain woman, which he denied. I have started the divorce process. For the first time ever he took our children away over the summer holidays and 'accidently' bumped into this woman. This was confirmation enough that he had been having an affair and eventually he admitted it. I have now found out he has been taking her out locally (she does not live locally) and has been out with a couple who are mutual friends. He has also been asking my friends who are couples if they would like to go out with them. I am realing. I feel he is rubbing my face in this. How do i cope with it?

mumblechum Tue 07-Oct-08 16:01:51

Well, it's quite difficult for your mutual friends, in that they won't want to be seen as taking sides.

If it weren't for the fact that he's trying to mix socially with mutual friends, presumably you'd be ok about the fact that he's with someone else now?

When my ex & I separated, we had a chat over the phone about how to handle that aspect and agreed that certain of our friends were "his" and some were "mine" & that we wouldn't accept invites from each other's friends.

That was an unusually civilised divorce, though.

titfortwat Tue 07-Oct-08 16:04:08

You poor thing! what an insensitive thing for him to be doing. It must be difficult for the friends too. I bet you are fuming with the friends for going along with it.

I have no advise really, as I would feel exactly the same as you probaly do right now.

WhirlingStirling Tue 07-Oct-08 16:39:40

That is a difficult one - it would tear me to pieces sad

Every time I have nearly thrown the towel in on my relationship, I have pictured h taking ow out to meet friends, to birthday parties or even taking our dc out and it has driven me on to try again.

Sorry - not helping much as I am not sure how I would deal with it. I would def be annoyed with "friends" that have socialised with your h & ow.

nomanworthcrying4 Tue 07-Oct-08 20:01:33

I have been through every emotion imaginable since he left. My story is just like so many on MN.

I had confronted him before he went as he had gone quiet and wouldn't talk. I found text messages to his PA (the Ow) That i didn't think were suitable for a work colleague.

Then 2 days after Xmas he said he wanted to leave. I then find out he had been looking at flats and had bought stuff for the flat to move straight in with.

I have really struggled with the emotional turmoil of seeing our children so upset and from a money point of view he is counting every penny he gives me even though he has a v. good job. if i change anything or confront him on certain issues I just get a barrage of abuse and called all the names under the sun and how he has wasted the last 15 years of his life.

I thought i was a strong person but his cruelty towards me takes my breath away sometimes.

I had mentally tried to prepare myself for Ow appearing on scene, but to do it on the family holiday was totally unbelievable.
He is mentally wiping me out of his life.
But the cruelty in the way he is doing it is unbearable sometimes.

Alexa808 Thu 09-Oct-08 10:24:33

Dear NM,

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of advice to offer but wanted to reply as your last post made me so sad.

From what your are describing I think the time window for discussions with your H has closed. For the sake of your own future, but even more for your dc, I think you should see a solicitor ASAP. Go ask round here or in Legal matters section maybe someone can help. You need to see a lawyer to estimate what is due to you and t get on top of your financial situation. I assume your H bought the items for the new flat & paid the deposit from your joint account angry Please, please, please get in touch with your bank, get all the statements together & inform them of your situation at home. Maybe put a 'lock' on your account so not more than £300,-/day can be taken out without written consent from both of you. Definitely set up your own account & direct children's tax credit into it! Please don't stick your head in the sand, I'm afraid his mean-ness and moneypinching will get worse once he listens to OW and sees you and your dc as a liability.

Do you ave close friends in RL? Is your family nearby? Now is the time to ask them for full support. Are you close to your H's family? Could you get them to back you? As the mother of his children and their grandchildren, the least you deserve is respect. Don't let him treat you like this!!!

Is there a chance for you to fiddle some £££ away? Maybe write out some cash cheques for yourself from your joint account. It'll help you should need be.

I suggest you get your documents together ASAP: bank statements, insurance policies, house evaluation, pension, etc. Do not let him bully you. Keep quiet about it, just get it all together. Once you have a solicitor, give him all the docs.

