I know everyone says relationships have to be worked at. But what does this actually MEAN in real life? DP & I are at rock bottom after 8 yrs together and 2 young DDs. In a previous life I would have walked away by now, as things are now officially shit. I'm in a stable but loveless relationship and I feel utterly defeated.
But a tiny voice is saying don't give up. There are still things worth fighting for.
If my relationship has really got that bad, is there any chance of building a strong, loving and rewarding relationship from the wreckage?
No, he is adamant he loves me and is content with our life together. It's me that has the doubts.
I'm just wondering what 'bad times' means in a marriage. Would that include (as in my case) doubt as to whether you want to spend the rest of your life with that person? Or once you reach that point, is it time to face up to the fact that it's time to give up?
If there's violence then it's almost certainly doomed. If no violence, do you still feel respect for each other as human beings and co-parents? If one of you has reached the stage of feeling contempt for the other, it's probably unsaveable.
Thanks Gorilla, no list I'm afraid. We kind of drifted together, I don't think either of us expected it was going to turn into a long term relationship.
I don't think I'm putting up with things, particularly, but with hindsight, I probably should have walked away a long time ago. I was quite insecure when we met and just wanted to be loved, which he did, unconditionally.
I ignored our differences, but now they are becoming increasingly difficult to ignore.
Does that bode well for a solid relationship? It's quite scary writing all this down!
whatsupdoc - sounds very familiar to me. I'm in a similar situation. no spark, endless rows, different when we met, etc. Dh still wants us ot be together but i'm not so sure. It's so hard because he does have some very good points but i can't say that i love him anymore. I do feel something for him but i'm not sure it's love. I' going ot counselling to try to work out my feelings. have you considered this?
It is difficult to say when is time to say good bye particularly if there are not serious issues, but the fact that there is no violence and there is still respect doesn't mean things will necessarily get better.
It took us ages to take the decision (about 6-7 years???), everybody insisted we were such a good couple, we were friends, we had a lot of respect for each other, and we could talk and joke freely about anything, but what people was seeing was a very good friendship and in the way that you sometimes would not be able to love a guy you would be happy to marry to your sister or your best friend, we couldn't love each other and at some point we realised that we were getting very bitter against each other and decided that what relate could not solve in years we were not goint to solve ourselves... well finally we took the plunge last year and it has been fantastic for the 2 of us. He is one of my best friends now, despite the split
It is ok to want to be out of a relatinship - but you need to know what for. Is it to be yourself more, do the things you want instead of having to accomadate another person in the equation - i think a lot of people can relate to this.
Can you not find something for you and still stay in the marriage?
But if you want another relationship to replace this one it may be too late.
similar situation to memysonand1, we get on better now there is no relationship there. we also got to the point where we were starting to get bitter and score points against each other. we both admitted that things had been wrong for a long time and are friends who are also parents.