Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
So.. the weekend stretches before me and I don't want to spend a minute of it with DP. That's really bad, isn't it?(51 Posts)
I am slowly coming to the realisation that I am a hundred times happier if I'm not in the presence of DP.
We have two young DDs (DD2 is 3 months old). He is quiet and uncommunicative at the best of times. I have posted on here about him before and the consensus of opinion was borderline aspergers - I'm not 100% convinced but that gives you an idea of his personality.
I finally have the family I've always wanted, two gorgeous girls, but DP is so difficult and moody to be around (said 'what's the f**g point in life') after getting home from (low-paid non-stressful)work recently. Helps out with DDs but is tense and moody and short with them.
Worst of all when I speak to him about this either denies it all or puts on a stupid saccharine voice and tells me he can't be happy all the time, can he.
I am aching for us to be a happy family unit but what can I do if he won't play fair?
So, the weekend looms again.. I would love to fill it with fun family things - bit of gardening, a walk, take some photos of our beautiful DDs, bit of DIY maybe.. but as DP is ILL (a cough) I know it's going to be an even more depressingly gloomy weekend than normal.
I am wondering whether this is just normal, and perhaps I am too sensitive to let other people's mood rub off on me. But how can I stay happy and cheerful if he's huffing and puffing looking like the world's going to end? I can't, can I?
Is he depressed? Was he happy and carefree when you met him or has he always been like this?
When dh is doing his grumpy old man act at the weekends, dd and I just trot off on our own and leave him to it.More fun to be had if you are out and about, no wonder the gloom is rubbing off on you.
Obviously this doesn't solve your long term issues, but could it be an option for you and your dds? Just to prevent you all sitting in the house being depressed all weekend?
I am tempted to just go out - BUT going out is hard work (DD1 is 2 + new baby).
Why should I effectively give him the day off by looking after them on my own for a day?
I would really like to just spend some quality time as a family. I am starting to get really resentful that it's me who is constantly providing the cheery attitude.
I spend most of the week out of the house precisely because it doesn't feel like home, it's starting to exhaust me.
Everlong - I don't know if he's truly depressed or this is just his natural personality now. He's always been a useless communicator and we never set the world on fire as a couple, but I can live with that - but now it seems to have degenerated into a permanently depressed state, back biting and bickering. It's absolutely not what I want, have tried many many times to discuss it with him, but he just doesn't 'get' what the problem is. And certainly doesn't think it's him.
So maybe it's not. I'm beginning to wonder tbh.
You both sound a little depressed/dissatisfied, or maybe it's to do with having a young baby again. I don't think my DP or I cracked a smile for the first 4 months, until LO started sleeping through the night. Is there any chance you could have some time together, just the two of you? You might find you're better together, without the stress and busyness of looking after the children.
I have a sense of what you feel as my DP is definitely one of life's glass is half empty people and his negativity or just lack of lust for life can be a bit wearing at times. But he's a good man at the heart of it so I try to ignore him when he's a grump and just do things on my own with DS. It's not my ideal family life either - I always thought we'd do things as a family when we had children - but hey, life ain't perfect.
WhatsupDoc - I smpathise, I really do, but you sound like you might be reaching for the moon here. If he is a grumpy feck with a cough, leave him to it and take the gorgeous DDs out by yourself. You are not going to get quality time as a family with a grumpy feck who is ill because he is not going to "follow your script" - so if you even attempt it you are going to end up being even more pissed off with him for spoiling what could have been a nice day. Dump him for the day, tell him he is a miserable feck and you will have a nicer day without him and either send HIM out all day so you have the house to yourself and the girls, or take them out somewhere.
Also might be an idea to try relationship counselling...
Thanks for your messages everyone. They really made a difference. I stayed out of his way for most of the weekend (stayed with my mum on Sat night) and thoroughly enjoyed spending quality time with my daughters, without walking on egg shells around him all the time.
