What the hell is wrong with my family? Or am i just oversensitive?

[largeginandtonic]

This may go on a bit, apologies in advance.

I broke up with my ex and father of 5 of my children almost 3 years ago. He was shagging the student (sisters friend) that was staying with us. I knew things were not right between us and made the desicion to leave.

I sat the girl down and told her to leave the house for a few ays as i needed to tell my ex it was over. She (being naive and quite stupid) decided to tell me this was great news as she was veryfond of him and had been sleeping with him for the past 5 months

I went quiet (like you do) and she prattled on thinking i was ok with it all.

So i left, things were strained to say the least. I maintained a normal life to the children and we both explained that we were breaking up etc... they know nothing about why.

He was awful for a year, no child maintenance and refusing to have the children as he 'needed to get his ducks in a row'

I met the man of my dreams > and we married 6 months later. Ex ended up texting one day that he had grown closer to said girl and they were now in a relationship. He denied the affair btw.

So we have all moved on, i am not one to bear grudges and knew that to maintain a healthy relationship between children and father i had to bury it. I do not like him or her but i am civil and chatty for peace sake.

Now my parents and younger brother and sister during this time have been butting in a bit. We have had a few incidences where i have learned they have been over to his house (mostly to see the children) and 'bumped' in to each other on nights out...

My parents are looking after their dog when they go away on a regular basis and did so when they recently got married.

I have just discovered the girl is pregnant, ovely news the kids will be pleased. However my sister clearly knew before and has just been out for the day with the girl, they went for lunch and on to a wedding fair.

My sister is getting married next Summer. My husband cant come, he will be at sea. I am Matron of Honour and will have no one to watch the children while i help her out on the day. I explained this to my sister and said i was a bit worried hoping she would say bring a friend in his place to watch the kids. But NOOOOO she said (a little too quickly)

"oh well i could invite ex and wife, they could help you out?"

Cue stunned silence form me. I get the feeling that she is desperate to invite them but knows it may upset me (of course it bloody would) and saw this as a perfect opportunity.

I have had a few discussions in the past with my folks about how i feel uncomfortable about them talking to ex etc... they have just brushed it off as it is all for the children blah, blah. My mother will get edgy and noticably feel uncomfortable when she tells me she has seen them or had the dog for them so she does know it upsets me.

Am i imagining things?

If the situation was reversed i am damn sure i would make said ex feel pretty bloody awful for what he had done to my sister\brother etc... I would NOT be chatting over lunch and going to fecking wedding fairs.

We moved away btw so are not near to any of them.

[largeginandtonic]

New Zealand sounds attractive right now, clearly the 4 hours between us is not far enough.

[SlartyBartFast]

mm, well you did have 5 children together.
i can only say personally that my dm was on good terms with my all my dad's family, after they divorced, is that any different. she was the wronged wife like yourself but, or because of, they still chose to remain on good friendly terms.
were you married a long time?

[mummydoc]

isn't your exs girlfriend your sisters friend ?? so it seems fair she wants her at her wedding,

[mrsshapelybottom]

IME it can be hard for extended family to "let go" of ex partners after a divorce. My mum kept in contact with my ex-H long after we split up but she had been very fond of him and I didn't tell her much of what went on in our relationship and the reasons we parted.

Obviously your family know that you are not going to be happy about them seeing the ex & gf but maybe you need to tell them exactly why you don't want to be around them?

For something as important as being Maid of Honour at your sisters wedding, I think although it is your sisters big day she needs to be sensitive to you - the only way she will realise how hard it has been for you is if you tell her.....

New Zealand is quite drastic

[largeginandtonic]

But would you be FRIENDS with someone like that after they did that to your sister?

We were together 10 years.

I understand the need to be polite and civil but not the need to be friendly.

[SlartyBartFast]

i see what you mean.
they must have given her their side of the story, whatever that could be.

have you ever spoken to your sister about it?

or where they friends a long time?
are you close to your sister

[Buda]

I agree with you LG&T - it is really odd that your family would be so friendly with your X and his girlfriend. I think PinkChampagne on here has similar issues - although more extreme.

I think I would just take this opportunity to say to your sister that there is no earthly way you want X and his girlfriend/wife to be at the wedding. Obv it is her wedding and up to her who she invites but that it would make you really uncomfortable. And I would also mention that generally finding out that your family all still see him and in particular, her, makes you really uncomfortable.

[PootleAndThePoseysMum]

Do your parents and sister know that they were having an affair whilst she was staying with you and that was one of the reasons you chose to leave? Or didn't you tell them in order to protect your children from possibly finding out - (I don't think this bit is clear in your OP)

[largeginandtonic]

I am close to my sister, very close. That's what i find so odd. I would maim someone who did that to her.

I did say to her there is no way on earth i want them to come and explained i do not like them just tolerate them.

It is odd. I fear it may all come to blows

My dh is astounded at their reaction and so are his parents. They really struggle to see their side.

His helpful suggestion was "just don't go". I love my sister and my family but am struggling with this.

I feel it may be my fault as i tend to sit on the fence and not be vocal enough. I am not one for screaming and jumping up and down to get my point across. Maybe i should have done?

[largeginandtonic]

They knew, the night i found out i packed a pair of pants and walked up the road to my parents. I was a mess.

[Dioriffic]

Message withdrawn

[SlartyBartFast]

so your children's dad is due to be a father again with the friend of your sisters?

perhaps they feel that they shoudl let byegones be byegones or something.

your children still see their dad?

i think you should tell your sister you dont want her friend and your ex there

[NotCod]

lgat

have only read Op

i htink your family are being unresonable
i wonder if they feel that its becuse you were coll( or appreared to be ) at the time

i htink you need to show your vulnerable side
you are hard! cry in front of them
tell them you feel that their loyalty is wiht him, remind them of how much he hurt you

and tell them that you cant do all the kids alone

[largeginandtonic]

After he had got his 'ducks in a row' he is very good with the children. They stay regularly, we meet half way and swap cars etc...

They have maitained this relationship with him throughout. I am sure i have missed most of what has gone on as i am away from it all.

[NotCod]

yes say that you realsie it has to be good for he kids but you dont want to be best buddies.

he left oyu in DIRE financial straits.

[brimfull]

I see why you are pissed off.

It is very hard for others to pick sides though.

I have friend who divorced,best friend went off with her husband...all vey messy.

I get short shrift from her if I talk to any of the other parties..but it has nothing to do with me ffs.I hate it .

[PootleAndThePoseysMum]

Then you are absolutely right, it is very, very odd that they are maintaining such a close relationship with them.

If a friend of mine had an affair with my sisters husband then I would be absolutely furious with them both. I'd never, ever want to speak/see either of them apart from to verbally rip their heads off.

YADNBU!! They are seriously out of order IMO.

[NotCod]

but htey ae her FAMILY
hse needs to depend on them

[largeginandtonic]

Cry!!!!! Good grief Cod. That is like putting the children in Clarks shoes.

I think i do need to stamp my feet a little, am pregnant so could blame the hormones.

My mother is such an 'anything for an easy life' person, a bit like me i suppose but i have the fiercely loyal gene that they missed out on.

[NotCod]

no
shouting will get backs up

[brimfull]

yes agree tis diff from my situation
your family should be loyal to you
end of

[largeginandtonic]

Thats it Cod, i feel the need to shout out

"but you are my mum and dad, protect me"

in manor or small child.

Then i feel unreasonable like a small child

[NotCod]

wel less unresaonable than shouting at them
go and snivel

[largeginandtonic]

< snivel >

[NappiesGalore]

agree with cod. you have to cry.