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SIL lied to me.

(59 Posts)
LOVEMYMUM Sun 05-Oct-08 19:20:49

I had my little girl at the end of February by c-section due to failed induction as a result of borderline high blood pressure.
DH's sister (my SIL) said that she was unable to visit our new little family as her 30 year-old daughter would be jealous.
She did look after LO for a few hours one afternoon. I told a family friend and SIL rang me to tell me off about telling friend.

I spoke to her daughter who telephoned me this morning to tell me that her mother said that she used jealousy as an excuse as she did not want to look after any more people (she is the oldest of six children).

I understand that SIL wants her life to herself, but to lie involving an innocent person.... i find that borderline unforgivable.

I no longer trust SIL and i don't want her anywhere near me. She takes our daughter out of DH's arms cos she thinks DH needs a rest -what does it have to do with her?

Help - i can't break off contact cos she is my SIL but i find her a hypocrite. She paints herself as being a good person - not in my book she isn't!!!

DoubleBluff Sun 05-Oct-08 19:22:53

What are you going on about?

DoubleBluff Sun 05-Oct-08 19:23:35

What are you going on about?

tiredemma Sun 05-Oct-08 19:24:26

?????

LOVEMYMUM Sun 05-Oct-08 19:25:32

I'm asking "what would you do in my position".

LittleMyDancingForJoy Sun 05-Oct-08 19:25:44

This is all a bit confusing - so your SIL told a little white lie about why she didn't want to come and visit, it sounds like she didn't want to hurt your feelings?

Also, how do you know her daughter is telling you the truth? Why would she tell you this when she must know it would be hurtful?

If you don't get on with your SIL then you don't have to see her too often, but I think breaking off contact would be a bit OTT.

ShinyPinkShoes Sun 05-Oct-08 19:26:44

Sorry if this offends you but your post was very rambly. hmm

What are you bothered about?
WHY should your SIL look after your children?

FWIW you don't sound as if you like her one little bit- was that the only point of this post?

FabioAsGoodAsItGets Sun 05-Oct-08 19:27:06

You've posted this before, aboutthe lying SIL.

Is this venting or are you after advice?

Sorry, not getting the point of your post.

Shitehawk Sun 05-Oct-08 19:28:00

This is only a big deal because you're making it a big deal.

Your baby is not the centre of everyone's universe, and to not trust her, or to want to cut off contact because she didn't come to see you when you had the baby is rather an over-reaction.

Yes, she told a lie - but I think you need to get over it. Lying doesn't make her a bad person, and neither does not wanting to come and visit you. It might not endear you to her, but I really think you are over-reacting in making such a drama out of it.

IAteDavinaForDinner Sun 05-Oct-08 19:28:47

Let me get this straight:

Your SIL doesn't want to have to look after your baby because she has a lot of family commitments so she made an excuse that her daughter would get jealous - right?

If you don't need any help from her then it won't be a problem. She's gone about things very strangely but it's not really a big deal unless you make it into one. Do you see her often?

FabioAsGoodAsItGets Sun 05-Oct-08 19:29:07

x posts

In your position I wouldn't do anything.

What's to do? You're not asking SIL to babysit, presumably, so just invite her over as you normally would any family member.

If SIL has ishoos with telling the truth, maybe she's taking dd out of dh's arms because she wants a cuddle>?

WingsofaBat Sun 05-Oct-08 19:30:13

Speak to SIL tell how you feel.

LOVEMYMUM Sun 05-Oct-08 19:31:04

Little - you're right - it's only a little white lie but i was very low after i had LO and she knew i ended up at my parents.

DH wanted to organise a dinner party as he had people coming from overseas who had helped him in his career. I was 4 weeks post c-section and still in a lot of pain, and was b-feeding too. SIL dropped everthing to cook the food and clear up afterwards. I was feeling very low and had mild PND. SIL sent DH to bed and told me to stay downstairs to help clear up. She woke me up!

SIL on another day parked her car in my driveway and blocked me in, i couldn't get the baby buggy out and had to miss a dr's appt. She didn't apologise to me when i told her what happened. She didn't ask if she could park there - i just opened the door to go out and saw a car there.

