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My mum is 51 marrying a 28 year old??

(35 Posts)
cantpickyourfamily Wed 01-Oct-08 11:48:29

My mums partner recently told her he wanted to have kids so could no longer be with her, then after being upset for a week he has asked her to marry him.

I think it is a stupid idea and I feel they are not on the same wavelength at all.

My dd is 14months and I took her to my mums one day last week at 10am and her partner was already smoking a spliff. My mum was meant to look after dd that day as I had to work so I had to leave her there feeling really annoyed about it all day.

This has happened before and when I speak to my mum she says he will not smoke it infrount of dd. But he has smoked it in the car before collecting dd from my house. I do not smoke it atall, and I would never expose dd to the smell of it.

When I bring it up infrount of my mums partner she tries to brush it under the carpet.

She just told me she is getting married so I told her if she wants to see dd she can come to my house but dd will not be in her house again.

She acts like a child and has always put men before her children...

tiredlady Wed 01-Oct-08 11:51:18

He was driving to pick up your dd having just had some spliff??!!!

Tell me you didn't let her get in the car?

zippitippitoes Wed 01-Oct-08 11:52:35

well i guess at her age her relationships are her business

maybe you should find a childminder

actually i see now you will be

hopefully your relationship will imoprove if you artent having to realte to each other over child carfe

QuintessentialShadows Wed 01-Oct-08 12:06:08

You can hardly complain about HIM smoking a spliff, if you actually allow your child to ride in a car with somebody who is under the influence of a drug, however "mild", as a parent, you would be the neglectful one for allowing that. Why cant you bring your dd yourself? YOu dont have to rely on your mum and partner for taxi and childcare services.

cantpickyourfamily Wed 01-Oct-08 12:06:48

No I did not let dd go in the car, I was meant to have a night out but said I felt ill so was not going out.

cantpickyourfamily Wed 01-Oct-08 12:07:34

My mum does not look after dd all the time, just when her dad cannot have her...

zippitippitoes Wed 01-Oct-08 12:09:53

i think family as childcare when you work is a bad idea if it causes rifts

i dont think the age of her partner is really the issue

or it shouldnt be an issue for you

if he was 60 would you feel differently maybe you are being a bit prejudiced

cantpickyourfamily Wed 01-Oct-08 12:10:53

quintessentialshadows - I would nopt be on here bringing this up as an issue if I had let dd go in the car with them...

and my mum offered to colect dd from my house as she was passing, gandparents do often offer to help out with their gand children you know!!!!!!!! thats what family do... just like I often offer to collect my sisters children from her house when I am going t look after them for the evening...

zippitippitoes Wed 01-Oct-08 12:12:53

why dont you want her to be in this relationship..because you dont like him? or you find it embarrassing at some level

cantpickyourfamily Wed 01-Oct-08 12:16:37

it is the lifestyle they are living more than his age that I have a problem with.

and my mum always talks about her home saying it is a family home, but I am saying it is not a homily enviroment to bring dd to as there is somking etc going on there...

Also my little brother left home when he was 15 to live with my dad because he was not happy with my mums partner being around. And my mum has carried on her life not speaking to my brother and sister or two grand children for the past two years...

zippitippitoes Wed 01-Oct-08 12:19:40

the lifestylke meaning he smokes

i agree smoking isnt great but its not uncommon

does she still see your 15 year old brother

i think parents relationsips can be hard to come to terms with especially if you live all together it is a case of give and take

cantpickyourfamily Wed 01-Oct-08 12:21:54

actually as a person I do not dislike my mums partner, and we get along fine.

I dislike how my mum has put him before everyone eles in her family.

And I feel that with such an age gap they are not on the same level. She has 3 children and has given up contact with 2 of them to be with him.

He has no children even though he wants some, and smokes weed everyday and drinks cans of beer every night. I just feel it is a tacky way of life...

cantpickyourfamily Wed 01-Oct-08 12:25:45

My brother is now 15 and has not spoke to my mum for 2years, and she has not made a real effort to speak to him as was too tied up in being with her new partner...

