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separating

(6 Posts)
mylifeisamess Fri 26-Sep-08 02:52:44

I posted a few weeks back about my husbands affair. We have (or rather he has) decided the marriage is over and we are separating. There are times when I feel ok - can look at the good things we had and think of the future but most of the time I'm just terrified and so upset with a real physical pain. I'm scared of the money (we had specific plans for childrens schooling and so on which I just can't see fulfilling now) and scared of what it will do to out boys (10,8 and 3) But mostly its the pain I'm struggling with - it catches unawares and at times overwhelms me. Thing is although I have some lovely friends and family I don't feel I can call them at 2am or whenever it gets on top of me and I can't let the children see so when I'm feeling really shit I feel desperately alone and even at times that I don't want to get through this. These thought terrify me but I don't think I would do anything.

I didn't realise there was anything wrong.

Not sure what I'm asking for really.

PrimroseHall Fri 26-Sep-08 03:06:22

I'm so sorry. I've no experience of this really but couldn't read your thread and not post.

I'm separated from my DS's father too, although under different circumstances. I understand about the money worries that go with becoming a single parent. I feel angry sometimes, although our split was amicable, that our financial plans (well, dreams mostly) won't happen now, and I hate struggling just to get by now.

I know how you feel about having sympathetic friends but not being able to call them at all hours, when sometimes that's when you need their support the most.

I hope someone else comes along to help soon. Otherwise bump this up in the morning. Take care xx

mumoverseas Fri 26-Sep-08 05:37:34

I'm so sorry to read what you are going through mylifeisamess.
On a practical level, you need to see a Solicitor. He or she will hopefully be able to reassure you a little with regards to your financial situation. As you have 3 children who will presumably reside with you your husband will have to support you financially and hopefully you will get to stay in your house. Your solicitor will also be able to advise you what is best for you, ie a separation agreement or whether to go ahead with a divorce. Hopefully once you've been fully informed of where you stand legally you will feel a little better.
On a personal level, have you thought about seeing a counsellor? It may help. I saw a counseller a few years back after the end of a long term relationship and it really helped. When I started seeing here I thought there was no way forward and couldn't see how I could be happy again. I've just celebrated my 3rd wedding anniversary with my wonderful 'new' husband and we are expectin our second baby in February. there is life at the end of the tunnel. If you feel you can't phone friends at 2am hopefully there is always someone on here.
Good luck x

ambercat Fri 26-Sep-08 11:49:05

I could have written your post word for word!

My h left 6 months ago and we still haven't told the kids (8,7&3) as he works away so much they haven't noticed he's "gone". we will tell them in dec when he's around for a few weeks and help me deal with the fall out.

I didn't realise there was anything wrong eithersad it hurts so much doesn't it?. Feel like i could deal with this mess so much better if he had talked to me before having the affair and told me how unhappy he was with me, then we could have tried to make it work and go to relate etc, if it didn't work then i could cope so much better with the end of our marriage, at least we would have tried!.

Things wiil get better mylifeisamess, they have to! 6 months on for me and i do have days when i feel happy and positive, i still cry most days but nowhere near as much. How long has it been since you found out?

Remember you are not alone, there are loads of us on here going through similar, when i feel low i look through all th threads about affairs and marriage break ups and it make me feel less isolated. (makes depressing reading tbh but at least its not just me!)
Keep posting xx

mylifeisamess Fri 26-Sep-08 14:01:20

Thanks. I am doing the practical stuff solicitor and so on but its sometimes feels insoluble - every budget I do seems to look worse. I'm the worker so I'm worried how much harder I will have to work (and I already work bloody hard) to fund this. Had planned fee paying for oour children but I just can't get enough out of the budget now and I think its so wrong to to do that to ds- I mean everythingh says to keep children out of the finances but given how negative ex has been about local schools I can't see how we can eplian this away without telling the truth. Please don't think I am greedy as I am well aware that my past lifestyle was fabuluos and it is going to change but whilst I don't have a problem eating mince and wearing vintage I do have a problem selling that to the children without giving them an explanation.

The emotional stuff is dreadful; all pervasive. Like you say ambercat if he had let me know how unhappy he was I feel we could have tried. The way he spins it is that he did and that I was aware - but I honestly wasn't.

I am speaking to a life coach my sister recomended but have to say not really sure there is much point.

I suppose it is chin up and get on.

It does help to know I'm not alone but why the chuff are men and ow so selfish?

honeyandlemon Fri 26-Sep-08 22:21:36

Couldn't not post here. I was in the same situation as you, and there is no point saying it will be easy. But...6 years on I have packed up my job, am self employed, putting my (3) children through the (fee-paying) schools we had planned. The ex has been a pain, and sometimes still is, but I don't have time to think about it!! Not saying this is necessarily right for you - but my advice would be:
1. Make sure you have a really good solicitor
2. Do nothing in a hurry - everyone will give you advice (sell the house/don't sell the house etc) but you will know when the time is right if you need to make a change
3. Its easier for your ex to blame you - don't take on all the guilt on this. In my case (although he had the affairs) we were both 'at fault'.
4. The life coach idea is good - mine was great. Gave really practical tips, and didn't ask unhelpful questions like "how do you feel".
5. Be kind to yourself.

The lifestyle one is interesting. I found the finances really hard going (and we had been quite well off) but I enjoyed the challenge - and when I could afford something, I valued it much more!!

I think although you are having a horrible time, you also sound very together as well. Happy to try and help in any way if I can.

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