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how to handle MIL

(11 Posts)
mum2niamh Fri 26-Sep-08 16:53:38

sorry if I have mentioned this before, i can't remember sorry! I probably didn't give the whole story anyway!

My MIL and I have never had a good relationship but we were at least civil to each other iykwim and i did a lot of tongue biting in the 11 years i have been with DH but now I have a nearly 8 month old dd and she's become so much worse.

she will turn up unnannounced 3 or 4 times a week, especially at dd's bed time and expect to come in, get a cuppa etc. She wanted to take dd abroad without us when she was only 2 months old and went into a huge huff when i refused, she expects us to spend our entire weekend with her (I'm now back at work full time) and is offended that my own mother watches dd during the week (MIL also works full time!), she does the exact opposite of what I want with dd - giving her solids when she was only 3 months etc and every time she watched dd I would return to find her screaming so she hasn't watched dd for about 3 months now, and she always makes funm of my cooking and cleaning skills and talks about how her other DIL is wonderful with my daughter but never says that to me and i'm her mother so it really hurts

before dd was born, my sis got engaged and the wedding is at xmas, i was going to let MIL watch dd but now I don't want to based on what has gone on. oh and she used to leave other GD to 'cry it out' which I am totally against so yet another reason but now she keeps going on about 'the wedding' and watching dd. I don't know how to go about telling her it's not happening. She knows I'm p*ssed off with her as I've been a bit more assertive with her but she's someone who is VERY argumentative and resorts to phoning my own parents and giving them verbal abuse if something I do annoys her plus she has made DH move back in with her in the past, he's a mummy's boy and she cries etc and makes him feel bad. He's trying to be on my side more but I always feel his mum comes first!

So a few tips on how to raise this with her in the best way would be much appreciated!

Bellchops Fri 26-Sep-08 17:00:41

Oh dear - my MIL is also a nightmare and I do feel bad for you. I hope someone has some pearls of wisdom to help. The only thing I have found useful is to ensure that DH and I are putting up a united front. Good luck. Hope someone else can help you.

mampam Fri 26-Sep-08 17:19:48

I agree with Bellchops. The only thing you can do is get your DH to stand up to his mother more. This may be hard for him at first but it's the only way.

The less DH stands up for you the more MIL will think she can get away with it. Once she realises that her son won't tolerate that kind of behaviour towards his wife, hopefully she will stop.

mum2niamh Fri 26-Sep-08 17:40:27

Dh has just said she will be 'popping by' on Monday. In fairness, I've avoided her recently but she does need to see dd at some point, I'm just dreading it though

MollyCherry Fri 26-Sep-08 21:20:38

Good Luck - she sounds just like my MIL, even to the point of the phoning my parents or even turning up at their house and ranting at them if I do something she doesn't like (in the past - not recently).

Have you the option of taking your DD to your sister's wedding? If so just explain that your sister is very keen for all her family to be there including her baby niece so you won't be requiring her services afetr all - can't see how she can argue with that (although I know my MIL would try to so...)

My hubby is the same too - MIL gives him grief if she doesn't get her own way then he sulks and causes an atmosphere and I have to try and sort out a way to keep everyone happy. I really feel for you and hope it works out one way or another...

mitfordsisters Fri 26-Sep-08 21:34:03

She sounds totally out of control, and she is makiing your life a misery! I can't believe that your dh moved back in with her at her bidding shock

He has to stand up to her and tell her that your plans have changed. Easier said than done though, I know - my dh is a wimp with his mum. But really I think it's the only course of action that will tame her in the long run. Can you arrange to be out on Monday and request that dh tells her?

DorisIsAPinkDragon Fri 26-Sep-08 22:17:40

The change of plans must come from dh you must agree a corse of action between you and he must stick to it.....

imo your difficult relationship stems largely out of his inability to stand up to his mother.

WinkyWinkola Fri 26-Sep-08 22:23:05

Make sure you have the care for your DD that you are comfortable with. If your MIL has fundamentally different views on care i.e. crying it out then her looking after your DD simply won't work. Can't believe she gave her solids without your knowledge! shock

She sounds arrogant and keen to undermine you. She's evidently annoyed that you don't let her do exactly as she wants with your child in your home. Funny that. hmm

It's vital your DH is on side and establishes boundaries with her. She's taking the p*ss. Talk to him. Tell him your worries and why you're not going to let MIL look after DD at the wedding. I'd let your MIL know ASAP about that btw so that she doesn't have a hold over you about how many Christmas parties she's missed because you didn't let her know in time blah blah blah.

Be firm about what you want, be calm and really really really don't worry yourself about her opinions of your parenting. It sounds like she's not the sort of person whose opinions you should worry about.

You are the parent. You make the decisions and you are responsible for your DD.

palacestreet Fri 26-Sep-08 22:48:01

It sounds like she has a hold over you and DH. My DH and I have had long term issues with his mum and we have come to the conclusion that it is all about control, or losing it more to the point. His MIL is very extreme in her demands the more extreme we are in keeping her away! WE have reached the place where negotiation is no longer an option - we have don't communicate, but that is preferable in our minds than to have his mum using her controling ways over our kids.
I hope your situation won't get this extreme, but it does appear that your DH is trying to satisfy her demands so it seems to her she still has some control over his life and then your's - and the kids. You must put a stop to it.
If you can, and she is receptive, treat her like a child, let her think she has control etc. give her 'quality' moments with the children and make her feel special, but she must not continue with these emotional games as they will not stop on there own

mum2niamh Sat 27-Sep-08 18:48:06

thank you everyone. she phoned dh today on his car mobile (she knows we can all hear her) and asked when she would 'get' dd.hmm

dh is all uiet today obv worrying about what grief she will give him but i am trying not to let her upset me anymore and she HAS been, i havent slept and i have had enough of putting her feelings before mine!

paros Sat 27-Sep-08 19:04:40

go to this site for advice and support be aware its very addictive

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