Really fed up with exdp

[Janna]

Hi

I posted on MN on Lone parents at christmas and I got a lot of supportive comments some of which have helped me to see how things really are between me and ex. I'm not sure how to do a link as I don't really post that often so to summerise briefly. Last year the day after mothers day I caught my then dp having a 'fling' with a 16 yr old schoolgirl (he's now 28) The lies and the way he treated me was unbelievable. I threw him out and he went to live with his mum. Since then he has kept me dangling, finishing me then coming round, wanting sex then he would dissapear. He dissapeared at christmas then went to a new years party with this 16 yr old leaving me on my own. Since then his cars been seen round hers. He snubbed me and the kids on his birthday last week and well the list is endless. He has kept saying he 'wants to take it slowly' but he never stays, never got me a valentines card, etc.

Anyway I've been getting really fed up with the whole situation and although I love him I've decided as best as i can to try and move on. I've got a bunch of really good mates that I've been getting close too since last year and i've started going out on a saturday night with them when I'm off and when he has the kids at his. Last sat I did this. I went out, I did my hair, bought a jacket and for once I felt really good about myself. I had a snog in a club i went to and i felt myself again, not just plain old Janna mum of 2 slightly overweight. I also bought myself a new phone and didn't tell him partly because i didn't want to hurt his feelings as he bought me my other one and partly because I thought well why should I tell him. To cut along story short he's found out about the snog and the phone and phoned me tonight and wiped the floor with me. He told me 'if I've got so much money to spend on a monthly contract then I could pay the mortgage, council tax, tv liscence etc all myself plus pay 4 the kids too as he had had it with me. He's always promised in the past to pay this even tho he feels 'he could never come home' although I have asked him many times.
I can't understand exactly what he wants from me. He refuses point blank to be a proper family yet he comes round for a kiss and a cuddle when it suits. I then find out little bits of info linking him and her still and more lies. When I try and get on with life its wrong in his eyes. I've also been getting quite close to a lad I work with. Nothings happened but again he makes me feel like I'm somebody which is more than ex has done for the past year.
Thanks for reading don't expect anyone to reply really i just needed to sound off

Thanks again.

[ponygirl]

Got to be quick, Janna, as I have to collect dd from pre-school, but wanted you to know I was listening! This guy of yours sounds worthless. It sounds like he's been getting it all his own way since you threw him out: he has a 16 year old on tap and you waiting for him whenever he wants it. He has no business telling you what to do with your free time - tell him where to get off. And he has responsibilities to your children which he can't shirk.

Sorry if this sounds harsh - I'm in a rush, otherwise I'd be more diplomatic! Honestly, you don't need this guy. You have a life, you have friends and there are other guys out there who will treat you much better. Move on!

[breeze]

Janna,

I agree he sounds totally worthless, he is keeping you dangling and moving between you and this 16 year old.

He betrayed you and you kicked him out, you have every right to get on with it and move on.

It seems to me that he knows exactly how to push your buttons, be strong and avoid any affectionate moments. Its the classic case of doesn't want you, but doesn't like the thought of anyone else with you. It is his problem. He chose to cheat, he's not worth a nut IMO.

I hope you find someone to make you happy, and its not him.

As for the not paying, hopefully he will come to his senses, but if he doesn't then there are other avenues to go down.

Good Luck

[Janna]

Thanks breeze and Ponygirl for taking the time to reply. I know your right.
He has tried to ring me a few times and come round acting completely normal which I find weird. I've told him no don't want to see him until sat when he babysits so i can work.I also suspect he's been giving me dodgy call too. Lots of withelds and no one there which only started happening after he got the no of my new phone.
I'm angry with him now which is a good sign!!!

Thanks again

[ponygirl]

Good luck to you, Janna!

[fanta]

I am sorry if I sound a bit jaded and bitter but having just gone through a divorce from a cheating bully, I can tell you the best thing I ever did was to say STOP and move on. This guy sounds awful, I feel he uses you as his security blanket as and when he needs it. It is the hardest thing to extract yourself from a difficult situation and stop feeling responsible for your ex but the quicker you do the more confidence you will regain in yourself. Be strong and focused only on yourself and the kids, organise mediation sessions to have a solid plan of action between him and you so that he does not walk in your life anytime he fancies.
Good luck, I feel for you.

[breeze]

Janna, have you tried talking to your phone operator, I am sure there is something that they can do so only numbered calls can come through and people that withheld don't get through.

[munnzieb]

I don't quite know ur back ground but have to add my two pennith,

a) what is a man with two kids of 28 doing hanging around with a 16 yr old??? (sorry I know blunt but hell why??)
b) he's manipulating u, and keeping you dangling as u say - this isn't fair, u deserve better than him, so kick his butt to the kirb hon, (even if it does mean doing things alone for the minute)
c) contact a solicitor and sort out all finacial affairs etc.. so he see's that ur not a push over ur not going to give in and do as he says, and basically you don't need him,

I know that sounds harsh but well come on girl! lol, u can do this, you've already thrown him out, now just a bit more for the final stand. Don't let him do this to you, why shouldbn't you go out and have a good time/ snog a man if you felt like it (it's not like you have a different man home every night, and not saying you would but hell what's it to do with him hon!)

in short, keep true to your self. and be happy, try to move on and forget about this chap. (don't mean to sound harsh there so sorry if I do, but what a bloody cheek of him not willing to pay for his own children, sounds like he want's his ckae and eat it)

[Janna]

Thanks for your replies again.
Fanta I like the idea of mediation. I'll try and find out in the week what that entails and i think you've hit the nail on the head when you say 'he uses me as his security blanket when he feels like it'.

Breeze. Strangely enough the dodgy calls have stopped and that was after I tackled him about and said if the call didn't stop I was thinking about contacting the phone co and seeing what they can do. I that was a bit of a coincidence!

Munnzieb. I thought maybe I was the one in the wrong and i felt guilty about snogging somebody else until I read your post and thought 'yeah why shouldn't I do that when he's treated me like shit for the past year.
He's lost a lot of respect from hisfriends over his involvement with this girl and at work to as she used to work with him but was moved to a different centre just before all this started so everyone at work knows him, her and me too and they've all took my side which is a great comfort .
He's come round, just turned up out of the blue to say hello acting normal. v weird I can't b arsed anymore with him. Anyway gonna go. My littleones are ill, nice start to mothers day lol
Thank again