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another "my marriage has failed" thread. Help.

(13 Posts)
MavisGrind Sat 04-Oct-08 17:30:38

Dh came home from work yesterday and declared that he thought it was inevitable we'd split up. After much talk we agreed that things have not been good for a long time and that given different circumstances we probably would have split up a long time ago.

We have one ds age 2.4 and I'm 17 weeks pregnant.

He seems to think it's past fixing and although I don't think we've done enough to try I'm realistic enough to know that if he's made his decision I just have to think about what happens next.

I'm a sahm who, realistically given that I'm pregnant, won't be able to start working for approx a year. We jointly own our house.

What am I going to do? I'm worried about the financial future but worried too about what this means for me, ds and unborn dc. I never wanted to be a single parent and it looks like that's what I'm going to become.

I'm angry that he chose to drop this bombshell 10 days before I have important exams. I'm supposed to be revising and I just can't concentrate.

Can I have some positive stories please. I just feel like crap and can't have any wine!

mumoverseas Sat 04-Oct-08 17:46:48

I'm so sorry to read what has happened to you Mavis. I'm pregnant too, 19 weeks, and I can't imagine what I'd do if my husband did that to me. Probably get arrested for manslaughter I imagine!
First, I must say he is a complete bastard and a real shit for doing this to you now. that won't really help you though so I will try now to give some sensible and practical advice!
Have you thought about counselling/mediation?
I can't believe that things have been 'THAT' bad for so long, bearing in mind you are pregnant. You must have at least been a bit intimate in the not too distant past? Maybe he is a bit stressed about the new baby, and that has possibly made him come out with this nonsense? what do you want? Do you want to try to make the marriage work? If so, please suggest mediation/relate to him and see what happens.
With regard to finances, he will have to support you, DS and new baby. If you are not able to reach an agreement on child maintenance you will have to go via the CSA. They are supposed to be bringing in a new system this year, but as I understand it, the old system is still in effect. This basically is a flat rate which for 2 children is 20% of his net income (gross less tax, NI and pension contributions). This is just for the kids. Bearing in mind you cannot work and it is unrealistic to expect you to for some time, he should pay spousal maintenance to you (basically a form of maintenance payable to you, usually for a limited period of time until you can get back on your feet and back to work). I would say it is unrealistic to expect you to work for far longer than a year. Bearing in mind the cost of childcare for two children, it is probably more sensible financially for you to wait until DS is old enough to attend school. Perhaps in the meantime (after DC2 born) you could think about a part time re-training course to update skills or learn new ones? Obviously you and the children need to be housed and the responsibility for this is down to him. (child and spousal maintenance would obviously help towards your bills)
At the moment, whilst he is still at the house presumably he will continue paying the bills and provide housekeeping etc. should that change, you will need to see a solicitor immediately to sort out interim financial arrangements.
I do not think it appropriate to give you advice on divorce at this time, as it is very early days and it is still a possibility that he is just being a prat and this is his daft reaction to impending fatherhood. Please try and talk to him and persuade him to at least think about mediation. Even if you both decide it is over, the mediator(s) can help you reach important decisions regarding your future, the breakdown of your relationship, plans for the children and finances.
Good luck x

pinguthepenguin Sat 04-Oct-08 17:48:27

I think It's bloody shoddy that he's drop this on you when you're about to become parents again. Awful, awful timing and you have my sympathies. Is there nothing he is willing to try?

If its the practical side of things you're worrying about, then your best bet would be to vist citizens advice. I'm pretty sure though, that you'll be entitled to stay in the family home, and he will have to leave if that is his wish. He will of course have to support the children as well, and you'll be entitled to child tax credits. I'm a lone parent and it's hard, but manageable. I imagine though, that you cant think that far ahead just yet.

Feel for you sad

MavisGrind Sat 04-Oct-08 17:57:35

Thanks for the kind words. Things really have been difficult for some time, there is a real lack of intimacy in our relationship which was barely resurrected for the purposes of having another child. Looking at the situation now it seems it was perhaps an attempt to fix things but I'm not sure.

