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How far would you go with a friend?

(7 Posts)
honestfriend Tue 07-Oct-08 12:46:24

Name changed for this- but a regular.

Have a friend whose 20 yr old marriage is in big trouble- she has been in counselling for 3 years but it has gone pear shaped as the counsellor has become emotionally involved and taken sides. Very unethical.

Problem is though that the counsellor has made my friend feel the marriage issues are 100% DH fault, and that she is perfect.

I have known friend for 30 years and we talk about everything. I know that she should take some of the blame for the relationship. For the most part, I have listened to her with occasional comments if I feel she has over reacted to DH and his behaviour, which has caused the rows. She cannot take any criticism.

Would you tell her any home truths, if it could save the relationship? Or keep quiet?

At times I think her behaviour is completely unreasonable, but her counsellor has put her on a pedestal, and she now believes DH is in the wrong all the time. I don't want to give specific examples, in case it's tmi, but what would you do?

hecAteTheirBrains Tue 07-Oct-08 12:47:46

Never give opinions unless asked for them!

NotQuiteCockney Tue 07-Oct-08 12:50:07

The counsellor sounds dreadful. (Hmmm, is it possible that the counsellor hasn't said this, but that your friend is choosing to hear only criticism of her DH?)

I don't think "home truths" help, as I doubt your friend would hear them. But you might be able to ask some pointed questions, listen carefully, maybe make some gentle points?

more Tue 07-Oct-08 12:50:27

Are you sure it is not just a matter of her having convinced herself that counsellor agrees that she is all that (and more)?

Is she normally able to persuade herself (and others) that when she does something wrong it is okay because she did it with the best of intentions.

I know certain people who are experts in never, ever being in the wrong. Never having to say sorry. Always doing the right things, even if they don't do the right thing it is never going to be as bad as what the other person did.

honestfriend Tue 07-Oct-08 13:24:30

The counsellor ( who is actually retired- but she went to her as she is a friend of a friend) has actually written her letters after the sessions saying "leave this awful man" and words to that effect. I have read those letters. Counsellor is batty.

What she has done is given my friend confidence to stand up to her DH. But too much so- and now she feels she is right all the time and he is wrong, all the time.

I just want her to be happy and I suppose when she off loads it is very hard to be completely impartial when I can see why her behaviour upsets DH as much as his upsets her.

more Tue 07-Oct-08 15:43:38

If there is written evidence of misconduct should he not be reported? Even with him being retired.

Even though if you want to keep her as a friend then I would stay well out of it. Nod and smile, nod and smile.

honestfriend Tue 07-Oct-08 21:30:05

He's a she- and friend thinks she is great! (Cos she has been her cheer leader for all this time.)

Good advice- difficult though when you can see your friend's marriage going down the pan and she is following the "advice" of this batty counsellor who has poisoned her mind imo, with her strong views on her DH. She makes her ( friend)out to be Mother Theresa, and honestly, she has her faults like us all- but it is hard when she ask my opinion of a row etc and I am thinking "Well you were in the wrong then, imo," but she never even thinks that- she is always right.

We are VERY close- and she spends hours talking about it- but the minute I hint that she may be partly to blame, she cannot see it.

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