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Is sex important in a relationship?

(31 Posts)
charlotte121 Mon 29-Sep-08 15:09:46

I statrted seeing a guy a month ago and this week he came down to stay for a week which I thought would be great (lots of sex) but he's crap in bed and I dont know what to do. Sex has always been pretty important to me but it is just bad with him.
He is really rough and doesnt seem to understand the concept of being gentle or slowing things down. He is like a jack hammer and when I kinda ask him if he could be more gentle or slow down he doesnt listen. He will for about all of 5 seconds and then hes back at it like a mad man!!! Its all kinda a one way thing as well. Its all about him getting the fun and I dont really get a look in. Kinda makes me feel a bit sleazy tbh and last night I let him go to bed first and did a load of housework so that he would be asleep when I got into bed. I have explained to him that its gonna have to be a bit gentle to start off with because I have a 3 month old dd which has made sex quite painful for me but he seems to have selective hearing. So shall I just give up on it or is it going to drive me mad. At the moment I feel quite disapointed about it all. I was rather looking forward to this part of the relationship because it has always been so fun in the past but it makes me crine now! Help please.

Fadge Mon 29-Sep-08 15:12:04

I'm of the opinion that if the sex isn't right between you then that's an insurmountable problem.

zippitippitoes Mon 29-Sep-08 15:12:26

he sounds awful especially so mas he wont listen either si i would dump him

gothicmama Mon 29-Sep-08 15:15:55

if he is n't listenning to your needs a month in to the relationship then sex possible is not the only problem. Sex should be pleasurable for both parties and he should listen to you if it makes you feel sleazy then perhaps you need to consider what you get from the relationship, this sounds harsh but it is importnat to consider. Is perhaps he unsure how to make love in which case if you think the relationship is on the whole good you could take things more slowly for example just cuddling then just foreplay, to help you learn what each other likes and how to touch each other. Anyway I sound like some one in two minds only you will know how you feel. in answer to your question sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship but trust and respect are

MissisBoot Mon 29-Sep-08 15:17:00

dump him - he;s not listening to you now so is unlikely to do so in the future.

charlotte121 Mon 29-Sep-08 15:17:02

I feel so bad though.... he is such a nice guy and what do I say... sorry its over your crap in bed. I feel like such a cow. My kids love the guy and most other aspects he's great its just the sex that is drivin me mad.

jesuswhatnext Mon 29-Sep-08 15:17:08

sex is important, however, so is making-love! he won't slow down, show some gentleness and it was 'all one-sided' you say - this is a new relationship and the sex should be great, sometimes frantic, sometimes long and slow etc - he sounds immature and selfish, i would get rid now i'm afaid.

scaredoflove Mon 29-Sep-08 15:18:26

give him up!!

if he has no regard for you during sex just a month in, what will it be like later on?

I doubt he will change, and sex is very important in a relationship. I think it shows what kind of man they are. A kind, gentle, listening lover most likely is a kind, gentle listening man. A jack hammer is prob a jack ahmmer in everything

CoteDAzur Mon 29-Sep-08 15:19:37

Leave him!

jesuswhatnext Mon 29-Sep-08 15:22:02

btw - its only a month, i'm sure the dcs will forget him after a few days.

Dropdeadfred Mon 29-Sep-08 15:25:15

he's showing you no care or respect and it's still a new relationship..think about what it will be like in 6 months time!!!!!!

can't you take control, show him how you like it?
if that doesn't work tell him it's over

BlingLovin Mon 29-Sep-08 15:25:51

If it's not good now when you're both trying (in theory), what will it be like in a year or two when it's a little more automatic.

I'd tell him that if the sex doesn't improve immediately, (and consider a score card grin ) that the relationship is over.

charlotte121 Mon 29-Sep-08 15:26:00

lol well he is only 19 but thats not an excuse IMO. Im not sure. I feel terrible for feeling like this but in some ways i think im in this relationship for all the wrong reasons but hes bessotted with me. I kid you not he is really caring in every other aspect of the relationship if not a little big headed. but i just feel stupid.

