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MIL making me so cross!

(13 Posts)
Bibiboo Wed 02-Mar-05 17:07:15

I know this is a bit trivial compared to some problems on the relationships thread, but it's driving me mad. After MIL butting in on wedding by basically throwing a paddy and crying a lot in front of dh, then throwing money at us, she got our wedding guest list extended from our original 20 people to 56 (why did I give in ffs?!), she's now doing the same thing for dh's 30th birthday party.
We invited MILs 2 best friends and husbands because they were a big part of dh's life when he was growing up and he went to school with their children. We also invited the children (2 sons). Friend's son 1 told MIL he and wife couldn't make it as they had friends down from Scotland that weekend, so she just told him to go ahead and bring them dh wouldn't mind, um, he did actually but didn't say much to her except that he didn't know them. Then friend's son 2 said eh couldn't come either (info she kept to herself ufor 2 weeks until last weekend)...and this is where it gets really good...
She told dh on the weekend that she'd invited 2 more of her friends because they ususally go out on Saturday night with her best friends and she felt awkward that they'd have to cancel to come to party, so told them to bring friends as well - WE DON'T KNOW THEM - HAVE NEVER MET THEM!!! When dh said that to her, she said "oh well, it doesn't matter because son2&wife aren't coming anyway..."
SURELY THAT'S NOT THE POINT?!?!?! Am I being unreasonable in getting mad about this? Then yesterday she turns up with a cheque for £300 (half the party cost), passing it off as a "birthday present" to dh, but basically it's a bribe so we don't kick off about her guests. I feel like screaming "for goodness sake woman, it's your son'd 30th birthday DISCO, not a bingo night!" They will be the eldest there by at least 20 years and will juts sit there moaning about the music and scoffing the buffet! Grrrr!

breeze Thu 03-Mar-05 07:13:16

No I don't think your wrong to be unhappy about it.

Its your DH's party, you have invited some of there friends which I think it fine.

Can you not have a word with her?

Nothing really helpful, just hope you sort it out.

runtus Thu 03-Mar-05 14:24:26

Sorry but I'd tell her to host her own party.......

morningpaper Thu 03-Mar-05 14:25:36

She sounds dreadful!

pinkroses Thu 03-Mar-05 15:34:57

I had this with my MIL. Just because she had some friends who had seen my Dh grow up, she assumed that every event in our lives had to be shared with them....and I didn't know them!!!

The worst was when we were getting married.....we wanted a small wedding, and she wanted all of her friends invited....without offering to pay a penny, I might add!! So we decided to go abroad and get married. The mistake we made was taking her with us!!!! She ruined our wedding.

I can't remember what my point was with this....only to say, you are entitled to be mad as she is going too far!!!

vict17 Thu 03-Mar-05 15:42:53

I think this is where you have to be strong with your dh and tell him it's his mother and does he think she's out of order and if he does then he has to tell her. That's what I do with my dh - I deal with my family and he deals with his and if i'm unhappy with something his family does I tell him to sort it out!!

irishbird Thu 03-Mar-05 16:09:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chipmonkey Thu 03-Mar-05 16:38:01

I think you have to nip this in the bud but get your dh to do it, to present a united front. My MIL sabotaged our wedding too and made my nice aunt and uncle sit beside horrible snobs that WE didn't even know!! I have 3 sons. Please let me not be like this to my DILS. I would hate to be such an old witch.

chipmonkey Thu 03-Mar-05 16:40:01

PS, Irishbird, is your MIL Irish too?

Bibiboo Thu 03-Mar-05 17:08:38

Phew, thanks gals. At least I don't feel unreasonable now. Sometimes she is SO kind, dotes on dd and has always been lovely to me, until we moved in together just over 2 years ago (dh had been living in England until then). I think she still sees me as a little girl of 18 (as I was when she first met me) and that I'm incapable of looking after her son like she would. I've managed to keep the interfering to a minimum by basically not asking her over a lot, and playing my cards close to my chest on a lot of things in our life.
My problem is that dh hates arguing with his mother (his brother is the total opposite and offends/upsets her quite regularly, but lives far enough away to not worry about it), and I hate pushing him to stand up to her then see her get upset. I don't think her tears are meant to be manipulative, but on the other hand, she knows that it can and does work on dh.
The other thing is that ske IS kind - she's taking on dd full time when I go back to work, for free, and has given up her job to do so (amongst other reasons). This gets too complicated for words sometimes!
But you're right, it's up to dh to sort out, right? I shall be having words with him this evening. Too late to do anything much about the party now, but I don't want this to happen again. Thanks for the advice.

moondog Thu 03-Mar-05 17:18:50

She sounds dreadful. Unfortunately, money does give people a lever over you. Are you in a position to refuse the money and have the party YOU want??

shimmy21 Thu 03-Mar-05 18:02:09

I would feel just like you too ... but to play devil's advocate here - wouldn't it be easier (and less stressful for you??) to accept the extra guests with a shrug of your shoulders and a 'more the merrier attitude'?
I guess that a few old folks won't make a big difference to your night which should be just as you want (loud music or whatever). If they don't like it they'll go early. If they do then they might be fun people anyway and make the evening more fun for your MIL.
Then next time you plan anything -don't tell MIL until the last minute!

Bibiboo Thu 03-Mar-05 22:47:54

To answer your questions, I would love to refuse the money but as she said it was towards the party as "a birthday gift" for dh, it wasn't my place to refuse and it would seem very ungrateful then.
And I know I should shrug and let it pass, but surely that gives her free reign to do it again at some point thinking that I won't mind.
This is sucha tricky area. Spoke to dh about it and he said it bothers him, but not enough to "keep going on about it". I guess I've still got a bee in my bonnet about the wedding. That turned out to be lovely, but it's still haunting me that it's NOT what I wanted.
Maybe that's a sign that it's my problem not hers?

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