How seriously should I take this threat?

[mrshankly]

This is the situation I find myself in.

I came home from a kids thing today with my eldest DC (4). He had been in the house looking after other DC (7 months) since just after lunchtime and it was approaching dinnertime by the time I returned. I walked in the door and saw that he hadn't made any effort to tidy up after lunch or do any of the three piles of washing I had sorted into colours etc. Dinner hadn't been started and it was nearly bathtime for kids.
I looked at the computer which was on and he had been checking out various websites while I had been away so obviously had time for THAT. I went upstairs and he was lying in bed (while holding DC), the room was a total tip, towels on floor etc. I was really pissed off as I look after both kids full time and keep the house together so at the weekend I want him to help with kids AND housework. Not just one or the other. He has a hot meal waiting and all that stereotypical nonsense. Anyway, that's an ongoing issue so maybe that's why I was sooo pissed off. He was making excuses but I couldn't be bothered listening, I was so angry, so I came downstairs and starting cleaning up and making dinner whilst seething. He brought kids down and I said to him 'I'm actually really angry with you that you didn't do anything' and he told me to fuck off (kids present, he's still holding DC2). This makes me more angry and I started shouting at him that he is lazy. I was really screaming at him (from the kitchen- he was in living room) so I take responsibility for that- I shouldn't have lost it but THEN, he goes off saying that he hates me and picks up something and moves as if to throw it at me (think it was the baby monitor) but stops before actually throwing it at me. I tell him to leave and he says 'No YOU leave. If you don't leave I'll kill you'.
I just froze and eventually asked him to leave again. He's still sitting holding DC2 and DC1 is sobbing asking us to calm down. I tell him I am going nowhere without the children and appealed to his common sense to leave and cool down. I started crying and shaking and he agreed to go and gave me DC2. He came back a while later but I told him to stay at a relatives and we'll speak tomorrow. He told me he didn't mean what he had said and agreed to leave it until tomorrow.

I have noidea what to do and could do with some wisdom right now.

He behaved similarly on one occasion about 7 years ago (been together for over 10 years) and stopped drinking because of it as he felt out of control when drinking. Same as this time, no physical intimidation but a threat of 'going to kill you'.

I need to stress he has never touched me in all the years we've been together and is a very placid person by nature. I am usually the volatile one although he once flipped and smashed a laptop during an argument. I have kicked a few doors, smashed a few cups etc myself though, over the years.

This year has been very stressful for both of us with enormous strains on both sides of our families and as a result, he has very few people to talk to about his problems. I'm not making excuses for him, just giving a rounded picture.

I need to figure out what to do next and want to make good decisions for my children.....shit.

[solidgoldbrass]

If he's out of the house tonight, you're safe tonight. Is there someone who can look after the DC tomorrow while you go and meet him in a neutral (public) place to talk it over? Given that he has not been actually violent, if he seems genuinely remorseful tomorrow then maybe some counsellign could help you both.

[Yurtgirl]

I dont really know what to say but wanted to show that I had read your post.

Do you all things considered love him?
If you do then maybe you could work out how to get along better.

If you dont love him then of course its different

I split up with my h two years ago - he was/is like yours in that if he looks after the kids it would never occur to him to tidy up etc. He minds them - he doesnt really actively entertain them, drives me nuts - so does the trail of empty coffee mugs and his shoes. All of which makes me grateful for the fact he is only he one day a week!

I need to go to bed now but I hope someone comes along with more helpful advice.

[mrshankly]

thanks- I was thinking about a neutral place tomorrow... he thinks he's coming here to talk about it but I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. I could meet him at a park near where he's staying tonight but don't really have anyone to take the kids at short notice. Our families are very split so we don't have parents to rely on.

[mrshankly]

thanks anyway Yurtgirl...

[mrshankly]

I do love him but am not willing to go through this again so I don't know where that leaves us.

[HollyGoHeavily]

I'm not sure what to say either.

Can you go somewhere with the children for a few days to give you both a bit of space to think about your relationship? Then meet him somewhere neutral and have a long talk about your relationship and what is and isn't acceptable and take it from there.

Too many women are hurt and killed by their partners in the UK each year to ignore/brush off threats - what he did is very serious and he needs to know that you are shocked and upset and will not stand for this type of behaviour.

I hope it works out for you.

[MrsMattie]

Oh dear. Best case scenario - he is immature and has a foul temper. I would be very upset and worried about the state of the whole relationship. Think you must take some sort of strong action to show him that you won't tolerate this sort of behaviour. Staying elsewhere for a few days might be a good idea.

[Yurtgirl]

Perhaps you could split temporarily whilst you both sort your heads out and work out what you want to do

you could for example go to relate and anger management classes

My h and I had the same childcare problems as you. I wanted to go to relate and work things out - he couldnt be bothered, we split and now I think he sometimes regrets it

Tough cookie for him though cos in many ways life is really good for me now - whilst he now is in a fix (and weighs 23 stone to boot)

I hope you manage to get some sleep

[Tortington]

a little disjointed but here goes

you need to go to relate.

it doesnt sound luje end of a mariage stuff to me tbh.

he works all week too - and you are acting like one big martyr

why not fuck the housework on weekends and have done?

and if the housework is that imporant to you - maybe you need to think about how intersting your life is - do you need to focus your mind on a hobby or something - to get you out the house.

its deffo commu ication isssue - its good you have your line in the sand

[MrsMattie]

Most reasonable people don't threaten to kill their wives, though@custy. especially not in front of your kids. It's, um, slightly OTT and worrying, no?