Came back this afternoon and he was in the foulest mood ever. Didn't ask him to do much, but DD1 follows him around everywhere and can be quite clingy/whingy around him, which made him even worse. I couldn't bear it anymore so asked him to go to his mums and not come back. Quite frankly I was not bothered whether he did come back or not.
During the afternoon he told me that it would be my fault if he died (for telling him he didn't need to call an emergency doctor due to a cough), told me I 'should have pushed him on' to see a doctor sooner, then ranted that I hadn't made him meals or drinks or looked after him any way.
Unfortunately now he's come home, don't know what to do now. Everything he's said is totally unfair.
Glad you had a nice weekend with your dd's . It's a shame your dh couldn't join in with with you also.
Is there something tangible that is making him miserable, ie: money worries, job, health??
It sounds like you could really do with a chat and talk to him about how lonely and edgy you feel, cos in the long run this isn't good for you or you dd's,is it?
I have chatted to him loads to try to a. help him realise how his moods affect me and b. try to do something to help
Even suggested he sees a lifecoach (I am seeing one about my career, and it's helped me enormously) but he doesn't see the point.
I am coming to the conclusion that he just has a negative personality, like theresathought's partner, they sound very similar.
The biggest problem is that he doesn't realise when he's in a bad mood, or gets angry and denies it. So how can anything change if he flatly denies there's a problem in the first place!??
I don't think I explained that very well.. basically we will have a 'big conversation' and I think we've made progress, then the very next morning he behaves exactly the same, so I'm like.. what's the point.
Sorry if I am wallowing, I am just interested to know what other people would do in my situation. Feel like I'm being ground down, although I know deep inside he wouldn't hurt a fly and is kind and generous. In some ways, actually, that makes it worse. Feel like I am bending over backwards trying to make things work and it's like banging my head against a brick wall.
Yes I agree, some people are that way, moody, short tempered and miserable.
It's a shame for you though, you seem like you want to be happy and get on with your life, I really don't know what to suggest other than he sees his gp for a chat, but I bet he wouldn't go would he!?
What about planning a day out next weekend, let him pick where you are going ( to get him involved ) so you have something to look forward to as a family? Worth a try, maybe!
Keep your chin up x
I hesitate to say this, and am well aware that I may get shot down in flames, but have you considered that maybe you're just not right together? I know from bitter experience that if you are a cheery,glass-is-half-full kind of person and your partner's the opposite, eventually they can drag you down to the depths too.
BUT. Your new baby is very new and you're probably not a hundred percent 'back to normal' yet, so give yourself a break from cheering-up duty.Save your energy. Let him wallow.Then reassess in a couple of months.
I could ask him..
His response would be 'I don't know, not bothered, you choose'
When I do try to arrange things he makes me feel like I am taking away his weekend and he has better things to do. In the past he has commented that he 'has no time to get on with things'. By this he means sitting on his laptop, on his own.
I would love to go on walks, a bike ride, get lost in the countryside and end up in a country pub somewhere.. go to the park to feed the ducks - stupid stuff. On the rare occasions we do anything it feels so forced and false.
Sorry Monkeygi, cross posted!
That's the conclusion I'm coming to. We're just so different.
But is that really reason enough to leave and blow apart our beautiful family? I want this to work so much, it's driving me crazy that we can't be happy.
Not fireworks - that's ok - but just no fighting and atmosphere!
This is an ongoing issue btw, DD2 was a bit of a surprise and last autumn I told him I'd give it until this summer for things to improve.
That's partly why I'm feeling shit I think! I just don't have the courage to walk away.. seems such a waste.
Honestly? It sounds as if your beautiful family is you and your lovely girls- and that's just fine. Do you think he's aware of what he could potentially be losing? Or bothered enough to do something about it? He doesn't seem to have much respect for you at the moment and you certainly don't have to put up with that.
He says he doesn't want to lose me. But doesn't change his behaviour and so it continues.
