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Husband completely ignoring me

10 replies

mumof2fabkids · 05/10/2008 12:29

Husband ignores me so much, pretending he doesn't hear me all the time, just feel generally disrespected and it's really getting to me. He says things like "you're a big fucking soft kid" and "who do you think you are?" when I have a go at him about it. Been together almost 20 years, lots of ups and downs but feel like as I'm approaching 40 it's too much. Arguing in front of kids and I know this isn't good. He has lots of good points but this is getting me down so much now. He never takes me out but goes out with friends at least twice a week, he says I should just go out by myself, he's right, I should (low self esteem?), how weak do I sound when I write it all down, I'm not but bloody hell, when you see it written down. Thanks for listening. Feel better just for writing it all down.

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mumoverseas · 05/10/2008 12:32

you don't sound weak, you sound tired, run down and unappreciated.
Have you not got any friends you can go out with? If not, take up a new hobby or evening class to get out and meet new people.
Sounds like you deserve a lot better and would be better off without him but you need to regain your confidence first.
Good luck

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HRHSaintMamazon · 05/10/2008 12:33

you probably do have low self esteem..and is it any wonder given the wayyou are being treated?

you are not weak, he is. he takes comfort in making you feel bad.

Imagine your life as a great big set of weighing scales. put on one side all teh godo points about staying with him, then on the other side the bad.
see which tips first.

it will help you decide where you want your life to go.

you may not need to leave him in order to get him to respect you. sometimes we just need to show them that we are deserving of respect.

why not sit down and pplan things that you can do for yourself to help yoru mood/increase your self esteem.

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RedOnHerHead · 05/10/2008 12:36

Have you tried writing it down and letting him know how you feel on paper? you shouldn't have to put up with it. I really don't know what else to suggest. how old are your dc's? could you take them places and maybe meet up with other mums to try and raise your self esteem?

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findtheriver · 05/10/2008 13:07

I agree with the suggestions on here. It seems writing things down helps, so why not write another list of your good points. What are your qualities? Also, what do you currently do that is 'yours'? ie hobby, career, job, friendships? If you can't find much to put on the list then that's a pointer to you that you need to address these issues.

At the end of the day, you are your own person. You are not an appendage to your dh, you are worth as much as he is. Sounds like you have got into a deep rut of accepting this kind of behaviour as the norm, and he is too. Time to have a shake up.

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mumof2fabkids · 05/10/2008 13:26

God, you are all so good. Have to be honest and say he puts up with my stuff too, I can be moody, snappy, have chronic PMT, but I do feel neglected as a wife, as a woman. I have a good job, kids are great, do great at school, great house blah, blah, but no, no hobbies and few real friends which has been my choice really, prefer to spend time with kids, we go out together a lot, and spend time together at home. Feel in a few years I'll start getting that "me" time back and can go and and re-start things again. Probably my own fault a lot of this actually. Have low self esteem, feel fat and ugly most of the time and DH doesn't help with that as he has a wandering eye, always has done, although to be fair nothing comes from it, but he always denies it when I catch him doing it, how immature is that? He's also in the Police and I know they are arrogant generally, he even told me that in his training they tell them that they are now better than most people, bloody cheek, like hell they are. Thanks everyone, real common sense is what's needed here and you gave me it.

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findtheriver · 05/10/2008 13:43

Glad you feel better.

I too am a bit that the police training involves telling officers they are 'better ' than others. But maybe this is what they need to deal with the bloody awful stressful situations they find themselves in. Sounds as though your dh needs to separate work life and home life though!!

And it's great that you have a lovely job and home, but tbh you need more 'you' time just to go out with mates and chill etc

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mumof2fabkids · 05/10/2008 18:32

You're right, ftr. I don't have any me time, well I do, but not often and when I do, I don't know what the hell to do with it. Things have calmed down now, but we can both be volatile, and you'd think after all this time that would have worn off. Nonetheless, feel very taken for granted, but have to admit that I have let this happen to me, it's always, "yeah, you go for it", and all that "don't worry about me BS". I am independent but find myself checking back with him on things like buying stuff in fact anything to do with money even though our salaries are on a par. What's that all about? I used to picture myself growing old with him but now I think I'll wait til kids are off at Uni, making a life for themselves, then he and I can split and still be young enough to make a new life,so until then, I just need to get on doing what I'm doing.

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mumoverseas · 06/10/2008 12:15

mumof2fabkids - I used to be a police officer and certainly don't remember being told at police training school that I was better than most people! Maybe he is in the met? Don't think I'm arrogant either!

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pamelat · 06/10/2008 14:26

I used to work for the police and admit that they are (generally) more arrogant than the general population.

The men seem to think that they are irrestible (not all of them of course!).

mumof2fabkids - I would definately arrange some time away. Maybe you could arrange a weekly time out thing, even if its as simple as going for a swim and sauna with a friend (exercise helps my self esteem)

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mumof2fabkids · 06/10/2008 21:08

mumoverseas - how did you know? Sorry, don't mean to generalise, but I've met a lot of officers over the years and there is certainly an air of arrogance about some of them. DH isn't like this all the time, just when we argue, but nonetheless, it's there, in him. Anyway, I've showed him this posting and he was quite shocked, naturally he felt people were siding with me and the posting telling me I'd be better off without him, shocked him. Interesting that the perspective of others can do what you can't, maybe it's called nagging? Trying to talk things through at the mo and see what happens.