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how important is it to feel "fancied" by dh and have good sex? (v long)

(136 Posts)
mymittens Tue 30-Sep-08 09:04:25

As some of you know dh and i have had many problems over the years. We are trying to work things out but i'm wondering if we'd have a future anyway. I haven't felt he's fancied me for aboyt 4/5 years of the time we've been together( been together 7 years). Even when we were having sex regularly it was nearly always initiated by me ( he was usually willing) and the sex was unadventurous to say the least. I feel he is very prudish about sex. He's never been intersted in trying anything different - just me on top or him on top. He knows how i feel and says he does fancy me but i don't feel it. I'd love to feel like a woman ( i make lots of effort with my appearance, so it's not like i've let myself go since being with him at all) and not just a a person he sahares a house with. My previous partner fancied me incredibly and was very passionate and adventourous with sex. I left him for dh when i was on antidepressants which clouded my judgement terribley and also killed my sex drive - so at the time that side of things wasn't terribly important. it's only been in the last couple of years that i've been free of anti depressants and can see things clearly. I'm 99% sure i wouldn't have left my previous partner if i hadn't been on the ad.s However we now a a 2yo ds and the majority of the time dh is a great dad to him. Another problem is that because of all the horrific rows dh and i have had (and violence from both of us in the past) i almost don't feel it's right to have sex with him. If i cuddled him i always have have hand "curled up" - i can't lay my hand falt and open on him - sounds silly, i know. I can't bring myself to say i love him and i'm not sure if i do (he knows this). I'm wondering it its worth trying to save my marriage and what's best for ds?

mymittens Tue 30-Sep-08 09:16:17


Kally Tue 30-Sep-08 09:19:01

Well if you can't say you love him, he probably feels like he's walking on thin ice with you. He probably feels all the things you feel. Perhaps you are retracting from him and he feels it (the curled up hand thing)... If you are physically held up like that in a small way, perhaps you both project that feeling.
You say he is prudish and yet you argue with yourself about 'feeling it is wrong to have sex with him'. Is there underlying resentment?
Seems like you have lost communication which is sad, but revivable. Interesting to see what others say.
I had a previous partner who was amazing and lusty with me and made me feel like a million dollars in bed. He knew the art of pleasing (but so what... he dumped me for another) and now I am with someone who is less experienced but adores me, so he is mallable. You have to perhaps take time, discuss, relax, talk about what is bothering you both and work on it to get close again.

mrsshapelybottom Tue 30-Sep-08 09:21:06


I really feel for you, I have just posted something similar and I wish I had an answer. Because of the issues in my own marraige I have found myself mentally switching off from DH almost to protect myself from being hurt by DH's lack of interest in sex.

For me it is really important to feel fancied and needed sexually. Not much help I know, but you are not alone!

mymittens Tue 30-Sep-08 09:31:34

I sort of feel i have switched of too. There've been several times over the last couple of years when i've reminded him i'm back on the pill so we can have sex again - but he shows no interest. It's so hurtful to be rejected in this way. A whiel ago i made a suggestive comment while he was washing up (somethin mt ex would have loved - unexpected attention!!) and he almost blanked me - When i mentioned i found his lack of interest upsetting he said he was
"focussed on the washing up"!!!!

mymittens Tue 30-Sep-08 09:34:26

Kally, it's only been very recently that i've not been able to say that i love him (probably part of the switching off process). I did love him and that probably what i put up with all the bad things before. it feels like what love was there has been killed by all the terrible things that have been said and done

Jazzicatz Tue 30-Sep-08 09:34:27

My dp is the same - I feel totally rejected by him. Haven't any answers but just wanted to say you are not alone.

mymittens Tue 30-Sep-08 09:37:43

I feel so stupid about having left my previous partner while my mind was "clouded" by the antidepressants. He was devastated when i left him. We were together 2 years and got engaged a few months before i left him. We're still in touch with eachother despite how much i hurt him

mymittens Tue 30-Sep-08 09:40:29

What also makes things strange too is that when he was at college he had sex with so many girls , he says he can;t remember how many there were. he guesses around 20 in the space of less than 2 years. So he must have been interested in sex once!!