Fadge Mon 29-Sep-08 15:26:41

agreee with jesuswahtnext - it's only been amonth - and sorry I have to say probably not a great idea to be introducing someone new after such a short time anyway? Deffo not till you have properly decided if they are right for you?

charlotte121 Mon 29-Sep-08 15:35:17

its kind of difficult not to introduce him. I dont have many people who can watch the kids and he lives about 40 mins away from me so when we see each other he usually comes to my house. Aghhhh I feel like an utter bitch but i dont think i can deal with it if the sex stays like this. I think Im gonna have to tell him that Im not enjoyin it and that if things dont get better then maybe we should call it a day.

ivykaty44 Mon 29-Sep-08 15:41:38

No your not an utter bitch, he is only very young and at 19 very naive as to what a woman wants in bed and the fact the the more he gives in bed and listens to what a woman wants - then the more he actually gets and the better the whole sex is with that person.

If though you think you are in this for all the wrong reasons and the sex is bad aswell - then it is a big bell time (you need to get out) but only you can make the choice to move away from this and be on your own.

Flibbertyjibbet Mon 29-Sep-08 15:46:47

You're going to tell him that if the sex doesn't improve you will dump him?
omg imagine if that was the other way round and you were posting to say that someone had given a woman that ultimatum!

Ok if you had come on and posted that you met a guy a month ago who was inconsiderate, impatient, didn't listen, and didn't take account of your needs....(and you also say he is bigheaded)

Would you even need to ask if you should dump him?

Don't wreck his self esteem by saying you are not enjoying it, just find some other excuse to call it off.

zippitippitoes Mon 29-Sep-08 15:50:04

hmm maybe if he is 19 then all things being equal you could try talking about sex with him

after all if you cant talk to him then it wont go far

i am actually fairly useless at this but i think if you cant talk and teach him what you like and see if things improve then it is dead in the water

and tbh if you have other doubts then maybve just leave it

you dont need a reason

but he is in your mates group isnt he?

lilacclaire Mon 29-Sep-08 15:57:15

The fact that you've already told him to slow down and he's not taking any notice would be enough for me to end it tbh.

Pheebe Mon 29-Sep-08 17:29:16

Hate to be the bearer of bad news but - of course he's besotted with you and treats you well at this stage - he's 19, you have your own place and you let him shag you!

He sounds incredibly immature tbh and if he won't listen at this early stage of the relationship run a mile imo

He's 19, he'll get over it and your dcs will barely blink

charlotte121 Mon 29-Sep-08 18:22:07

lol this thread has made me chuckle. I thought you would all tell me to grow up and stop being silly. So glad im not some sex fiend.

Tortington Mon 29-Sep-08 18:25:55

sex is important - get yersl a good fuck love grin

solidgoldbrass Mon 29-Sep-08 18:27:20

He's not a nice guy, charlotte. Nice guys don't carry on pounding away at your foofoo when you've asked them to slow down and said it's uncomfortable.

The fact taht he is 19 means that in 5 years time he might be civilised enough to take his time in bed (once his brain development has caught up with his testosterone levels) but it doesn;t have to be your job to boudoir-train him. And he may be one of the untrainable ones who thinks that women are just appliances anyway.

OK, you could give him ONE more chance by saying (before getting naked) 'Look let me show you the kind of sex I really like' and seeing if that makes any impression on him. If not, bin him.

Pinkchampagne Mon 29-Sep-08 18:42:30

Like others have said, if he isn't listening to you just a month into the relationship, when he should be trying to impress, there isn't much chance of things getting much better. You could try talking to him once more, but if things don't improve, move on!

2rebecca Tue 30-Sep-08 08:32:37

This isn't about sex, it's about his attitude. Bad sex can often be worked at and good sex sometimes takes time to tell each other what you like. You're telling this guy and he's ignoring you. That's just selfishness and inconsideration. It's a relationship/ communication problem, not a sexual problem.
Doesn't sound good.

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