Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

ahem, late yes, but how can you be intimate without having full sex?

(23 Posts)
HowDoYouDoIt Fri 26-Sep-08 23:54:55

I need ideas, it is ahem lacking in the sexual area, that sex is a bit of a fumble then either party in a missionary position and then over. (it's good don't get me wrong - only man for the big 'o' during penetration) and not manually I might add.

we do the cuddles/kissing etc. but it would appear we can't do the whole 'playing' without it leading to full sex.

any thoughts. with my XH we had a totally non intimate relationship in the end - was physical yes but no intimacy.


(am a name changer for obv reasons - def not a late night troll!)

Pesha Sat 27-Sep-08 00:10:25

Sorry if I'm being dim but am confused, what exactly are you asking?!

littlelapin Sat 27-Sep-08 00:12:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlelapin Sat 27-Sep-08 00:12:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HowDoYouDoIt Sat 27-Sep-08 00:13:10

how are you intimate with a partner/husband without having full sex - what other ways can you be intimate with a person without having full intercourse or kissing/cuddling.

HowDoYouDoIt Sat 27-Sep-08 00:13:50

all of it lapin, any of it! it's good when it's there - for about 5 minutes I think (sometimes less.)

littlelapin Sat 27-Sep-08 00:16:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HowDoYouDoIt Sat 27-Sep-08 00:19:40

lol. lapin you daredevil!

to be fair, I rather like oral for DP (shameless hussy!) but I have issues about him doing it to me - in the first part it's a bit well ahem i've had a bit of a bacterial infection - not nice, but also I know he's not keen on it & doesn't like it, but has said he'll do it as he likes to return the favour. I do like it when he's there don't get me wrong but I don't know - can't relax as I know his feelings on it.

to be fair to DP he is very caring and loving and basically will let me do as I wish, ie if I said no to sex he'd go for the no sex. I think it's a prob with me more than him & me not fully knowing how to do the intimacy thing.

(but when you're both naked it's a bit hard! blush)

littlelapin Sat 27-Sep-08 00:23:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solidgoldbrass Sat 27-Sep-08 00:23:52

I'm not quite sure what you want either... for him to stop turning every kiss and cuddle into a sexual overture, or more non-penetrative sex?

HRHSaintMamazon Sat 27-Sep-08 00:24:54

arf @ "its a bit hard"

watch a film with a bit of a steamy scene or undertone. remain fully clothed at all times but snuggle up on the sofa. start caressing each other and having a bit of a kiss and cuddle.


With regards to the issues of him "returning the favour" have you tried flavoured lubes? it may make you feel better as they are frgranced and he can find one he likes teh taste of and it makes it all a bit nicer for him.

though tbh if he said he didnt liek it id ask him just how good he thought his cock tasted and then push his head back down. be a man! wink

littlelapin Sat 27-Sep-08 00:25:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HowDoYouDoIt Sat 27-Sep-08 00:25:49

a bit of both I think - this is where the confusion lays I think, as I don't fully know myself.

what do you class as being intimate with a partner?

stoking of hair, holding hands etc?

it's not every kiss leads to sex, but usually it does in the bedroom area.

HowDoYouDoIt Sat 27-Sep-08 00:28:10

LMFAO @ mam! what a way with words push his head back down! lol.

hmm I like the idea of that - we did try the whole watching porn thing, which well - firstly the porn was so crap it was laughable and did nothing for me DP on the other hand didn't even wait for the credits to role up at the start before he wanted some action! blush

never thought of flavoured lubes thou - will they have any effects on the workings of things down there?

HRHSaintMamazon Sat 27-Sep-08 00:34:20

not really. they are a bit sticky, but if he does a good job it'll all be cleaned off wink

Pesha Sat 27-Sep-08 00:36:51

Can you bring another element into it like you being in control so he has to do what you want and then sitting on his face (cant believe I'm saying this, I normally try and keep my slutty ways private!) or you letting him tie you up and making you do what he wants but with a rule of no intercourse. Would he enjoy it more if there was a game or fantasy to it?

Or mutual masturbation? Sharing stories, fantasys?

solidgoldbrass Sat 27-Sep-08 01:10:44

HDYDI: I'm not sure that how we define intimacy is either useful or relevant. Some people consider it to be 'not sex' unless there's some willy-in-fanjo stuff (Bill Clinton?) but I did once encounter a man who reckoned he was having sex with me just by looking at my blouse. Are you having a problem with a DP who wants more sex than you do? Because sometimes this can cause a vicous circle in that you want more affection (kisses, hugs) and he is desperate for sex, so you push him off every time he shows affection because you think he's going to want sex. Some people like a lot of general physical affection - a kiss good morning, a friendly pat on the bum as you're pouring the coffee, a hug before you leave the house etc and some people are only really comfortable expressing affection during explicitly sexual scenarios. If that's what's going on, you need to spell it out to him: the more general affection he can offer, the more likely you are to feel sexy and basically both of you are going to try to meet each other's needs because you know what each other wants.

If I've got the wrong end of the stick and what you want is basically more foreplay because he's a two-snogs-one-nipple-tweak-then-in-goes-the-love-salami-ready-or-not, then reading erotic fiction is often helpful if visual porn such as DVDs doesn't do it for you. Anthologies of sexy short stories, of which there are loads (is it time to plug my one again grin?) are good for this: you can read stuff, talk to your DP about it and get him to read stuff and talk to you along the lines of 'ooh, that sounds good, fancy trying it/not especially but how about this?'

TMItoday Sat 27-Sep-08 01:26:31

I've namechanged, but if he's not keen on going down and you are, could he just (sorry, I can't be sublte) lick your clit?
I'ts small and maybe he's not keen on going all around?
Of course I'd never suggest any partner do anything they really don't want but I also think it's perhaps worth a try to see if it could be enjoyed.

Tortington Sat 27-Sep-08 01:31:52

massage = more intimate. i thik thats what you're asking.

with various oils

nowt like a bit of squidgy stuff now and again.

yousaidit Sat 27-Sep-08 06:16:14

Lying on couch watching tv, kick off stinky slippers, proffer previously robed stinky foot up to dh and murmer 'rub this, love': pleasurable for you, and will definately not lead to sex! grin

yousaidit Sat 27-Sep-08 06:18:12

But really, do you mean intimacy in stopping short of penetrative sex or just closeness that you want? if its the latter, do you do the more mundane stuff like if slobbing out watching tv you might lay on sofa with head on dh lap just so you're close, or he can tickle your hair etc? Boring, but better than being sat curled up on opposite ends f couch?

Blandmum Sat 27-Sep-08 07:19:10

THink 'everything except....'

Pretend you are young, in love, but don't go 'all the way' yet

HowDoYouDoIt Sat 27-Sep-08 10:03:33

yousaidit - yes that's what I want, but also at some points in the month I don't like to be 'petted'

custy - yes that as well massages are good.

yousaidit - lmao! that's good I guess along with farting in bed and then shoving his head under to say fancy some tonight love! wink

TMI - he does do it, think it's more my thing, as it's a v v intimate thing to do, and I wasn't keen on X doing it as I got older (after all am a mother now! blush )

sgb - no DP is lovely, he doesn't push me for either thing, we did try to have a 'no sex' thing this week, bless him we ended up having sex, and after he said 'sorry, I don't want you to think I was pressuring you ' porn - is good I quite like watching it. to a degree he's not as experienced as I am (I know I was with X for a v long time, but he's only had 2 proper girlfriends - me being one of them)

guess I need to figure out what I want really. hmm.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: