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Mr. McD and Mr. B... Oh dear, another fine mess you got me into Stanley....

(6 Posts)
Kally Sat 27-Sep-08 10:09:18

A few weeks ago I posted about my DP McD. I finished with him, very sadly but saw the relationship as logistically impossible. Met Mr.B. We went out for a meal etc and he was very sweet, but there was no big old click going on. We got on well as friends for sure. He lives a lot nearer and we went to his house and he helped me take my pictures to an exhibit etc and was very supportive,calls for chats every day etc.

On hearing that I decided to stop the relationship with McD, he came down to me immediately, took a day off work and when he arrived he was very distressed and sat with me explaining that his house was his marital home and (he has no family here) his EW family help him out a lot with his DS, allowing him to function workwise. They pick him up from school and babysit when he works, they come and go at his house as if its theirs. He needs their support. She left him and I can only assume that his culture would see this as unfair and therefore stepped in to help him out and have remained close to him. When he was working in IT he could afford au pairs etc. Now he can't. He said it would be very uncomfortable for him to have another lady suddenly appearing for 'sleepovers'etc. I feel he is unindated with them. He said he couldn't say this to me for fear of offending me. I said I respected this and could understand (as have been in a similar situation myself). It is not good to be needy but sometimes unavoidable.
I left it at that. We were both upset and he stayed a few hours begging me to reconsider and tht he will make changes for us to be together. To be patient and give him chance to detach himself and come to be with me. That is his main goal right now, once his son is with his Mum (McD says they have agreed to this). He says he does not want to burden me with all of this as it is stuff he has to deal with but begged me to be reconsider 'as we have come this far and are inlove and not to give up just yet'.
Meanwhile MrB has been a good friend altho I have mentioned McD in a round about way, that I have a friend from town X and he comes to stay sometimes with his DS... I didn't go into detail as this is a new friendship. McD knows that MrB helped me during exibition and is a friend. He didn't comment negatively as he knows I have male friends.
I couldn't do anything intimate with MrB but he is lonely and enjoys my company, I cook him supper and enjoys the company. I have never even kissed MrB. We're just friends.
I know MrB would like it to move up a level but I feel I am being very calculative by keeping his good company while McD sorts himself out to pave a path to me.
I feel scared and I am not a people user but feel I have gone and got things complicated. What is the best thing to do?

NatalieJaneIsPregnantAgain Sat 27-Sep-08 10:17:07

I think you need to decide if you want to 'wait' for McD.

If you do, you need to be upfront with Mr.B, make it clear you enjoy your friendship, but it won't become more than that (it doesn't sound like it would even if McD was out of the picture anyway?)

If you don't want to wait for McD, then you need to tell him that, now.

Good luck!

Kally Sat 27-Sep-08 10:25:33

Do you think I should tell MrB the reason why? Or is it unnecessary at this point since we are just new friends? MrB has just called to say he bought me some painting equip from a boot sale (aisel etc). I didn't ask him for this but it makes me feel 'grotty' to accept..
I do want to wait for McD. I adore him and have accepted his explanation altho things are still scant. We don't get to see a whole lot of each other altho he calls everyday.
Oh gosh... I find this so hard. I've gotten into a right mess and don't know where to straighten things out.
I know McD would not feel insecure about me having a buddy, but I feel McB would be hurt and he is oblivious really of what is going on in any real depth. But at this stage do I owe explanations. Asking this as a lady of 51 that I amblush

NatalieJaneIsPregnantAgain Sat 27-Sep-08 11:14:51

Yes, tell MrB, if he values your friendship as just that, then he will understand.

I always try to put the boot on the other foot, how would feel if you had gotten friendly with MrB, and then found out that you were just a stand in for a Mrs McD? All be it a very nice stand in?

RealityGap Sat 27-Sep-08 11:31:31

it sounds like you would not want anything more from MrB anyway so I would clear that up - what use is a friendship that isn't based on truth anyway?

MrMcD sounds like he has a lot going on - but only you know if it is worth waiting for. And even if it works out with MrMcD there is no reason you can't stay good friends with MrB

(side note am I the only one that initially thought that the OP was about McDonalds and BurgerKing - maybe the diet isn't going so well!!)

Kally Sat 27-Sep-08 22:32:23

Ha ha ha... MrMcD is a McD worker... (previous post was about this) but MrB isn't anything to do with meat patties...

Have just spent a lovely afternoon with Mr.B, he's such a sweet guy and he really is a good buddy. He makes no moves on me, not even the slightest. Perhaps he also wants the same. Just friendship.

I have a feeling tho that he could be quite possessive. A bit of the reason tht I am not attracted to him as a partner. (ExH was very possessive).

McD is very non invasive and never doubts my sincerity with regard to my feelings. I feel quite down about all this. It would be the ideal situation to have a male buddy but somehow I don't think MrB would understand. MrB would like a full blown relationship, and McD wouldn't mind me having a buddy, I know that. I will have to be honest with McD and slowly let MrB know of the fact that I don't want anything other than freindship. AS I haven't indicated any desire for relationship to be anything other than buddies, it's ok isn't it? (I know deep down it's not fair). I should tell him my heart is elsewhere but I haven't got the heart.

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