(This will be long - apologies)
My mum sadly died 10 months ago and ever since my dad is just sinking deeper and deeper into alcoholism - tbh I think he's had a problem with alcohol since his teens/twenties but my mum always managed to keep a lid on it (of sorts, anyway - I remember many instances of him being drunk when I was still living at home).
Anyway, since her death he is just turning more and more into a sad old soak (he's not even really 'old' - just 61) and I just don't know how to handle it. When he came to stay with us at Easter he was secretly knocking back red wine before 9am on dd2's birthday , and I ended up confronting him about his drinking. Of course he promised to sort it out . Of course that just didn't happen.
He came on holiday to France with us in the summer, and it was just awful - he was drunk every single day, obviously starting in the mornings on several days. He went through phenomenal amounts of white wine and beer every day and was always very anxious to make sure we were fully stocked up on boxed wine whenever we went shopping.
He's not a loud or aggressive drunk - he just get sad, quiet, uncoordinated and his speech is slurred so it's not always completely straightforward to tell in the mornings. Some days it can be very obvious though.
His behaviour wasn't great - he's never been one to show much interest in the children (despite always issuing great proclamations of how they mean everything to him ). We ended up with a few unpleasant scenes - he shoved ds (4) out of the way roughly at a supermarket checkout and ds banged his head (my dad was drunk that morning), he'd eat sweets in the car, rustling with the wrapper and angrily telling ds, who naturally wanted to know what was being eaten, that it was 'nothing', that sort of thing.
We were immensely relieved when he went home (a few days before us) and I do feel angry that he spoilt our main family holiday to such an extent.
He lives in Germany and I'm in the UK so a lot of our contact is by phone - he sounds drunk every time I talk to him in the evening. He is due to come to ours at the end of November for ds's birthday and the anniversary of my mum's death, and I'm just dreading it.
Naturally he's also coming for Christmas which will no doubt be ruined by his drinking and dh not being able to cope with it. Dh has got very angry about it all (of course with me being on the receiving end) and basically wants me to ban my dad from coming unless he sorts himself out.
Unfortunately my dad sold the house my parents had been in for 30 years as quickly as possible after my mum's death and moved 400 miles away fom the area, to a city where he doesn't know anyone really, so he doesn't have any friends around to support him either. He's been tagging along on holiday with several other members of his family so far (no doubt making it fun for them, too).
He keeps fishing for an invitation to come here before ds's birthday, but tbh I just can't cope with it. It puts an immense strain on my marriage and feels like having another child to look after (he's the kind of house guest who can't do anything for himself). I will go and visit him some time before, but I really think he needs to stay at his new place for a reasonable amount of time for a change to actually meet some new people, rather than always running off and staying with family or going on holiday with them.
I just don't know how to handle him. I feel so sorry for him and am very worried, but I am dreading having him here.
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struggling to cope with my alcoholic dad :-(
18 replies
geekgirl · 04/10/2008 07:43
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