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Getting uptight about the fact DH is no consolation to me now my dad has died.

(18 Posts)
cathcat Fri 26-Sep-08 14:46:26

My dear dad has died 3 days ago. DH has not given me a hug, kiss or anything. (He did say he was sorry when I told him on the phone.)
Now I am getting uptight about the funeral because it is going to be really hard and very emotional but I feel like I don't want DH to 'comfort' me...if he can manage that. I feel like I am pushing him away. But I feel why should I make it easy for him, he should be stepping up to the plate. Maybe I am expecting too much?
He has a job with long hours and only took time off on the day it happened, that was mainly for childcare reasons. I am getting worked up that he is going to go to work on the evening of the funeral and just leave me on my own. (it is his business and open evenings.) We have other issues too and I feel like if he can't help me at this time then what is the point? But I don't want to be unfair to him, if he is just unsure how to play this.
Long, sorry, hope you get the gist.

RubyRioja Fri 26-Sep-08 14:50:07

I would try to reserve judgement atm.

When my dad died, my husband coudl do no rigt. If he was upset, it was wrong becuase he could not be as sad as me. If he tried to be strong, he did not care. If he hugged me, he was not my dad and was crowding me, if he didnot he didn't care.

I am afraid you will feel dreadful for a while. No-one can make it better.

Sorry for your loss and take care.

midnightexpress Fri 26-Sep-08 14:54:07

Cathcat, so sorry to hear about your dad.

Does your DH generally find it difficult to talk about stuff? Some people (esp men) do find it difficult and maybe he doesn't know how to handle things with you?

I know it must be a terrible time for you, and that you feel he's not there for you, but try not to push him away - this is a time when you really need your friends and (especially) family around you. 'why should I make it easy for him, he should be stepping up to the plate' - you're right, of course, but it's not about 'making it easy for him' really. It's a weird, difficult, time when your world has shifted and it'll take time for everyone to know what to do for the best.

As Ruby says, try to be patient with him.

RubyRioja Fri 26-Sep-08 14:54:49

He also needs to be patient with you. I think a case of normal service will not be resumed for some time.

cathcat Fri 26-Sep-08 14:56:03

Yes, I think you are right that nothing he does will be right, or what I want him to do. I'll have to try not to take things out on him, even though he decided last night at 2.30 that he needed the bulb from my bedside lamp angry

Calm, calm smile

cathcat Fri 26-Sep-08 14:58:40

He does find talking about things very difficult. You would get more emotion out of a stone.
My friend died last year; he couldn't support me at all.
Our friend died in January; he never talked about it.
We have been having a great time of it recently.

OrmIrian Fri 26-Sep-08 15:00:33

Sorry cathcat sad

When FIL died, I did not know what to do. He didn't want to talk about it, he didn't want hugs, he didn't need practical advice as his stepmum was sorting that all out.

When you know what you want tell him. Please don't expect him to guess. Maybe he should be able to but he probably can't. Have you told him you want him at home after the funeral?

He may also be in state of shock too.

It takes time. Be gentle with yourself, and him.

LilRedWG Fri 26-Sep-08 15:02:54

Oh Cathcart - I'm so so sorry that you have lost your beloved Dad.

cathcat Fri 26-Sep-08 15:41:33

Thank you for your condolences. He was a lovely man.

MadreInglese Fri 26-Sep-08 15:46:44

So sorry about your dad cathcat sad

When I'm ever upset about something DP is totally crap at knowing how to comfort me or what to do, I think he is scared of upsetting me more. Men are not always as intuitive as women when it comes to comforting others, especially when it's a bereavement.

Talk to your DH, tell him how you're feeling and what you need him to do to support you at the moment, he may appreciate the clear instruction on what to do/not do.

mayorquimby Fri 26-Sep-08 16:04:04

i'dtake rubyrioja's advice on board.
when things like this happen others,even your closest loved ones or family, are in a bad situation with regards to how to act.
not nearly as bad as yours of course following your loss but i know for fact that when things like this happen in my family all i want to do is be left alone.even by my sister who i have a great relationship with, if she is trying to talk to me i feel like i'm being forced to interact.
then lo and behold, if she does what i want and does leave me alone i get all self pitying and vindicated in my pity by the fact that "no one cares".

"But I feel why should I make it easy for him, he should be stepping up to the plate."

i think this is a very telling line and as i said before one i totally understand. but when you are removed from the situation you can see how counter-productice.this shouldn't be a test or challenge for him or you or your relationship.

yousaidit Fri 26-Sep-08 16:11:44

If you dh isn't the emotional type, he's probably staying away from what he feels uncomfirtable with and a situation he doesn't really know what to do: plus, does he needs to keep a wage coming in, he might probably just be trying to keep daily routine going so you don't have to and can wander off and have a good sob or blanking out time while dh holds the fort at home? He might be conscious of being a yuseless clumsy oaf at this sort f thing so just blanking out or avoiding the matter altogether: why not just let hiom do things that aren't really major but help: ie, 'i'm off for a bath, i feel crap, could you bring me a huge mug of hot chocolate / huge glass of wine up in about 15b minutes?' issue big thanks and it sort of says thank you for littoe things and give hint he has been some minute sort of use?

Hassled Fri 26-Sep-08 16:12:08

Firstly I'm very sorry about your father. And the truth is that nothing your DH can do or say (or not do) will make anything better at the moment. I think unless you've experienced the death of a parent yourself you can't begin to imagine what it's like; I remember feeling livid with DH after my father died because a)both his parents are alive and well and b)nothing he could do would help. He was either doing too much or too little. I was furious with him because he didn't/couldn't understand how I was feeling. It's an awful time for you - just don't start brooding on whatever "other issues" you have now, while you're dealing with the first shock of bereavement.

FabNails Fri 26-Sep-08 18:13:22

So sorry for your loss.
My dad died in April and my DH was an absolutely rock for me, still is.
However, let me tell you that when his father died ten years ago I was so so useless and this is a massive regret to me. I could comfort my MIL but I just could not comfort DH. I can't tell you why, I just so wish things had been different. It was like there was a glass wall between us.
I second yousaidit's suggestions about making him feel useful and would suggest that you try to find a way to express to him that you will appreciate any support he can give. Even if you are on top of all your arrangements etc (as I was back in April) his quiet support and strength in the background will be priceless.

RubyRioja Fri 26-Sep-08 18:18:26

Good point hassled. I still give evil looks to multi-generational families on days out. Totally irrational I know

cathcat Fri 26-Sep-08 19:10:54

All good advice, thank you. I agree there is no point in counter productive behaviour.
Wish he was here to do the small things but he is not here today or tomorrow, me and DCs don't see him til Sunday. He doesn't even know how I am feeling or coping, he doesn't phone to ask.
He can't win; if he was here I would just be annoyed at him... sad

cathcat Fri 26-Sep-08 19:22:18

FLIP, I shall have to eat my words. He just phoned and has got a bit of time off tomorrow. Perhaps I should cut him some slack..! I feel better.

yousaidit Fri 26-Sep-08 20:12:58

Why not try to meet on some half way point? Give him hug, say thanks for getting time off, can he takebn kids out while you have a bit of time on own to sob and feel terrible and grieve without having to be wary of kids being upset seeing you: gives dh soimething useful to do without getting involved in the huggy touchy feely stuff he isn't comfortable with? Sorry about your dad, btw, hope you can get through your grief xx

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