Parents in Law - they're not bad, just ANNOYING!!!

[farrah]

OK, I think I just need to vent here.

The background is that having been with my partner for 10years (married 1), my PIL never liked me and would refuse to meet me (I am muslim and he is hindu and they had to move from Pakistan to Spain because of Muslims, for which I am obviously personally responsible). I've never quite got over this and then to make it worse, they are not all that nice people. Comments from her in the past have included 'Farrah's friends are half this and half that and then they marry white people (!!!)' , 'Your hair doesn't look nice like that, why don't you straighten it', 'why do you have no relatives coming to the wedding, don't they care?' etc. etc. not withstanding the whole 'you should be a lot thinner / prettier' thing.

Sooo... although am going to Gran Canaria to see them, I wanted to stay in a hotel, so we're not with them 24/7. Yesterday, DH's parents called and had a huge go at us for not wanting to stay in their house and said that we're deeply offending them and I don't think their place is good enough (!) etc. When I stayed before (before we were married) I wasn't allowed to darken the doors, so it seems so hypocritical that now we're going to pretend that they've always liked me. I am a grudge bearer, I'm afraid.

And also, being pregnant, I feel queasy and need to go to the loo lots etc. and I just don't feel comfortable doing that in their house. It's a tiny flat and you can hear everything that goes on in one room to another.

They make everything into such a big thing - all I wanted was some privacy! Am I over-reacting? I should be grateful for all the good things in my life, I know...

Need some guidance - am probably being unreasonable, so just tell em so gently if that's the case.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Is your H aware of this phone call and what they said during it?.

No you are not being unreasonable at all and your H needs to show you that his primary loyalty is to you.

How does your H get along with his parents, he needs to speak to them (and not bury his head in the sand like some men do in these situations).

You may also want to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

[fircone]

I'd just get your dh to ring them and frankly explain that due to your volume of loo trips you'd feel more comfortable in a hotel as you wouldn't want to be inconveniencing them by hogging the bathroom constantly.

That seems an honest and polite excuse which should mollify them.

You only need to read 1,001 other threads to know that many, many of us suffer from awful in-laws. I nominate mine as the pair "least interested in their grandchildren".

You have to develop a rictus grin and then come and vent on MN!

[farrah]

Thanks guys; I think I just needed a rant. Am sure there are worse PIL out there.

DH does support me, would definitely take my side over theirs any day of any week, which is why we see them so little. (Although a little bit of a headbury-er, Atilla!)

Ugh, it's this whole 'but these are my baby's grandparents' thing kicking in. They'll get you that way. Am sure I was harder before I got pregnant - have become a ball of mush over these last few weeks.

p.s. am practising the rictus grin, fircone - does it look convincing?!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

There may be worse PIL's out there certainly but these people have not treated you with any real show of decency to date have they?.

One good thing is that your DH does support you in all this. Your DH though needs to get head out of sand and to tell them that any ill treatment of you or snide comments will not be tolerated.

[2rebecca]

That's more than annoying. Get husband to stick up for you, stick with the hotel plan and just grit your teeth and get through it.
Try and plan some day trips for just the 2 of you whilst you're out there.
If they continue to moan about you not staying with them I'd mention pregnancy and the fact that before they didn't want you staying there or meeting them and you are taking things slowly to try and build a relationship. Why not tell the truth?

[farrah]

I think you're right girls. Am booking hotel and will have a lovely weekend planning day trips for my holiday (that's what it's meant to be, right?)

I and DH have told them about the whole 'you rejected me for 9 years, it's gonna take a little TIME to build this up', but they're of the 'we've accepted you now, what's your problem??' ilk.

Hey-ho, will sort it out there. At least I know DH will always put my interests first, so can always sneak off if it gets too much!

Thank you for being there - it just helps to have a bit of grrrr-time, you know?