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what happens in a womens refuge?

(81 Posts)
fairy15 Fri 03-Oct-08 15:31:12

whats it like? & do i need to take anything? do i need money? thats about it really. thanx any answers wold be great.

norksinmywaistband Fri 03-Oct-08 15:43:31

Are you Ok fairy?
Imo just take what you can carry and if possible get as much paperwork as you can ie birth certs, driving licence, passports, bank details.

sweetcat Fri 03-Oct-08 15:51:38

Hope you are OK Fairy.

Take essentials only, like Norks said, paperwork etc. They should have a store of clothes if you won't be able to carry much stuff although it may help you settle in if you have your own stuff IYSWIM.

They will be able to help if you claim benefits i.e. changing details, emergency claims etc but probably won't be able to give you money.

My experience in one was a welcome relief and they helped me immensely to get back on my feet.

Take care, wishing you strength.

fairy15 Fri 03-Oct-08 15:55:21

thanx for relpying. my partner has been violent to me on & off for nearly 4 years, never hitting me but pushing, holding me by the neck & i've had enough. i don't have any family near me who i can go to so spoke to the helpline today & they said they could get me into a womens refuge but i feel like i can't just go, i need to get bits ready & find the paperwork stuff. i just don't know what to take & what its like etc... think i have finally admitted to myself so am panicking abit. i know i can live without him but i suppose its a change & i just don't know what to expect.

fairy15 Fri 03-Oct-08 15:57:01

how do you get by if you have no money? i will have some but am worried about the boys food etc..

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 03-Oct-08 15:58:45

Hi Fairy

I took my 3 children and fled to a women's refuge last year. They are fantastic.
Some women turn up with just the clothes they are standing in, others manage (like me) to bring more stuff, but it was only mine and the kids' clothes and their favourite toys - the older 2 had their nintendo DS etc.

Bring, as Norks says, as much paperwork as you can, and obviously if you have any money that's great but if not they will help you out with benefits as soon as you get there, emergency loans etc.

It's really nothing to be scared of...the refuge I was in was really good, it was divided into self contained flats so we had our own kitchen, shower room and bedroom/living room/dining room. Some refuges are more communal, where you have your own room but share kitchens/bathrooms.

Each woman had their daily jobs to do ona rota...things like sweeping floors, mopping, dusting etc, but it literally took ten mins and then the time is yours. They will arrange for the kids (if applicable) to go to a local school, will help you register with local drs, they will arrange counselling if you want it...they really do bend over backwards and despite there being a lot of tragic stories in refuges, there is a lot of laughter too.

I hope you're ok and find the strength you need.

lilacclaire Fri 03-Oct-08 16:00:09

Get your stuff ready and get as much money together as possible, no real advice sorry, just felt had to respond, your doing the right thing. Good luck x

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 03-Oct-08 16:01:56

Fairy..please don't worry about managing financially. They will make sure you get everything you are entitled to and quickly. It was the best thing I could have done for me and the kids. Although I initially went back to my H after my time in the refuge, I realised it wasn't going to work and being in there had given me the strength to realise I could stand on my own 2 feet, and I would survive and that the help is there if you need it.
Good luck

sweetcat Fri 03-Oct-08 16:02:01

Good for you for getting the courage to contact them and make a change to your life. I found helpful, sympathetic women who were there for me when I needed it most.

And of course you can live without him, you just need to prove it to yourself. Hopefully they will help you realise it. Everyone there will understand what you have been going through.
I found it a little difficult sharing rooms and facilities but hey, bloody better than my situation was at home. And actually the companionship helped once I adjusted.

NotCod Fri 03-Oct-08 16:02:34

i went to one the other day to give a TV

it was really nice tbh! and very welcoming

fairy15 Fri 03-Oct-08 20:44:58

thanx everyone. i'm going to get my bits together over the next week & get things ready & then go. my boys are my world & they are the most important things to me & i want them growing up in a good place & although they have never seen anything last night he got very loud & i'm sure the boys must have heard & i don't want that.

threetinytots Fri 03-Oct-08 21:06:01

fairy, <<<<hugs>>>>> for you and your boys xxxx.

Whatever I can do to help, I'm here - albeit on the end of a computer or phone!

You are doing what is absolutely right for you and the boys and you're a fantastic mummy.

So sorry I'm so far away otherwise you could come and stay with me. smile

Proud that you have found the strength and courage to confront it and make the decision to go. You can absolutely manage very well on your own.

fairy15 Fri 03-Oct-08 21:20:11

thanx Em that means a lot. It's so scary but I'm sure within a few weeks I'll wonder why I was scared, fingers crossed anyway!

