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Can you give me and my mom some advice on the following ... :)

(15 Posts)
Rubysmom08 Fri 26-Sep-08 09:47:30

I'd really appreciate some advice on the following, I am going to send my mom this link as I think she will benefit from the advice and views you give.

My parents seperated when I was 18 after 30years of marriage. It was quite messy and due to my fathers alcoholism I went with my dad and I think my mom felt abandoned by this. I have always seen such strength in my mom, however there are times when I suspect this is little more than an act almost to protect herself from things. Therefore I appreciate leaving my mom on her own to face the break up of her marriage and loosing her family home as well as her children has always stayed with her.

Since then our relationship has always been quite volitile, maybe because we both have a lot of anger. Subsequently my father died in 2005 of alcoholism. For the last 18 months my relationship with my mom has been good however I wouldn't class it as a normal mother daughter relationship as I think we are both too frightened of falling out again and tend to walk on eggs shells.

Things that shouldn't upset us, do and we tend to read into things to much. I have a 8 month old daughter and my mom is brillant with her and I have to credit my parenting skills to her. I am currently having CBT treatment for anxiety since the birth of my daughter which is down to the fear of loss.

My mom has sent me a message this morning. I have been ill with a sickness bug for the last 24hrs and with a young daughter I felt dreadful, my husband was travelling back from Hertford and I was unable to feed my daughter as I was being ill every 20 mins so he called my mil to come round and sort Ruby out. My mom called me as she had been round earlier in the day and wanted to see if she was needed , I told her that mil was coming round and I could tell she was upset by this slightly. The message I received this morning moved me to get some advice as she said she is finding it difficult to share me at the moment and it is making her angry.

I can understand this but also understand that it is a problem. I do find my mother in law hard work but this is part of the reason I am seeking help myself as my anxiety was based quite a lot around her and I do find it hard to spend time around her.

I also sometimes that my mom is envious of the time I spend with my mother in law, I know she doesn't want to feel like this but can understand it in a way. I may be wrong about this point though.

I would really appreiate some advice on this please.

Rubysmom08 Fri 26-Sep-08 10:04:04


Rubysmom08 Fri 26-Sep-08 10:16:07


NotQuiteCockney Fri 26-Sep-08 10:18:44

I'm not sure what advice you're looking for here. It's understandable that your mum feels envious (or left out) when you spend time with your MIL without her (you couldn't see both at once? you couldn't let your mother help, too?).

Is your mother talking about her feelings, or acting them out?

And do you mean, you went with your dad at the divorce, because he was alcoholic and needed help? shock How old were you? This must have been horrible for everyone involved.

NotQuiteCockney Fri 26-Sep-08 10:20:53

I'm also a little weirded out by the 'I'm going to show my mom this thread' thing - you may not want to. Would she be happy to know you were discussing her envy of your MIL with everyone? If the situation is volatile, I can't see this helping!

Oh, and I see now that you were 18. Were you clear with your mom about why you were going with your dad? I bet she needed your support, and you needed hers. What was your relationship like before that? Have you considered Al Anon or similar?

Rubysmom08 Fri 26-Sep-08 10:34:43

The message she sent me went as follows;

glad you are feeling a bit better it's hard for me to see you suffer and hard for me to accept that other people can look after you. I am getting worse at sharing you I think I may need to go and see the doctor as I am feeling angry all the time. I not sure whether it is the menopause either I am going to make an appointment. Love you xx

I am 7 weeks pregnant and my mom came round yesterday as I was feeling very sick, she bought me ginger tea and biscuits and I was sick just before she left but aI seemed better and put it down to morning sickness, about an hour later I was sick and then again every 20 mins until 2am. My dh called me on his way home and because I was in tears he rang his mom and she came round. It wasn't my choice but I needed some one to help me with dd as my dh would be home very late.

I wanted to get some advice for my mom as well as me , I am not discussing her envy and I did say that may be not what it is, we have tried bringing my mil and mom together and they get on very well, but my mil behaviour since my dd was born has caused me a lot of anxiety, I know it is mainly hormonal but I have confided in my mom about some of things that have happened which I suppose brings out her protective side.. for example the kind of things my mil are; I told her I was pregnant and that after having my HCGs done (I have had previous ectopics for referred to epu) they came back very high indicating twins, and she said that her brothers twins died at 24 weeks, in my honest opinon that isn't the best thing to say to a pregnant woman, this is what she is like, so I don't like her company if I am honest but I am ploghing on.

As for my father he was very dependent on me and I was very young, it was hard caring for someone which such a severe illness.

I won't shoe my mom this thread now as I don't think I have been as clear as I could of

NotQuiteCockney Fri 26-Sep-08 11:45:40

It sounds like she's dealing with her emotions well, tbh. Seeing the doctor, or maybe a therapist, sounds like a good idea.

Look, your mom 'lost' you to you dad when they divorced, right? You getting married was probably hard for her? And now to see you (appear to?) choose your MIL over her must really remind her of you choosing your dad.

Your MIL sounds wearying and tiresome, in a garden-variety-MIL sort of way.

Did you have any help (professional? family?) caring for your father? Do you have any siblings?

Rubysmom08 Fri 26-Sep-08 12:51:21

what does garden- variety mean?

