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Am I being unreasonable....

(14 Posts)
newdad2 Wed 01-Oct-08 17:46:20 expect my MIL to agree to a stair gate? She seems dead set against it. I apologise for the long entry but I am so upset because of the knock on affect this has. She maintains that absolute vigilance and training my 16 month old boy will be enough to prevent an accident. He is climbing all over the place. At home there are stair gates for the kitchen, bottom and top of the stairs. My MIL has compromised with one at the kitchen/ dine because her own daughter, my wife, received a nasty scald all down her neck when she was a toddler. When her other grandson (my sister in laws boy) was a toddler there were stair gates in the house. I am getting really frustrated because I want to send LO to nursery and the best one is nearest my MIL. It would be ideal for him to be collected and taken to MIL house where I can pick him up after work. I am a stay at home dad and really desperate to get back to work but sorting out these childcare issues are posing a real problem. It will mean sending him to a second/ third choice nursery instead and puts much more pressure on my own mum to collect him and take him to the safer environment of my house. I am in counseling due to stress and I really don't need this. My wife gets through to her mum by being aggressive towards her and she has a reputation for this. But it seems to me that the obvious common sense of health and safety, risk assessment etc route I have taken is getting me nowhere. To top it all my MIL is a personal carer to the elderly. You would think she would bloody well understand!!!!!! I really need some advice/ support from anyone out there PLEASE!

southeastastra Wed 01-Oct-08 17:48:49

you can get portable stair gates that leave no mark and you can take it down easily. would she agree to that do you think?

kormachameleon Wed 01-Oct-08 17:49:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peanutbutterjelly Wed 01-Oct-08 17:49:21

YANBU!! Dont ever listen to MIL! It's not her child!! I support you 100%!!!

Freckle Wed 01-Oct-08 17:50:21

How does MIL feel about collecting your ds and having him after nursery? Is it something that she really wants to do and is looking forward to spending time with her grandson? If yes, then point out to her that this won't happen unless she takes your and your wife's concerns over safety seriously.

If she really wants to have care of him, she has to accept your conditions.

sclubheaven Wed 01-Oct-08 17:54:31

Some people do feel like your MIL and don't "do" stairgates. I wasn't one of them - too wussy smile

I would say that if you trust her 100% with the vigilance and training that she claims will be enough, then you should let it go, as after all it's her house, and you can't insist she has one up.

Why is she refusing, considering that she had them for her other grandchild?

amicissima Wed 01-Oct-08 18:00:15

Vigilance could be better than relying on a stairgate. The first time DS gave ours a shake there was a mighty crash as the gate and two large chunks of wall went down the stairs (fortunately DS had let go and remained at the top, fascinated).
I've not had much faith in stairgates since.

cluckyagain Wed 01-Oct-08 18:02:57

New dad - if your ML is going to be happy to look after ds carefully and with lots of vigilance, I wouldn't worry. Lots of people don;t have them but just keep an eye out more - I couldn' have done it but there you go - her house after all.

compo Wed 01-Oct-08 18:04:29

I don't think it's fair to ask someone else to put up a stairgate
If you don't like how she looks after your child then you can't ask her I'm afraid
we never used stairgates either

newdad2 Wed 01-Oct-08 19:43:29

Hi all. Thanks for your input.

A few things:
1. Yes it is her house and I cannot force her to do something she does not want to do.
2. Lo has been half way up the stairs before anyone stopped him. This has happened on more than one occasion.
3. My FIL is 84. Maybe she's worried about him tripping???
4. LO has started his 'running before he can walk' safely stage consequently bumps and bruises. He is very quick.
5. Maybe I should talk to my SIL.

Bed time routine now. All I can say is a sincere thank you to everyone. Please look in and post comments. I will keep you updated. It's still frustrating.


thebutlerdidit Wed 01-Oct-08 20:14:25

If you think that she will be vigilant then I wouldn't worry. Your ds is already 16 months so the stairgates would be coming off in a few months anyway. Even the manufactures only recommend them up to 24 months. At 16 months it should be quite easy to 'train' him.

newdad2 Mon 06-Oct-08 14:20:25

Rang a couple of the manufacturers eg Lindam and yes up to 24 months after which they advise 'parental supervision' since children can work out how to open the stair gate or climb. Then it's up to us as parents/ carers to decide when a child is ready to use the stairs safely.

Cluckagain- You are right since she is agreeing to look after him I cannot force her to do something she doesn't want to do. Therefore I looked after him at my house all week. MIL and FIL did not see him until weekend when DW and me were around to supervise. Normally he spends a night there in the week. My DW explained in her own particular way to her mum her views about the stair gate issue. I think that helped.

However, since posting last time my MIL has said she will put up a stair gate at the bottom of the stairs. Phew. On my way to 1st choice nursery to register.

hecate Mon 06-Oct-08 14:26:22

I think that if you are not happy with it, then you have no choice but to make alternative arrangements. You can't tell her she must have a stairgate so she can do you the favour of having your child. If she doesn't want to, and like you say - her house so up to her - then you have the choice to say "well, in that case we'll have to make other arrangements. Thanks for being willing to have him, but I am sure you understand our concerns." If you are worried about his safety, then you'll have to compromise by sending him to a different nursery.

hecate Mon 06-Oct-08 14:27:00

oh, x-post! Excellent. glad it worked out for you.

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