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If your relationship hits rock bottom - is separation inevitable? Is there any point fighting to save it?

(16 Posts)
WhatsupDoc Mon 06-Oct-08 20:51:24

I know everyone says relationships have to be worked at. But what does this actually MEAN in real life? DP & I are at rock bottom after 8 yrs together and 2 young DDs. In a previous life I would have walked away by now, as things are now officially shit. I'm in a stable but loveless relationship and I feel utterly defeated.

But a tiny voice is saying don't give up. There are still things worth fighting for.

If my relationship has really got that bad, is there any chance of building a strong, loving and rewarding relationship from the wreckage?

Or do I call it quits and stop kidding myself?

Elasticwoman Mon 06-Oct-08 20:59:12

Life can be very difficult with 2 little ones. Has your dp actually said, without you asking him, and not in the heat of an argument, that he doesn't love you any more and wants to quit?

Your tiny voice tells me you still feel something for him, even if it's deep down.

I've had bad times in my marriage, but we're still together and happy after 25 years.

WhatsupDoc Mon 06-Oct-08 21:09:32

Thanks for replying Elastic

No, he is adamant he loves me and is content with our life together. It's me that has the doubts.

I'm just wondering what 'bad times' means in a marriage. Would that include (as in my case) doubt as to whether you want to spend the rest of your life with that person? Or once you reach that point, is it time to face up to the fact that it's time to give up?

JakeMUM Mon 06-Oct-08 21:12:37

I get that feeling sometimes as to do i want to spend the rest of my life with this person? i have a little one, he's 3. What has made it feel like its hit rock bottom?

Elasticwoman Mon 06-Oct-08 21:13:35

Bad times means having visions of ending it, yes.

solidgoldskullonastick Mon 06-Oct-08 21:14:30

If there's violence then it's almost certainly doomed. If no violence, do you still feel respect for each other as human beings and co-parents? If one of you has reached the stage of feeling contempt for the other, it's probably unsaveable.

GrinningGorilla Mon 06-Oct-08 21:21:25

Whatsupdoc, When you first got together did you have a list of things that you wanted from your relationship and the things you wouldn't put up with?

Are you putting up with things just to keep the status quo?

WhatsupDoc Mon 06-Oct-08 21:23:19

No violence. He has a very negative personality, no drive, I think it borders on depression somedays. We don't communicate well at all.

I have been feeling contempt for him recently, but when I look at the situation objectively I know he doesn't deserve it at all.

Complicated, sorry!

(Thanks Elastic)

WhatsupDoc Mon 06-Oct-08 21:34:56

Thanks Gorilla, no list I'm afraid. We kind of drifted together, I don't think either of us expected it was going to turn into a long term relationship.

I don't think I'm putting up with things, particularly, but with hindsight, I probably should have walked away a long time ago. I was quite insecure when we met and just wanted to be loved, which he did, unconditionally.

I ignored our differences, but now they are becoming increasingly difficult to ignore.

Does that bode well for a solid relationship? It's quite scary writing all this down!

Elasticwoman Mon 06-Oct-08 22:14:16

You make the choice of whether to make the best of things or quit. You don't have to look far into the future and make guesses. Sounds to me like he needs a doctor.

NotQuiteCockney Tue 07-Oct-08 07:48:11

Did you grow up with one parents showing lots of contempt for the other? It's easy, in relationships, as in parenting, to fall back into the patterns that are most familiar, even when you hate them.

Is counselling an option for you - either you on your own, or you both as a couple? It could help clarify things.

mymittens Tue 07-Oct-08 09:02:30

whatsupdoc - sounds very familiar to me. I'm in a similar situation. no spark, endless rows, different when we met, etc. Dh still wants us ot be together but i'm not so sure. It's so hard because he does have some very good points but i can't say that i love him anymore. I do feel something for him but i'm not sure it's love. I' going ot counselling to try to work out my feelings. have you considered this?

MeMySonAndI Tue 07-Oct-08 09:23:37

It is difficult to say when is time to say good bye particularly if there are not serious issues, but the fact that there is no violence and there is still respect doesn't mean things will necessarily get better.

It took us ages to take the decision (about 6-7 years???), everybody insisted we were such a good couple, we were friends, we had a lot of respect for each other, and we could talk and joke freely about anything, but what people was seeing was a very good friendship and in the way that you sometimes would not be able to love a guy you would be happy to marry to your sister or your best friend, we couldn't love each other and at some point we realised that we were getting very bitter against each other and decided that what relate could not solve in years we were not goint to solve ourselves... well finally we took the plunge last year and it has been fantastic for the 2 of us. He is one of my best friends now, despite the split

HappyWoman Tue 07-Oct-08 10:13:20

It is ok to want to be out of a relatinship - but you need to know what for. Is it to be yourself more, do the things you want instead of having to accomadate another person in the equation - i think a lot of people can relate to this.

Can you not find something for you and still stay in the marriage?

But if you want another relationship to replace this one it may be too late.

Good luck

MeMySonAndI Tue 07-Oct-08 11:36:32

I disagree a bit about the "wanting another relationship". I supose a lot of us that end up divorced came out of that relationship thinking that we wouldn't like to get into another one.

MuthaHubbard Tue 07-Oct-08 17:17:33

similar situation to memysonand1, we get on better now there is no relationship there. we also got to the point where we were starting to get bitter and score points against each other. we both admitted that things had been wrong for a long time and are friends who are also parents.

not much help i'm afraid!!

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