My father was in and out of rehab for about 3 years which I insigated because of how poorly he was. I have one sister who I looked after too she is 4 years younger than me.
At the time I was on auto pilot and didn't stop to think about the implications on my own health and relationships, when you see someone who you love dearly very ill it is hard to thinkof anythng else especially when my mother seemd like she was coping fine.

I understand why my mom is feeling the way she is and I have a lot of guilt about leaving her to go wih my dad but in my defence what else could I have done, left my dad who was clearly reaching out when my mother wasn't in such a direct way?

Mom was very happy when I got married and she has since re-married herself. I never choose my mil over her it was my dh who made the call and if i am honest I felt so terrible I didn't care who came to help.

My mom lives 16 miles away whereas my mil lives 5 mins round the corner, I know how it probably looks but I the purpose of this post was to see if I could get some advice for my mom

NotQuiteCockney Fri 26-Sep-08 13:17:47

I mean, she sounds like a typical MIL, it's normal to struggle a bit with one's MIL.

Did your sister stay with your dad, too, then? Did your mom want you and your sister to live with her?

It sounds like a horrible horrible situation for you to have been in, guilt and obligation in every direction! The choice you made was hard for you, and made lots of people miserable, but choosing the other way would have also made people miserable.

I know you didn't choose your MIL over your mum (hence me saying 'appear to') - but to your mum, I bet it felt like you did.

I don't think you did anything wrong (either when your parents divorced or more recently)! I think your mom sounds like she's ready to sort out her emotions a bit - therapy sounds like a good start. Her GP may just put her on anti-depressants, I'm not sure what they do in these sorts of situations.

Al Anon might be able to provide you and her some support for what you went through ...

agooboo Fri 26-Sep-08 17:58:19

Hey Rubysmum08 - I'm totally with you on this. I have a very similar relationship with my mum (my dad is still alive but they are divorced). I really feel for you.
It sounds like your mum wants your attention and doesn't want anyone else mothering you. The message she sent you is (i think) a cry for attention and to make you feel bad so you will go to her and give her the attention she wants.
My mum does weired things to get attention like at my DS birthday party yesterday she went and stood in kitchen on her own for AGES - it is all for attention.
I too am early pregnant (6 weeks) and have just finished CBT for certain reasons i wont go into now. your hormones may be all over the place and things seem worse than they are.
You must remember that although you are still her daughter she doesn't own you and I think it was wrong of her to say that she didn't like sharing you.
I too walk on egg shells with my mum and it is really hard - do you spend your time wondering if you have upset her? wondering if she is going to be in a mood with you? what you have done wrong?!
I think you should chat to her about how you feel. Very hard to do but it might make her realise how you feel.

agooboo Fri 26-Sep-08 18:02:40

keep your chin up x

Rubysmom08 Fri 26-Sep-08 18:16:40

NotQuite- thank you for your posts, it is such a difficult situation, I love my mom and I don't like that she harbours so many troubles. I will have a chat with her about alnon, I used alnon while my father was alive and actually donations from his funeral went there as they helped me a lot.

Agooboo- I think I will have a more adult chat with her, I just think sometimes I am my own worst enemy and should just ride the storm. I had a real issue about leaving my dd with my mil but I did and now realise there was no issue at all. Have left her with mom as well, but for my dh 30th we were only going down the road from where my mom lives so after asking her a few weeks earlier whether Ruby could stay with her I suggested that me and dh would come back to their house after our night out as my dh gets up for work really early usually so weekend mornings are precious to him. She went absolutely berserc and cancelled. She then rang my dh this week and asked him if he had a problem with her looking after Ruby. Now I don't mind my mom having contact with my dh but I thought we had sorted this out when it blew up, she thought that my dh was spiting her as I didn't like leaving dd with mil- this wasn't the case.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do for the best x

agooboo Fri 26-Sep-08 18:33:05

Did she go mad because she thought that you were staying at her house because your DH didn't want her to look afetr Ruby?
Mums are funny creatures and yes maybe you are right - just ride it out and let her have her outbursts etc. That's what I do with my mum - otherwise there will be a massive blow up and I don't cope very well with falling out with her. And what drives me insane is that I can't remember once in my life when she has apologised first.
Can you vent your anger to your DH? Or on here - I don't mind! Then at least you can relieve your stress and avoid confrontation with her.

As for MIL - this may sound odd but I didn't used to get on with mine and my mum loved this - she liked the fact that we didn't get on. Now we have a good relationship as I have learned to trust her and talk to her rather than whinge about her to DH. My mum I think is a bit jealous of the relationship but TBH I find I can talk to MIL better than Mum because there is no anxiety involved, no stress of worrying about upsetting her by saying the slightest thing iykwim.

Sometimes it's not worth the hassle is it?!
BTw are you on the Due in May2009 thread?

PortAndLemon Fri 26-Sep-08 18:40:27

Have you thought about getting some family therapy for you and your mother to work through your issues with an experienced professional therapist/counsellor?

Rubysmom08 Fri 26-Sep-08 19:29:02

Agooboo I am yes, thank you for your advice and hopefully stay in touch through the anenatal thread x

Thanks portandlemon, I'll have a look

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