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I have got to get this man out of my head

(12 Posts)
thismuststop Wed 24-Sep-08 19:06:34

He is a colleague and friend. We spend a fair amount of time together (usually in a group) and have known each other for years without any issues at all.

But, the last 2 months, I just can't stop thinking about him and I look forward to going to work in a way that is wholly unnatural. I don't really think about him sexually, but look forward to being in his company - he makes me laugh.

There is absolutely no question of there ever being anything real between us, we are both in long marriages with children and Ok so you have ups and downs, but there is really nothing so wrong that I would consider putting what I have at home at risk, so how do I force myself to stop thinking about him?

I have a very good part-time job - I earn 5 times what my friends doing the usual mums' p/t jobs do, so it's not as simple as finding another job.

Elasticwoman Wed 24-Sep-08 19:31:46

I wouldn't recommend changing your job anyway, because this can happen in any job or none.

It is normal to like other people, even when you are in a long and stable marriage.

Don't worry about what you may think or feel in private. That hurts no one. If you think you are at risk of overstepping the boundaries, make sure you are never alone with him.

thismuststop Wed 24-Sep-08 19:41:14

Thanks Elastic - it's not that I think there's a risk - there is absolutely no risk at all - I just couldn't do it, but it's driving me mad to have him in my head all the time. I can't apply myself to anything. It's worse than when I was a teenager FGS. (or maybe that was so long ago I don't remember what it was like grin )

offtoseethewizard Wed 24-Sep-08 19:41:46

Enjoy it (the attraction) it will make work more interesting, you feel attractive and will probably fizzle out in time. (Just ensure you keep the fantasy entirely to yourself)

thismuststop Wed 24-Sep-08 19:59:31

That's the thing wizard - I'm not sure there really is any attraction, more like a bloody obsession. Feels like I'm losing my mind.

ActingNormal Wed 24-Sep-08 21:33:09

Maybe if you relax about your thoughts and don't give yourself a hard time about them they will become less 'invasive'. Trying to stop yourself thinking about it might be making it worse. There is nothing wrong with thinking/fantasising and you said yourself you would never act on it. If you think you may be in danger of acting on it, like someone else said, just don't be alone with him and maybe don't drink alcohol around him.

Don't give up your job because, like someone else said this could happen in any job or any area of your life, especially if you are prone to it at the moment because of your life stage, maybe been with the same DH for ages and subconsciously looking for excitement or could be hormonal - I know my hormones have gone crazy since age 35 and I've often felt I could grab a man of the street grin. (I wouldn't)

sparkybabe Wed 24-Sep-08 21:43:25

I do this all the time - fantasise about random men I know, it helps when I am lying awake at night! I have full-blown dramas in my head, and usually by week 2-3 of every night I have worked through every scenario (with me in the heroine lead), and I move on to the next guy who takes my eye. Could be anyone really, off the TV, working on the house, even one of the dads who picks up from school. He's only ever said hello to me, but you would not beleive what I've done to him at night!

<licks lips>

Obviously I'm not gettting much in RL either sad

thismuststop Wed 24-Sep-08 22:21:02

Hmm - Acting - I 'm am more or less the same age as you.....Things with DH are good, actually, after a bit of a dry spell wink

abouteve Wed 24-Sep-08 22:30:43

If its not sexual attraction then I wouldn't worry about it too much. It may fizzle out, try to keep your mind off him.

I think a little bit of harmful flirtation at work is normal and makes going in to work bearable, similar to having a good mate at work that you cannot wait to offload what's been happening in life away from work.

If you are both happily in relationships then no danger really.

I have this with someone and we are both single!! Hey, I think, sometimes but then take a step back and realise that we have to get along anyway and if he was interested he would ask me out. Again not a real sexual attraction but he ticks the boxes.

Elasticwoman Wed 24-Sep-08 23:29:29

Another way to take your mind of this or any other obsession is to take up Su Do Ku.

gagamama Thu 25-Sep-08 11:14:04

It sounds stupid but I would just keep thinking about him and it'll fizzle out eventually when you run out of things to 'think'. If he's not giving you anything in return to fuel your thoughts any further then in my experience soon enough it will stop being exciting to think about him all the time and in turn he will be less exciting.

Pushpinia Thu 25-Sep-08 11:24:53

IME I think it will gradually fizzle.

I was very attracted to a friend - he's the husband half of a couple I know.

I like them both but he would call or text and arrange to see me and we'd meet with our children, often without the woman. (It was just practicality, not deliberate - but I was never quite sure what he was doing)

I felt excited about him for a while and was quite worried that it was slipping into dangerous territory - not that anything would have happened, I'd have refused to allow it - but then there were a few times when he phoned his wife when we were out somewhere, or texted her, or wanted me to do them both a favour about something and I realised that he had her and me and that at the end of the day, they went home together and I had nobody. It made me a bit angry actually that he took this emotional connection we had, and used it when it suited him but when I was lonely or needed a friend, he was often busy or at home with his wife and family, so I didn't want to intrude.

I think this sounds ridiculous as it is almost like I expected something more from him - and we were just friends - but it made me see that I was not 'special' and he had already chosen the woman he really wanted so to let myself get carried away thinking those kind of thoughts - however much of a distant fantasy it was - was just stupid.

I'm not sure if that helps but it helped me distance myself. Now I don't think about him more than about once a month if that - well only to feel guilty that I don't see either of them very much any more.

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