By lifestyle I mean drinking all the time and smoking weed, which my mum does not smoke but does not seem to have a problem with him doing it and sitting there spaced out every evening.

I just sometimes feel she lets him do whatever he likes as she is desprate to keep him.

When she was with my dad she didn't speak to him for days if he went for a pint...

zippitippitoes Wed 01-Oct-08 12:26:19

it does sound sad ythat she has lost her children through the relationship

its hard on all counts i imagine

the age gap doesnt necessarily mean they cant be on the same wavelegth tho imo

plenty of older men drink beer and smoke as well

if he wants children tho i think that would be hard unless she does too and was prepared to try ivf by donor or a surrogate

zippitippitoes Wed 01-Oct-08 12:27:20

right well if she is just hanging on to him then perhaps she will eventually realise

cantpickyourfamily Wed 01-Oct-08 12:27:30

Also as he has already left her once saying he wants children and has now changed his mind I am worried he will change it back again and leave her maybe a few years down the line.

And she is the type of woman that is misrible alone and always wants to be with a man...

jojosmaman Wed 01-Oct-08 12:29:10

My Dad is 55 and married to a 28 year old and I would say are on the same level, he has always had a young outlook on life (prob why my parents split up, mum wanted to spend time gardening and doing DIY as she got older whereas Dad wanted to go out) and his new wife is older than her years- However, they have a child together now so maybe this is slightly different?

zippitippitoes Wed 01-Oct-08 12:29:28

he doesnt sound like a great catch do they not do stuff together?

i cant see the point in a relationship which revolves round smoking drinking and tv butg then thatss me

cantpickyourfamily Wed 01-Oct-08 12:30:24

but she is 51 and not very healthy, so if she did try for a baby just for his sake I would probably have to stop talking to her at that point.

As she has lost contact with my brother and sister for him, then to bring another child into the world that would be the most selfish thing ever...

cantpickyourfamily Wed 01-Oct-08 12:33:13

they do things together, but he is always under the influence of something in the evenings and weekends...

i cannot understand why she puts up with that when she would not have let my dad do it...

zippitippitoes Wed 01-Oct-08 12:33:20

true indeed

well it sounds like he wont stay as like you say his desitre for children will probably mean he looks elsewhere..he has plenty of time to do that

if she doesnt have good health maybe you could encourage her to exervcise more eat better

do you feel like giving upon her?

and if she doesnt priorise her teenage son then obviously having another baby would be rather unfair all round

i am 51 with a 32 year old bf by the way

lou33 Wed 01-Oct-08 12:34:24

i went out for a drink with a guy of (almost) 30 last night

his mum is 54 and married a bloke only 2 years older than him, though they are now divorced

mind you he married a woman 8 yrs older himself, so clearly some age thing runs in the family

expatinscotland Wed 01-Oct-08 12:39:52

if he one days wants kids it won't last.

zippitippitoes Wed 01-Oct-08 12:45:09

financially if i was her i would only marry him if he was richer in assets than her

cantpickyourfamily Wed 01-Oct-08 12:56:20

thb my main issue is my mum putting men before her children...

when she met my dad she had a son from a previous relationship then my sister was born and then she gave her son up for adoption... I do not understand why as we never really talk about it... she always told my sister it was because my dad did not like her son. then recently my sister spoke to my dad about this who said they were broke up at the time she put her son up for adoption. He was aged 5 at the time.

Then when my brother was 15 they stopped talking and I just think it is discusting to put men before your children.

I am now a single parent and I cannot imagine putting anyone before dd and there is no way in the world I could give my daughter away for any man.

And when my mums partner broke up with her because he wanted chilren she would have been left with no family other than me and dd as she gave the rest up for him.

The reason I mentioned his age is because she has givenbirth to 2 children older than him, and both me and my 17years old brother are closer to his age than she is.

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