I am a stupid stupid idiot with no will power and I have really messed up this time

[influence]

Not really after advice, just need to tell someone what I've gone and done.

I have a lovely male colleague. We kind of acknowledge that there's some attraction between us, but have never done anything about it as we are both married....

Last night we were at a leaving do, a bit to drink, but not loads. I wasn't on very good form, because of a very late night the night before and wanted to leave quite early. He said he felt the same (he'd been at the same do the prevous night too) and would walk me to the taxis and then get his bus.

So off we went and he said he needed the loo. He had the keys for an office we moved out of a few weeks ago and is now empty, so as we were walking past he went to use the loo there. I went inside with him, as the alternative was to stand on a rowdy Fri night High St by myself.

You know what's coming don't you?

I can't recall exactly how it happened, but I didn't put up much of a fight. Some people might say it was nothing really, but it was a lot of snogging and some wandering hands and went of for at least 1 hour. I had a great time . No clothes were removed, but this is just not the sort of thing I do (completely faithful for 20 years)so it's a big deal to me. No idea if he set up the office thing with this in mind or not TBH, but he did rush straight to the loo when we got inside.

I had a text from him in the taxi, asking if I was OK and saying he wished he'd met me before I married I think I'm saddest at the fact I must have lost him as friend.

[knockedgymnast]

Wow, that's quite intense. How do you feel though? Do you have any feelings for him??

[ActingNormal]

Oh dear. Are you happy with your DH and want to stay with him? Did you just want a bit of excitement or to feel attractive and wanted because you've been in a relationship a long time and got a bit bored? Do you want it to be just a one off? If so then forgive yourself as this happens a lot, be more careful next time (just don't get into situations where this sort of thing could happen), and focus on doing little things to make your time with your DH more enjoyable. Try to laugh with your friend about it and acknowledge that it was a daft drunken thing and let it blow over.

Or is it a sign that there is a problem in your relationship?

[Lilyloo]

Can only agree with LL

[SlartyBartFast]

not really unfaithful though.
you can go back to being friends, however.

[SlartyBartFast]

you can put the breaks on you know.

[twinsetandpearls]

It must be sad to loose a friend but if you are not sadder to have cheated on your husband then I see little future for your marriage.

[Kewclotter]

you feel sad becuase you may have lost a friend not that your unsuspecting husband was probably sitting at home like a mug? Dont you feel sad for him.

[twinsetandpearls]

Slarty that was unfaithful,

[SlartyBartFast]

ok but she can put the breaks on. it doesnt have to lead to anything else. it can be a one off, based on too much to drink.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

ditto what LL said.

[twinsetandpearls]

It would be a one off i would not forgive.

[JodieG1]

Not really unfaithful? Are you joking? Sorry to be crude but just because a man doesn't put his penis inside a woman doesn't mean it isn't being unfaithful.

[Kewclotter]

slarty don;t you think though that the fact she is saddest about losing her friend NOT what this means to her mariage is a bit daming?

Can you imagine how devastated you would be to discover that your DH had indulged in some fairly heavy petting with a colleague and that he main thought afterwards was how to saty friends with that colleague not how you would feel? Not feeling how scared he might be of losing you but her.

[SlartyBartFast]

i am pretty sure she feels bad already

[influence]

Yes knocked, I do enjoy his company and find him attractive (clearly) but would never consider taking it further (although yesterday morning I would never have considered what happened last night)

Acting, I definitely want to stay with DH, would be devastated if anything happened to end our marriage, but you're right it is good to feel attractive/have some excitement I suppose. I actually think our marriage is pretty good, but obviously after all this time, it's not like it is at the beginning. My only excuse is that my sex drive is massively higher now than it has ever been (it's been discussed on here recently that that can happen in late 30's and it's definitely happened to me) and DH is struggling to keep up. Poor thing doesn't know what's hit him, but I'd never consciously considered looking elsewhere.

That's interesting LL - although my behaviour has shocked me, I didn't actually think of it as being unfaithful. I haven't told DH, because he'd worry about the fact that I have to work with this man, but I think I could tell him without him thinking I'd been unfaithful too TBH.

[SlartyBartFast]

i spose kew, it is definitely not right, i'm not saying it is, nor her reaction, come back op and tell us how bad you feel for your dh?

[JodieG1]

Here's some news for you then, it is being unfaithful. Why not ask your dh and see what he thinks?

[SlartyBartFast]

no please dont tell him - it wouldnt do any good to your marriage. apart from off loading your guilt

[JodieG1]

Sorry so you'd tell your dh that you were kissing another man and had "wandering hands" for an hour and he wouldn't think that was being unfaithful? You don't think that either? It would be ok if he did the same thing with another woman then I assume.

[JodieG1]

Slarty so would keeping him in the dark benefit their marriage? Building on lies? That sounds healthy.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Why not tell him? Let HIM define whether she has been unfaithful or not, let HIM decide what status their marriage has now, that she has gone into an empty building with a male colleague she is attracted to, and snog and pet heavily.

[expatinscotland]

you seriously think he'd be okay with your telling him all this?!

[expatinscotland]

you seriously think he'd be okay with your telling him all this?!

[Bramshott]

I think you need to take a deep breath, draw a line under this and try to forget about it.

It is good I think that you recognise that you have lost this man as a friend and that things can never go back to the flirtatious but harmless way they were.