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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Friends dh tried to strangle her today - I can't sit back and let her do nothing can i?

16 replies

Aveda · 07/10/2008 11:38

Changed my name but I am a regular.

This is the 3rd time he has assualted her. He is controlling and a bully.

She has been conditioned to feel he is right and she is wrong.

He controls all the money and she asked for some today to buy food - that's what kicked it all off.

She called another mutual friend as it was all happenning - she went round and he was still there being very polite and kind. He apologised she had been dragged into it and said HE was acting in self defence. This is BULLSHIT. Friend said he was very convincing.

I have spoken to her, she is very shaken but will not call the police. Instead she is going to see a solicitor.

I feel sick, knowing he has done this 3 times now.

What can I/should I do?

OP posts:

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ilove · 07/10/2008 11:41

Well, the only thing you can do is have (if you have the room) a bed ready for her and any children, and let her know you are there for her if you want to be.

Unfurtunately you cannot make her leave if she doesn't want to...she has to get to that stage herself.

I'm sorry, probably not what you want to hear.

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ilovemydog · 07/10/2008 11:42

She needs to leave. But she also needs to be in a position whereby she will be able to survive without relying on him. She needs valuable documents (passport, child benefit details).

You can help by going with her to solicitor and being there.

But great that she is getting outside help

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Hassled · 07/10/2008 11:43

I don't think you can actually do anything otehr than make sure she knows you're there to support her regardless of what she decides to do. Not easy, I know. You could point her in the direction of the WOmen's Aid website so she knows what her options are.

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umberella · 07/10/2008 11:44

sorry, i would contact the police.

this happened to my sister and they told us that trying to strangle someone was classed as attempted murder.

very difficult decision for you, but ask yourself how you might feel if he doesn't let go in time next time.

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Aveda · 07/10/2008 11:51

That's my point umbrella.

I don't trust this man one bit. I am frightened what he might do.

If I call the police they will know it was either me or my other friend.....

OP posts:

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ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 07/10/2008 11:57

TBH she has to get to the point of leaving herself. And unfortunately that can take a while. IMO a woman who doesn't leave after the first couple of times of being assaulted is probably going to stay a while.

Try not to pass comment on him or tell her what you think she should do.

Make sure you are there for her and spell out exactly what it is you are willing to do and make sure you stick to it.

Invite the children round for tea and give her coffee and cake so she has a change from being in the house.

So so sorry, sad and angry that things like this go on.

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ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 07/10/2008 11:58

Could you phone the police to get it logged?

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Tortington · 07/10/2008 11:59

just be there.

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Tortington · 07/10/2008 12:00

dont judge outwardly to her face either, or else she will become embarrased and withdrawn and won't see you. playing right into his hands

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Aveda · 07/10/2008 12:06

She came round on sunday for tea and cake after our ds's had swimming lesson. We are going out on Thursday (if he allows it ) for wine.

I'm scared for her, and I'm scared for her kids

OP posts:

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Tanee58 · 07/10/2008 13:08

Would she let you go to the solicitor with her? What is her intention when seeing the solicitor? If to leave him, she needs to find out her rights and it may help to have a friend with her who can take notes, ask questions etc as she may be feeling very fraught, intimidated, especially if he has worked on her for years to undermine her self-confidence.

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slug · 07/10/2008 13:50

If you can get her to agree, take photos of any bruises he has given her. They may be useful as evidence later on.

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GypsyMoth · 07/10/2008 14:26

well if you're scared for her kids,don't hesitate,call social services. they will be able to support her also. i was in bad dv situation.....i knew there was help out there,but couldn't bring myself to make the first step....it was them that helped me get out. and the kids.

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fairy15 · 07/10/2008 15:00

i am currently in a simular postion to your friend. last thursday my dp got his hands round my neck & tried to chuck me out of the house. he has never hit me but has pushed me, hit/smashed things & i belive it is only a matter of time before he does. next week unknown to him i am leaving with our boys. over this week i am getting paperwork, money & information ready for when i leave.
its hard being in that situation as they make out its not a big deal & that you are the one that has made it happen. thinking back it happend a lot more times then i first thought.
just support your friend & be there for her. let her know that you will help anyway you can.

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SpandexIsMyEnemy · 07/10/2008 15:05

fariy - get as much out of the house as you can do to a safe place - and good luck to you.

OP - say to your friend that both you and the 3rd friend are always there, offer to keep a abg of clothes/toys etc at your houses, and also any copies of any financial affairs - in an envelope if she'd rather- just out of the house. then if it's needed you have it there ready. be practical give emotional support but please, don't show any pity or be judgy - the pity is what really got to me in the end tbh - I didn't/don't want pity - it's been it's happened it's gone.