I'd seriously consider naming (and shaming) the OW. It'll be on public record and some companies might shy away from hiring someone so disloyal and scheeming (sp?). This fact of his adulterous ways will be on public record should he ever try to tell lies to anyone & esp. your darling kids.

Be strong, smack him back! (Emotionally).


nomanworthcrying4 Fri 10-Oct-08 13:14:57

Thanks A.

I have been to a solicitor but I was well and truly shafted by him both emotionally and financially.

All our savings were in his name, even though I paid into the accounts from my wage. He even got me to transfer his credit card debt onto a card in my name some months before he left - he knew exactly what he was doing. Remember I was oblivious to his affair and future plans with that scrubber. angry

I did tell his work about their relationship but they said the 'allegations' were malicious and as they were of a personal matter and nothing to do with his job then they were not interested.

Friends and family have been fantastic, but i try not to go on about it all the time - they have their own lives. H family have now accepted he has moved on and just want my dp's to be happy. Fair enough i suppose - but they are not left in this nightmare. sad

unhappy Fri 10-Oct-08 13:51:01

nothing sensible to offer you but good luck with it x

lulabelle Fri 10-Oct-08 13:55:01

Have had same sort of issues, OW lives in my marital home!! (although that will soon change). I have also faced the issues with the friends, I get annoyed when they say they do not want to take sides as I have never ever put them into a position where they feel that they should. I do get annoyed at how easily you are replaced, i.e. I saw pics of my friends at a wedding and there they were xH and the OW sat amongst them all smiley and happy. I wasn't even invitedsad

OrmIrian Fri 10-Oct-08 13:58:18

Oh noman sad. That must hurt so much.

No advice I'm afraid but much sympathy.

Alexa808 Fri 10-Oct-08 14:35:11

Oh shock you must go back and see another solicitor dear. Is there any chance you can get legal aid. Your H is a true arsehole for doing the credit card trick on you!!! angry

I can't believe how he could get away with it. It's also very sad to hear how his family is reacting. I'd definitely not keep schtum how you're suffering and what he has done to you.

Legally if you split it doesn't matter what name the savings are in. You were in a marriage, whatever you accumulated in your time together HAS to be split. Also: you have kids, they are a priority! You should at least expect maintenance, possibly the house and personal upkeep for yourself.

PLease ask in Legal Matters/Money section, there are a couple of fab experienced lawyers lurking!

I really hope you get your fair share (and possibly more). x

lula: that's just sad. How insensitive of them, poor you.

nomanworthcrying4 Fri 10-Oct-08 14:41:09

Lula do you have children - not that it makes any difference to the way we feel.

If i didn't have to deal with him because of the children i feel i would be stronger to put up with ow - maybe not sad

Its like a rollercoaster sometimes - its the resentment from him i can't understand.

He's gone, done what he wants with who he wants but i still get a barrage of abuse at the drop of a hat - i just want to be left alone.

Anna8888 Fri 10-Oct-08 14:41:21

Have you seen any kind of counsellor/therapist to help you come to terms with the breakdown of your relationship?

nomanworthcrying4 Fri 10-Oct-08 14:51:34

Alex - Thanks I will ask my solicitor again but when I first mentioned it he said that due to the amount being competitively small (£4,500) in savings it probably be ignored by the judge and the same for the credit card bill. But that amount is a lot to me and took a lot of hard graft! To then see him splash out on his new pad when he complained about what ever penny I spent really p. me off.

He doesn't actually give me maintenance as such - not directly. He is still paying the mortgage and some of the child care which works out the same as what the CSA would ask him to pay.

I am hoping when I do get to the finances of the divorce that I get more then the minimum - which is what he is giving me now. I will just have t wait and see.

Anna - it has crossed my mind about counselling but so far I feel I have managed without any intervention - but maybe I should be looking for some more help sad

Anna8888 Fri 10-Oct-08 16:39:43

Please don't think of yourself as in any way failing to manage by seeking counselling - quite the contrary, it is a sign of strength to recognise in life when some extra, specialised help can enable you to move on faster.