I'm sort of relieved that it's all been said and in my good moments I'm feeling positive about moving on amicably as parents to our children, just not together. However, I'm also feeling sick to my stomach about what the future holds.

If I'm honest I haven't been truly happy for years. I suppose this is forcing me to face up to it.

MavisGrind Sat 04-Oct-08 17:58:55

Oh, and he's already said he won't consider couselling. He's been seeing a therapist independantly and doesn't see that it will be any benefit to him.

I think he's already made up his mind.

Liffey Sat 04-Oct-08 18:07:59

Mavis, poor you. I knew in my heart that my marriage was over when I was nine weeks pregnant. Actually, I knew before I got prg, but that makes me sound an idiot I guess.

But I struggled on in denial for another two years. Probably because I couldn't cope with any upheaval or stress or planning or change at the same time as being pregnant. SO I really feel for you. I hope you get a lot of help. The timing is lousy and I can't imagine doing exams on top of being pregnant and planning a separation.

I think it is better to split now though. The longer you leave it the harder it'll be for your older child. And if you bring your younger child into the World knowing that you will be co-parenting apart, then I think it will be easier to take on board.

My split is now about 15 months behind me, and it was hard, I aint gonna lie! but I'm relieved, and I wish I'd done it sooner than I did do it.

I hope that helps. You sound quite strong in yourself, so I think it really will be a case of being strong, organised, getthing through a really hard year.

mumoverseas Sat 04-Oct-08 19:08:46

Well sadly if he won't attend counselling, there is not much you can do to persuade him therefore you have to do what is best for you and your children. would he not even attend mediation with a view to resolving some of the financial issues of the breakdown of your relationship? Far easier and cheaper than you both instructing solicitors and hopefully it will help reduce the animosity.
I've been divorced (although I've now remarried) and even though it was my decision to end my marriage it was hard at first but it was for the best and pretty soon I realised how much happier I was (with my two children) without him. I hope that you can get the support you need from friends and family and hopefully resolve things as amicably as possible.

Onlyjoking Sat 04-Oct-08 19:12:06

do you think he is saying this cos he is worrying about the responsibilty of another child?

MavisGrind Sat 04-Oct-08 19:14:53

Thanks, Liffey. Glad to hear you've got through it.

If only I could see what my life is going to be like in a year's time. We're supposed to be moving to Oz next Summer so all the uncertainty of not knowing what's going on is just really stressful (not the best thing at the moment). AND I've got the worst cold imaginable (almost man-flu infact) which isn't helping.

There has been no revising. Anyone know how I can learn all there is to know about child development and social psychology in the next 10 days??

MavisGrind Sat 04-Oct-08 19:19:15

OJ - he say's he's really pleased about the baby but insists that the relationship is bad and that no-one should stay together "for the sake of the children". I agree with him in principle but when I say we haven't tried he seems to think he has (although I see no evidence of that) and so that's that.

I feel like I've come in at the end of his deliberations and been presented with the inevitable without any input.

Onlyjoking Sat 04-Oct-08 19:27:15

sounds like there are huge communications ishoos, he says he has tried but you didn't notice so he either didn't put much effort in or you were asleep

MavisGrind Sat 04-Oct-08 19:36:28

Ah, sleep that would be a fine thing....(why do you have to have such a rubbish bladder during pregnancy hmm)

He actually can't tell me how he's made an effort but it just seems rubbish that we've gone from both-probably-realising-that-things-aren't-good to probably-going-to-split-up without much interim. He thinks it's ineveitable we split, so there doesn't seem to be much scope for working through issues.

I have said that we can't possible make a decision now, and that we have to explore every single avenue - esp as we have dc involved. He's away this evening (to top it all, this is my first full night away from ds) but will talk again tomorrow night.

notbeenaround Sun 05-Oct-08 15:38:54

So sorry to hear whats happening, went through a similar thing back end of last year. DH decided we weren't working out left my dd and I and started divorce proceedings, we did go to counselling to "help" with the break up and for dd however it did turn things around and we are back together and are pretty solid now.

We have learnt alot from counselling and even if your dh won't go to try and work things out what about suggesting going to help with the split. Its such a shame that he can't even begin to try to work things out though. Hope you are ok

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