IAteDavinaForDinner Sun 05-Oct-08 19:34:02

I'm sensing that you don't get on with her generally and this lying issue is the tip of the iceberg. Does your DH know about this? Perhaps he could have a word with her if you don't feel able to.

LOVEMYMUM Sun 05-Oct-08 19:34:40

Hi everyone.

Wow - quick reaction. Thank you.

I think the point of my post is that SIL kept saying that she wanted to help me but when it came to it, she wasn't willing and rather than be honest and say, i can't, she lied and got her newly divorced daughter involved.

Wings - SIL rationalises her behaviour. When i told her about blocking my car in, she said that if she had stopped to ask me, SHE would have been late for HER appt.

Fabio - good point - maybe SIL wants a cuddle.

Kimi Sun 05-Oct-08 19:35:14

Why would a 30 year old woman be jealous of a new baby that is only her cousin?
All very odd

LOVEMYMUM Sun 05-Oct-08 19:36:34

Iate - DH knows about this and is rationalising her behaviour as acceptable.

SIL's daughter-in-law is pregnant and she told me that SIL has stated she wants to be in the delivery room when baby is born. DIL has her own mother living locally.

SIL has got a reputation for being controlling.

lulumama Sun 05-Oct-08 19:38:25

so you don't like your SIL, she most likely does not like you much either or helping y ou would not have been a problem, nor would honesty
you don;t have to be best mates, keep it civil and don;t dwell on it

if you don;t trust her just move on and nurture relationships with people you get on better with

LOVEMYMUM Sun 05-Oct-08 19:39:04

Kimi - 30 year old is not jealous. I thought she may have been cos mother spending time with me, but my MIL and other SIL didn't come to visit either.

LO didn't get anything from my in-laws for 6 months, not even a little £5 teddy bear from John Lewis, then got £300 in August.

NB. When i was pregnant, SIL and MIL told me, "Don't take any second-hand clothes cos people will talk". I didn't listen to them. Good - cos if i had, LO would have run out of clothes v quickly cos no-one was willing to help, apart from my parents.

NorthernLurker Sun 05-Oct-08 19:40:04

Look if you don't like her you don't like her. That's fine, lots of people don't like their in-laws - but don't try and make it all her fault. Sounds like a simple personality clash to me.

LOVEMYMUM Sun 05-Oct-08 19:41:19

Lulu - you're right.
I will keep it civil.

I think the problem is that we're a Jewish family and it's coming up to Yom Kippur, the Day of Repentence. SIL will perhaps fast all day, meanwhile, she, in my book, isn't honest in her relationships.

I also think a lot of this is to with finding my place within the family i have married into.

Thank you all for your input.
Very much appreciated.

LIZS Sun 05-Oct-08 19:43:34

What would I do ? Ignore her and move on . So you can't trust her, in which case woudl you really want her to look after your kids, but sounds like it is n't news and I don't see why her dd felt the need to tell you , especially so much later on. If she was made a scapegoat it is between her and her mum not involving you.

lulumama Sun 05-Oct-08 19:44:14

we are all hypocrites in many different ways, some big and some small

as she repents on Yom Kippur for her sins, she is also repenting for the sins she has committed unwittingly ( see the english transalation of the Al Chait prayer ) so take some comfort from that

it is really, in the grand scheme of things, a small thing, don;t make it a big deal

LOVEMYMUM Sun 05-Oct-08 19:47:50

Liz - only mentioned it to her daughter early yesterday evening and she dealt with it immediately.

It does involve me cos SIL used her as an excuse not to help, which does not tally with her constant exclamations of how much she loves me.

I was in desperate need of emotional and physically help, which was not forthcoming from these people who had kept saying (and still say) we will help you. When i ask, nothing.

LOVEMYMUM Sun 05-Oct-08 19:50:22

Hi lulu.

Yup - not that big a deal. It's more a matter of putting a spanner in the relationship between myself and my grown-up neice.

I've also realised that my so-called observant in-laws only do it for show, and don't do it in private.

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