Jazzicatz Tue 30-Sep-08 09:41:12

I would put your previous partner out of your mind - it sounds as if you regret leaving him, and if you are still in contact this could lead to other things, which is not a wise move. You either have to resolve things with your current partner or end it and move on, but going back to old partners would be a mistake IMO

mymittens Tue 30-Sep-08 09:43:08

Jazzicatz - Out of interest, why do you think it would be a mistake?

Jazzicatz Tue 30-Sep-08 09:46:39

Because you are married to someone else!

mymittens Tue 30-Sep-08 09:53:17

yes, i know that and wouldn't want to be unfaithful to dh. I thought you meant something else! I'm so fed up with feeling like this. There are other things about ds i find quite disturbing (they didn't seem so important while my mind was "clouded"

1. he had a girlfriend who killed herself in his house. he discovered her dead body when he got back from work. he called an ambulance & they took her away. when her frinds called for he , he just said "she moved away". she wasn't in touch with her family and he didn't arrnage funeral for her, he didn't tell anyone seh was dead (apet from the ambulance and the police, when they came round)
2, he has no friends of his own - none at all

solidgoldbrass Tue 30-Sep-08 09:56:40

Mymittens: from your other threads it sounds like the sex issue is just another symptom of the big problem between you and your partner which is that you are very needy and the more demanding you get the more he backs away and becomes irritated. It's hard to feel sexually attracted to someone who is contstantly complaining and demanding attention and insisting on having their own way.
Are you having counselling, either for yourself or as a couple? Because if you can sort out this cycle of whine/reject/whine-some-more/loss of temper it will help everything else fall back into place as well.

mymittens Tue 30-Sep-08 09:58:54

I paln to start going to counselling again in a couple of weeks (not sure if we'll both go yet)

mymittens Tue 30-Sep-08 10:09:43

would be interested to hear what people think about the girlfriend's suicide and that fact he has no friends

mymittens Tue 30-Sep-08 10:18:39


Jazzicatz Tue 30-Sep-08 10:19:58

Sorry am a bit confused - is it your dh who has no friends and the gf who committed suicide?

mymittens Tue 30-Sep-08 10:28:11

yes - it's dh who has no friends. it was a girlfried he had a few years before we met who killed herself

Jazzicatz Tue 30-Sep-08 10:30:07

From what you say it sounds as if you are both very emotionally detached and need to consider counselling to deal with your problems.

TotalChaos Tue 30-Sep-08 10:30:24

does he know that you think you only had a relationship with him because your judgment was clouded by ADs?

mymittens Tue 30-Sep-08 10:36:03

No he doesn't know

mymittens Tue 30-Sep-08 10:39:46

and i'd be too scared to suggest it to him. Maybe if we were at a counselling session i could talk about it there. I'm not sure this is why i satarted seeing him but i think it;s a possibility

zippitippitoes Tue 30-Sep-08 10:44:21

there seems to be an awful lot going on here i think it is very difficult to make specific suggestions because im not sure yiou know what you want or even exactly what the problems all are

and indeed whether they are problems in your own feelings and past or problems in your partners feelings and indeed his past

i think it is important to feel fancied and have good sex whatever that means to you and your partner

but is that the issue or are there lots of complicated issues

i see this as a cant see the wood for the trees issue

a counsellor would help probably

sayithowitis Tue 30-Sep-08 10:48:12

Sorry to say this but tbh I am not surrised your DH doesn't act as if he was a sex machine around you. Your previous threads have indicated that whatever this man does or doesn't do for you, he is NEVER going to satisfy you: you always want more and you never stop letting him know that. His self esteem must be on the ground and that alone is good enough reason for him to withold himself from you. He is scared that you will find yet another reason to criticise him. I really hope you work out your multitude of problems, but I do think you have to get help for yourself as well as for you as a couple. Having read so many of your threads, I seriously wonder whether you truly do want him at all and maybe you are looking for a reason to split? Maybe you need to give it someserious thought.

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