Hassled Fri 03-Oct-08 21:24:09

Fairy - good luck. You will be fine

One thing that's bothering me though is that your not-Dp will find this thread - you will make very sure you log out of MN, won't you? And post on the Geeky Stuff bit if you want to delete this from your computer's history if you need help with that.

fryalot Fri 03-Oct-08 21:28:54

fairy, well done for taking this step, it is HUGE! you are very brave smile

If you have someone you can trust (trust 100%, totally trust I mean) give them bits of paperwork over the next few days and ask them to keep them safe for you till you ask for them.

Give them the kids' passports and birth certificates, your passport and birth certificate, details of any bank accounts you have, driving license, anything like that.

You could also give them a few sets of clothes or toys for each of you so when you leave, you just go without thinking about anything, because your friend has everything you will need.

If you don't have anyone, don't worry, squirrel the paperwork away in your handbag or somewhere and don't worry about the rest, it is all replaceable. You and your children are not.

Keep strong, never forget that you are doing the right thing, the only thing that you can do for you and your kids.

Good luck

threetinytots Fri 03-Oct-08 21:29:47

I know you must be really scared. You are going to do something that is going to change your life - but for the better smile. It might take a while for you to get sorted but you are going to the right place and I'm sure there will be loads of help and support for you.

fairy15 Fri 03-Oct-08 21:48:33

meeting up with a friend tomorrow & she is going to take my paperwork for me. I keep coming out of this section & just go on the pushchairs threads , he doesn't know his way around mn.
His now saying that I'm being stuburn because I've said I don't want to stay with him. Have told him since last night that it is over but he won't accept it. This is why I think the only solution is to go without him knowing but I don't want to take the boys away & have said to him if we can work it out & part nicely I would be happy to stay in our area so he can see the boys. His just said that he doesn't want to lose the house so I can live here but not sure if I should belive him or not.

fryalot Fri 03-Oct-08 21:50:50

If he is or has been violent towards you, then it is highly likely he will be again, whether you are together or not.

If he is or has been controlling and abusive towards you, it is highly likely he will be again, whether you are together or not.

If you are at all worried for your safety, you should leave and take the kids somewhere he can't find you.

PurpleOne Fri 03-Oct-08 23:14:33

Take all paperwork, bank cards, marriage cert if you have one. Bills in your name, shared names, account numbers.

Glad your friend is helping you out by hiding stuff.

Please make sure he knows nothing about what you're doing. Just keep planning in your head. It's a proven fact that violence escalates if the man is aware that he is losing control. He won't change, no matter the promises to change, anger management, couple counselling.

You are doing the right things and wishing you all the best. Keep looking forward to your new positive future with your children.
Don't worry about benefits, the refuge will help you when you get there.
Although, if you can snaffle away a few quid here and there, it all helps you.

Blessings x

fairy15 Sat 04-Oct-08 07:27:41

thanx everyone for your kind words. was up most of the night going through things in my head of what i will need etc.. do they have cots at the refuge?
my sister is going to come down with her dp & a van so i can take more of our bits & wants us to stay with her but i think this is the first place he would look so i'm not sure as i was going to stay in a refuge nearish to her. sounds stupid but am i legeally allowed to tak things from the house like one of the tv, hoover etc.. just want as much stuff so i have it when they find me a place.

fryalot Sat 04-Oct-08 08:21:07

the house, and its contents are half yours and half his, assuming that you bought them together or bought them as a family.

So, if you want to take a TV for the amusement of the children, then it is your right to do so.

I would hesitate to say that you should clear the entire house out of contents, but even if you did I'm not sure there would be any comeback.

If you are worried that he will try to hunt you down then you should not go anywhere that he can think of finding you.

fairy15 Sat 04-Oct-08 14:31:31

thanx squonk. i'm only planning on taking some bits although if i had a lorry i would be tempted to take a bit more!
i'm going to be staying somewhere else which he does'nt know about now for a few days after i leave my home.
i feel so sick everytime i think about the whole situation & can't stop crying. can't wait till its all over with. his starting a new job in a weeks time so need to wait for him to do that but now his saying whts the point if i'm leaving him.

fryalot Sat 04-Oct-08 14:33:31

don't tell him you are leaving him.

If it is possible for you to split up without him kicking off, ask him to leave. If you are worried about what he will do, you must NOT tell him you are planning on going.


memoo Sat 04-Oct-08 15:02:13

agree with squonk what ever you do don't tell him you are going.

Where abouts are you? I know I have never spoken to you before but I have been in your situation and if there is anything I can do to help you please let me know.

I would come and get you and take you to refuge if you're near enough, I have a big estate car we could get loads of stuff in.

fairy15 Sat 04-Oct-08 16:22:19

thanx soooooo much memoo. i'm in suffolk. everyone has been so kind i really appreciate it. not sure what to do, should i carry on telling him i don't want to be with him & take the chance of him not bothering going to work & me not being able to get the chance to get everything i need with him gone or should i pretend to give it another go & act normal? really don't know what to do.

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