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so how exactly do you get over someone you love?

(16 Posts)
ratbunny Wed 01-Oct-08 21:44:44

basically xh had an affair, dilly dallied about whether he wanted to come back etc etc etc he has been a total arse
but I still love him! I love who he WAS and who he can be, and really want him to want to work this relationshp out as much as I do.
But really I know that he doesnt want me
So how on earth do I get over that? I keep hoping, thinking we can work it out, but I KNOW he doesnt want that. how can I stop?

trumpetgirl Wed 01-Oct-08 22:22:29

You can't really 'stop'. That takes time. But in the mean time you need to consider a few things and think about whether you really want him back.
1. He cheated on you. How could you ever trust him again after that?
2. You say he 'dilly dallied around'. You are worth so much more than that. Why would you want someone who can't even decide if he wants you or not?
3. You say you love who he was and who he can be. If he is not that person, then you are in love with a fantasy, and going to be disappointed with whatever you get from him anyway.
I have never been married and can't imagine how incredibly hard this must be for you.
I think you need to keep as much distance between you as possible to move on with your life. Try doing something new, and filling your life with things you enjoy. Maybe, sometime in the future you will meet someone new.
Hope things get better soon

Simplysally Wed 01-Oct-08 22:26:40

Take it one day at a time, get rid of stuff that reminds you of him and try to find a new occupation/hobby/interest to fill the gap. It does get easier until one day you won't think of him at all or very rarely. You might want to think about some form of counselling if you are really strgugling but that can be expensive (sadly). Good luck.

WhirlingStirling Wed 01-Oct-08 22:44:35

Hi RB - Stirling here!

So sorry this is happening. As you know my h is dilly-dallying also. It is a difficult situation, especially as there is that gorgeous ds involved.

It is easier when you are younger and there are no dc involved. You can walk away from someone, even when your heart is breaking and throw yourself into something/someone new and try to forget about them. But once dc are on the scene, you have to keep in contact and that is like rubbing salt in the wound.

It is a difficult one, but maybe the only way to see if he still wants to be with you at all is to be totally cold with him. Make out you have a full and happy life without him and see if he bites. They usually want something they cant have.

If that doesn't bother him, then have a really good cry and look for someone new.

You are a strong and lovely lady. I dont believe he deserves you. smile

ratbunny Wed 01-Oct-08 23:14:05

thanks stirling! our xh's are rubbish arent they!
well, I am having counselling on fri - I am going to ask him to help me let go of xh. but deep down, I dont want that! arrrggghhh!
this is very hard
I know I need to put distance between me and him, but I really dont want to, as I just want to see him.

elastamum Wed 01-Oct-08 23:32:31

Hi RB, I have also just lost hopeless h soon to be x. It is really hard because like you I cant reconcile the person I though I was married to and who I loved with the behaviour of the person they seem to have become. Last week I told H that I didnt feel I knew him anymore as his behaviour towards me was so awful. I dont know what the answer is or if there is one even, i just put one foot in front of the other and get through each day best as I can on my own with the kids. I dont want to let go either as I feel I am letting go of my life as it has been for so long. so I just keep going as I know deep down there is no going back and one day i will wake up and will start to feel better.
Sending you lots of hugs, be

Kewclotter Wed 01-Oct-08 23:42:46

"I love who he WAS and who he can be" but you don;t lovewho he is and hemay be the person he is for the rest of his life.

Besides to be blint - if he doesn;twant to make it work, it isn;tgoing to.

You don't get over someone you love. You get on with live and do the best you can and one day you realise that you don't feel so bad all the time, then a little while later you relise you actually are quite content sometimes and then one day you see him and think "what an arse".

jawjawnotwarwar Wed 01-Oct-08 23:48:15

You distract yourself with something/someone new!

elastamum Wed 01-Oct-08 23:49:45

Well said KC. My H helps me loads by behaving like an arse!!!!

elastamum Wed 01-Oct-08 23:50:37

Not sure about the someone new, think you have to make peace with yourself before you can move on and be really happy

Kewclotter Thu 02-Oct-08 00:00:08

that mindblowing moment - elastamum when the light dawns and you really genuinely think for the first time "what an arse" is very liberating, dontcha think? grin

Afterwards you really do think of how they behaved and think "what exactly did I find so lovely about that?!"

I too don;t really move on to another until the previous is well sorted in my mind - on rare occasionas when I haven;t it has inevitably caused a problme.

Moving onto something new is a greta help - venign classes, execise, anything new that you don;t associate with them is great. Would advise against prone position 22 rifle shooting though - too tempting.

HappyWoman Thu 02-Oct-08 09:16:03

It is a grieving process for the life you thought you would have.

I actually think it is worse than if they died - at least then you could remember the good bits without the anger.

I still grieve for the marriage i thought i had and my h is still here doing all he can to rebuild it again after destroying it all. So it is not easy whatever road you take.

If you feel like crying then do - i read a great book that said actually give yourself a set time to do that and almost make yourself feel awful - slowly over time you will notice that you do not need to do this as much and you will have done all your crying. But there is no rush and it is ok to wallow for a while - you will come out of it and move on so dont fight it too soon.

I too have found new things just for me - and it does help - yes i am still with my h but it is actually a new relationship now one i am by my choice not his as to whether he wants me or not. It is empowering to know this now.

Good luck to all of you and take care of you now. You are worth it.

ratbunny Thu 02-Oct-08 09:20:37

thanks everyone for your replies
my real problem is that I dont believe its over iykwim. the person he WAS wouldnt have given up without a fight, woudlnt have walked out on his family. I just keep thinking - if I do this or that, then he will realise what he is missing and will want to come back. everytime the phone goes, I think - is it xh? and so on.
I KNOW that wont happen, but just cant accept it.

solidgoldbrass Thu 02-Oct-08 09:27:40

Sorry ratbunny but he's not coming back. The best thing to do is 'fake it till you make it' - ie treat him as an XP and be civil but distant when you have to speak to him with regard to the DC or your living arrangements. Don't ask him to come to counselling with you or beg him to work on your relationship. HE DOESN:T WANT TO so there is nothing you can do and there is nothing more sickening, demoralising and unhealthy than trying to make another person stay in a relationship with you. COunselling for you is not a bad idea, a counsellor may well be able to help you through the process.
Good luck. Every day will get a little easier.

Daisypops Thu 02-Oct-08 09:28:58

Hi ratbunny, I too am going thru this. My ex DP had texts on his phone from other women, I threw him out and then he spent 3 weeks deciding whether he wants me or not, he decided not, although the 4 weeks isn't up until next Friday. Its horrendous and its a grieving process. I actually agree with happywoman who said its worse than someone dying because you know they'll go out and get someone else and you have so many obstacles and emotions to contend with over the years to come. I think you've got to try and keep yourself busy, but allow yourself to grieve, cry get angry etc. Its a process your feelings will change my the minute, mine do, I'm exhausted with it all but I just think if he doesn't want me I'm not wasting my time wanting him. I watched a film the other day and it said, 'if you want to know if someone is yours, release them, if they come back to you they'll be yours forever if they don't they were never yours to start with' Cheesy but it helped me. xxx

Daisypops Fri 03-Oct-08 09:41:45

How are you doing ratbunny?

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