They do say you can't change someone, don't they? Maybe I should work to develop a thicker skin
By the way, do you have any opportunity to get out and do something without the girls? sometimes having time away can give you a clearer perspective on things. I'm not necessarily talking major time, just an evening 'off' once in a while or even weekly doing something just for you? It worked for me- though I have to admit, the conclusion I reached was to leave my husband. i have to say, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but one hundred per cent the right decision and I've never regretted it.
tbh he is being an arse.
how much you are prepared to stick it out and what it will take to make this relationship work is up to you. and him.
I personally think you should stick it out and try some more things. A family break up is hard.
So whaddya think, will he actually see someone? or change some aspects of his behaviour?
Thanks Monkeygi - we do occasionally get time together - but it just makes me feel more distant from him.
So once you made your mind up, you never regretted it? Were you 100% sure at the time?
I think about being single all the time, but I couldn't live with myself if I made the wrong decision. Feel I want to do everything I can to make things work and then at least if it doesn't I can walk away with my head held high.
So because I don't think he really appreciates how desperate I am feeling.
Was it something in particular which made you decide to leave, or did you rationalise it? (sorry, don't feel obliged to answer all my nosey questions!)
You say you can't change someone, so why try and change yourself? Not wanting to lose something is a far cry from doing something to ensure it doesn't happen. i'd say, if you really still love him and want to try to make it work, offer him one last chance. Relationship counselling or you walk. if he loves you and wants to keep you, he'll try. If not, then you owe it to yourself (and your DDs) to preserve your own identity.
Slut I don't think he can tbh
Borderline aspergers type personality - when we talk you can see the concentration on his face but he really just doesn't get emotion
It's really difficult, cos I communicate A LOT
He's not trying to be an arse, but I really have to remind myself of that sometimes
Thanks for your advice, I too feel it's too soon to walk away, but most days feel like we're just heading towards the inevitable, and the thought of it and what it will do to our daughters is unbearable.
Somedays I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship and just be happy.. family life would be so fulfilling, I would imagine.
Cross posting again!!! I don't mind the questions. Ultimately it was that, despite earning enough and the fact that we were living in a small one bed flat with our ds, he wouldn't attempt to move house. That sounds trite, I know, but I spent so many years trying to keep it all together and trying to move us forward as a family that I saw that as the last straw. I knew nothing would ever change-and I couldn't bear that. But there were years of me doing what it sounds like you're trying to do now. I too felt I couldn't quit before I'd tried absolutely everything. Somehow felt it was ALL up to me and my fault if it didn't work. You know what though? It wasn't!!!
I do sympathise whatsupdoc, but can i just say, i suffer from depression and anxiety, i can be very difficult to live with. Im sure my partner is totally exasperated with me alot of the time, but i would be devestated if he felt the way you say you do, in fact, i'd prefer him not to stay with me.
Not sure about "lifecoaches" but he does sound as if he needs some serious counselling (probably by someone with recognised qualifications as apposed to a "lifecoach", i could be wrong but that puts me in mind of that awful gillian McKeith woman who set her self up as a diet guru based on phoney qualifications) and you need to decide whether you are so critical of him because a) you love him and are exasperated with him and worried for him or b) you simply don't love him anymore.
I'm sorry if i don't come across as sympathetic, i truly am, because i know how bad i have made my DP feel, but without his support, even though he really doesn't understand most times, i would really be in a bad way. I can be terribly self pitying, just read some of my old threads, and you will see what i mean. Have you suggested he see his GP at all? I think he should, for everyones sake.
On the face of it, he does sound like he needs a kick up the backside, but maybe he is just in a bad place in his head and he needs help.
Thanks LEM, I appreciate your honesty.
I really don't want to feel this way at all. Wish I could be more supportive. Maybe if he admitted he was depressed, or difficult to live with it would be easier.
I think if you do live with someone who suffers from depression/anxiety you must have to be really selfless. I'm not sure I've got it in me.
Just feel like I've got so much love inside me to give to our little family..
And he doesn't appreciate it, or even want it.
I can't bear it!!!
Join the discussion
Please login first.