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How do I deal with this?

(9 Posts)
PussinJimmyChoos Wed 01-Oct-08 19:26:19

DH's mum is dying of cancer. He flew out to be with her on Sunday. I didn't go because I KNEW DH just didn't want me there although he did lamely say you can come if you want.

I've been very strong, encouraged him to go etc despite feeling very rejected (there has been a lot of bad feeling in the past with his family as due to his mum, when we first got married, I was kept a secret for about 5 years and I was not allowed to go with him and he had to go alone. This brings back a lot of memories, however hard I try not to let them surface).

However, since he's been there, I've hardly heard from him and don't even know what is going on with his mum, except that she 'is a bit yellow'. Now, I'm totally sympathetic to the situation with his mum and do not expect epic e-mails or whatever. But, at the moment, she is still doing quite well, walking, talking etc and yet I barely get anything from DH beyond the hope all ok with you guys text. No how is DS, is he sleeping/eating ok or whatever. I'm deaf and so we can't talk on the phone, so I don't feel that one text a day to update me is too much to ask for at the moment (when things get worse, I don't expect anything from him at all)

The result of this is that I feel as if any text I send is just intrusive and so I've been sending back brief oh we are fine, you go and spend time with your mum type variety. I never text him first and just let him make the first move, even though it kills me.

I'm worried that as I'm usually a very texty and bubbly person on the text, he will see this as me being pissy and accuse me of not supporting him during this time. In the past, when he went on his own, we used to communicate via fax but when he came back, all he did was moan about how he never used to know what to write and how much of a pita it was to do. So, what do I do? I'm really upset, have been crying, feeling very excluded and rejected.

I am aware that this is NOT about me, his mum is the focus but I would just like a little more contact...

What do you think of this and how I deal with it?

Tortington Wed 01-Oct-08 19:32:20

maybe you should write him some e-mails about whats going on on a daily basis.

preface this with - i know things are really hard for you at the mo, and i know you dont like writing. but this is my way of trying to keep things as normal as possible for you - to support you and give you some relief. lets say that e-mails are seperate - ad that if you need me i am there at the end of a text.

then launch into your day.

if you are anything like me - the process of writing things down in itself must be cathartic. and you can send them to him - he can rea them - or not - but without any pressure as he prob has a lot to deal with - but then you have done your supporting bit - and told him about your day.

what say you?

scorpio1 Wed 01-Oct-08 19:32:49

My Nan (maternal) died of cancer in April sad, 350 miles away from where we live. My dad drove my mum through the night to get there. Since talking about nan's death after, Dad said to me how Mum just had to be left for those 2 days, apparently she didnt talk much, eat, anything - and he was there with her.

I think that, in a situation like this, some will need constant contact with loved ones, others retreat, y'know?

Sorry that you are upset too. It's so hard.

Portofino Wed 01-Oct-08 19:34:06

This must be a really difficult and strange time for your DH so I would try to cut him a bit of slack I think. Men are generally crap at communications anyway in my experience. Can you keep him updated with how you all are and say you're there for him if he needs some support? Then say you're worried about him (and his mum) as you haven't heard much?

Flossish Wed 01-Oct-08 19:35:06

Dp is usually like this when he goes away. I think it is partly a male thing TBH. I'm not always sure they are good at the empathy skill.

If your MIL has cancer and is jaundiced chances are it is quite a nasty cancer and she may deteriate quite quickly. Just to warn you. He may know more of this than he is letting on to you, and perhaps on some level this could explain why he is being so detached? perhaps he feels a little like he is betraying you also but he needs to be with his mother at this time.

i don't think a text saying you are feeling you have insufficient contact needs to be an issue. is there a problem with time differences?

Flossish Wed 01-Oct-08 19:36:03

actually what custardo said is probably better! smile

PussinJimmyChoos Wed 01-Oct-08 19:39:43

Its only two hours ahead. My thinking is that in the last minutes before he goes to bed, a text would be nice or first thing when he wakes up. The thing is, I know DH, he will use any excuse to get out of contacting people even when nothing is wrong iyswim?

It just hurts so much because I know he didn't want me there so I feel useless and not part of the family and I feel awful for admitting this, but its just making me angry sad

I think an e-mail would be good idea. He's got access to e-mail where his staying but I haven't heard from him via mail either. Its hard as given my deafness, I do rely on texting/e-mail more than most to keep updated with things and I would expect him to realise that....I don't want war and peace, just an update now and then


PussinJimmyChoos Wed 01-Oct-08 19:52:17

Custy - you get the shiny trophy! I liked what you said so much I actually cut and pasted it into an e-mail and then just proceeded to tell DH about what I've been up to so far... least I've done my bit...bloody hell though, another three weeks of this..<head explodes>

Tortington Wed 01-Oct-08 23:07:57

yay - <grabs trophy and runzzzz.>

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