[mrshankly]

Thankyou for your thoughts-

I am in the house with DCs and he is staying with a family member so I'm thinking if asking him to stay there for a bit. I'm not sure if they will agree to him staying there though and he has nowhere else to go and we absolutely can't afford for him to pay for hotel/flat etc. We barely have enough to survive, pay mortgage etc. The money is a huge issue if we did split, even temporarily but I don't want to just welcome him back because we can't afford to split. I want to do the right thing.

His dad was a bully/verbal and physical abuser and it was like a little flash of him when he was talking to me. I was pretty scared of him and that freaks me out. I don't know if I can trust him again not to threaten me again, even if he doesn't mean it etc/is only in anger.

[MHill]

Don't really have any advice i can say but am thinking of you and hope it all works out.

[beanieb]

You both need to talk to someone and find better ways to comnicate. You are losing your rag and so is he. Is it the stress of young children and both of you struggling with how that changes things perhaps.

[mrshankly]

beanieb- we have had some counselling in the past... a few sessions with Relate to deal with some conflict between us- mainly his procrastination and my anger (ironically). He sits of his anger and I have a quick temper which also subsides quickly.

We stopped the counselling because we couldn't afford it anymore. We both need counselling individually and also as a couple but it is the money and fitting it into our schedules as we have noone to take the kids for free.

God it comes back to money all the time.

[ScareyBitchFeast]

had he had a drink at that stage? cos if it was sober that is a different story altogether

[mrshankly]

sits ON his anger

[ScareyBitchFeast]

ok, he was a lazy shit, but you were shouting at home, he shouted back, actually you were screaming from another room.

[mrshankly]

scareybitchfeast- no, he doesn't drink... he used to drink too much and stopped about 7 years ago although he acts like a 'dry drunk' sometimes...I think that's because he never got any help with why he drank too much. Even though the drinking has gone, the causes (he had a horrible upbringing) remain, causing the behaviour, in my opinion.

[ScareyBitchFeast]

i'm sorry for you, but no advice apart from tht

[mrshankly]

He can be a lazy shit. I was totally being a martyr. I was definitely screaming. I know my behaviour was pretty pissy too, it's the threat thing that I can't get past. OK, he stopped himself throwing the baby monitor at me and wasn't exactly busting a move towards actually harming me but I just worry about next time...

Custardo- Nice sentiment about 'fuck the housework' at the weekend but then I'm lumbered with it all on Monday and I don;t have family to help (doffs martyr hat)...I do have other interests and have am self employed so often also work when I'm not looking after kids. You're right about everything else tho

[Alambil]

the worst case for housework is tidying the entire weekends dishes and toys away; that would take what, an hour?

counselling is free on the NHS - see your GP about it asap.

Talk to your husband tomorrow, somewhere neutral, somewhere public to keep both your tempers in check. Take the kids to soft play or something so they're out of your hair

Tell him in no uncertain terms that the threat does NOT happen again. Tell him you'll get anger management and sort your issues out. Apologise for screaming at him and adding to the terror your DC felt.

I don't think this is the end of the road - yet - but leave it all unresolved and it will be.

[pinkyp]

My partner does the house work if i ask him too, it drives me mad that he doesnt do it off his own back BUT he doesnt care if i dont do it, he'd rather me spend time with my ds or doing whatever - he's just more laid back than me. Maybe ur dh has a similar view? might of wanted some time with dc2 then a bit of relaxing time on computer b4 u and dc1 got back?? He was very ott to threaten to kill you - that issue definately wants sorting!!

You said it was an on-going issue? seems to me like your sick of him not doing house work and he's sick of you telling him to do house work. Perhaps you could meet in the middle? When kids are in bed you both have half a hour quick tidy? or one of you puts kids to bed whilst other washes dishes?

[mrshankly]

LewisFan- you're right about the housework, it wouldn't take too long and it's not the most important thing in the world, to have a clean house. I had a screaming virago mother and fear I may be morphing into her... I can see all this intellectually, it's just very hard when you're stressed out and knackered (DC2 is up during night again for past few weeks). I'm considering your suggestion of anger management- I always think it's healthy to get angry rather than repress it and let it build but maybe I take this too far.

It still doesn't excuse his reaction though and the thought of seeing my DC freaked out like that again has shaken me so much that I want to ensure that we're never in that situation again.

[pinkyp]

p.s my partner often tells me on sunday to "leave the dishes" - i then think "great that'll be nice for ME to do to tomorrow" lol.

[Alambil]

It doesn't excuse it, no - not at all.

It is healthy to get angry rather than surpress it, but it's how you deal with the anger that is the issue I think. Screaming from another room is going to be louder than a raised voice in the same room, most of the time.

He shouldn't have threatened to kill you, nor should he have got ready to throw something at you.

This needs dealing with urgently - make or break IMVHO and if he won't deal with it, I'd have to seriously consider the relationship.