I really would recommend you do smile

knockedgymnast Sat 11-Oct-08 10:16:45

I was in a similar situation although different circurmstances a few years ago. My 'best' friend had been sleeping with my boyfriend. The whole street where we lived, knew about it and not one of them thought to tell me. When it came out, my 'friends' took their side and totally snubbed me. It was absolute torture. I felt absolutely mortified. Because they were staying with friends of mine that lived further down the street, it was embarrassing to see them walk past the window laughing and smiling. THis went on for a while until I woke up one morning with a completely different attitude.

I concentrated on what I had and not what I didn't. It still upsets me now when I think of how sad I felt and what impact it had on the kids but you know what, life has a habit of biting certain people who act this way on the backside. The exp concerned is now in prison for burglary (sp) and she has moved far away.

The funny thing is that the so called 'friends' who took their side, came around to me when it had all blown over, saying that so and so had nicked this and nicked that from them and how bad they were etc. I had great pleasure in telling them that it wasn't my problem. Now years later, I'm back on an even keel with some of these friends as I don't like to hold grudges but still make it known, when they bring the subject up that they shouldn't have snubbed me and how it made me feel.

You will be ok. I will say a few prayers for you. Take care of yourself and your children. Things are not always as they seem. Good luck, you will be fine, you have to believe that. You will not feel this way forever X X

nomanworthcrying4 Sun 12-Oct-08 17:01:23

KD - How awful to have him and her walking past your window, what a low life’s they both are. shock

I just want him to stop flaunting it in my face. Its hard enough being left to cope with everything from the home, kids, going to work and then the emotions of being betrayed by the man you love.

I do believe in Karma - its the wait that's killing me.

macdoodle Sun 12-Oct-08 17:43:39

I never get this - why should they not choose sides - of course they should choose sides - you were their friend he behaaved appalingly as did the tart he is with - you did nothing wrong and IMO they should acknowledge this !!
A certain friend of my H who I considered a friend of mine (I had known her 10 years they were there the day my DD1 was born and we had asked them to be her legal guardian in our will) befriended the OW and didnt even do me the courtesy of a phone call to see if I or Dd1 were ok angry - she said she didnt want to choose sides - well she did she chose the OW over me and IMO that does not make her a friend of mine!
I no longer see her at all and am barely civil if I bump into her - when we wewrote our will recently (very complicated story) - my H expressed amazement that I no longer wanted her to be the legal guardian of my children (she has never bothered to even meet DD2)......
Of course friends choose sides and if they are embracing OW then they are no friends of yours - surround yourself with trie friends and expect nothing from his family ...
Good luck and I can promise you it does eventually get better - look to yourself your children and a better happier future knowing all she has is a dud

skidoodle Sun 12-Oct-08 19:46:21

Agree with my scottish cousin macdoodle wink

"I don't want to take sides" is a coward's charter. If you refuse to "take sides" when one person is being badly treated by another then you are condoning that poor treatment for your own convenience. It is a shitty way to behave and gives you a useful insight into someone's character.

Alexa has some great advice above.

I don't know if there is any comfort at all in this, but there is something so cheap about just replacing one person in your life with another. It's crap for you, but imagine how rubbish it must be to be the new model, being slotted into someone else's spot, always knowing that you are being compared to what went before.

Sure, at first you will compare well as you'll hear plenty of complaints your predecessor. But as time goes on you will gradually feel unbearable lightness of being a replacement and knowing that you too are utterly replaceable.

As for "wasted 15 years" and being so cruel to you angry I guess the shitbag needs to make this your fault because he doesn't want to face what he truly is.

Liffey Sun 12-Oct-08 21:20:12

WEll call me o'doodle! NO WAY would I want to continue socialising with a man who'd treated even an acquaintance I was friendly with in this way.

some people are all about even numbers around a dinner table and they've no idea about real friendships.

I would take sides. THis really must be absolute torture. This sorts the wheat from the chaff though. the friends who do 'choose' you are the ones who were worth having all along anyway. The rest were just extra arses around the table iyswim.

Poor you sad post.

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