dh leaving not sure what to do

[fairygirl3]

Dh has been saying for a few days that he not happy &thinks it might be better if we split up,arguing,we have talks say what not happy with but nothing seems to change.Anyway last night talked a bit & me calling his bluff said maybe a trial seperation would be a good idea,he spends half week here (when need him for childcare)& rest of week away.he was still undecided when spoke to him earlier so i lost it & told him i was feed up with waiting for him & to stick the seperation & just split & hung phone up.Am p*ssed off ,we are going on holiday in 4 days which is also when my ds birthday is.I dont know if this is for the best or i should try &back track & offer the half week thing again,all i can think about is how gutted the kids are going to be & ruining their holiday they have waited years for.

[CountessDracula]

He is leaving after only being unhappy for a few days Not giving it much of a chance to talk or discuss a way forward is he? Or are you for that matter.

What are you both unhappy with?

I think calling his bluff is playing a dangerous game. You should retract that if you didn't mean it

[CountessDracula]

I mean I presume you just said it because you are unable to communicate how you feel but you need him to see how unhappy you are

[singyswife]

I wouold go on the holiday it will either make or break the relationship. Is there somewehre you can leave the kids ( kids club etc) to allow you both to have a 'date' when you are away. Hope you sort it out soon.

[Tanee58]

Fairygirl, was telling him to split a kneejerk reaction to his indecision? How long has he felt unhappy for? If only a few days, as you say, this seems a bit extreme. If for longer, and you have only just talked about it, it seems extreme to talk about trial separations, and the fact that he didn't say yes or no immediately, shows that he needs to think about it. It's a big thing, leaving aside the holiday issue, which shouldn't really come into it.

What are you both unhappy about? My reaction is not to say 'go' but to say 'stay, let's talk'. If that doesn't work, consider Relate - my DP and I have some issues and am finding it useful as you can talk about what's upsetting you in a position of safety, with a counsellor present. Splitting up is such a quick fix, and will leave you both with so many unresolved issues.

or do you really not even like him any more?

[fairygirl3]

i said it because i was being defensive (immature)& feeling that if he was going to leave would rather he just went ,then me being drained by the whole i love you /please stay while he makes his mind up &then goes anyway,trying to save my self some of the humiliation .We had a bad patch about 6 months ago and discussed going to relate etc as i feel we dont communicate well,i feel he sulks is very childish comes out with teenage strops like "so,and,"to any questions i ask him,he feels i nag him.I feel a lot of this relates to the fact he smokes pot(only once a week he says but i think its more)which makes him either up or down with his moods no inbetween.
no chance of time alone on holiday we are going to eurodisney,i cant cancel,so i either take him to please the kids but dont know if i will be able to control my emotions or dont take him,upset the kids & have the whole being away as a single parent situATion which frightens me.

[CountessDracula]

Sounds like you both need to learn how to communicate

Try relate

[fairygirl3]

staying half a week was an idea cause then i thought we could both see what it would be like away from each other/have time to think but at the same time be able to keep things semi normal for the kids/me keeping my job.i wonder if i can really live with him for them few days a week being close but not being a proper couple it would be so upsetting & i feel i would start shutting off/closing down so not to get hurt,so we wouldnt be able to solve anything anyway.
the holiday is an issue as we are due to go on sunday,are we going as two parents who have split up or 2 people trying to w
ork things out which i think will be impossible whilst there as wont have any time alone to talk.
i still love him very much but he is right that things are not great at the moment

[Tanee58]

Please try Relate. It sounds like you are playing mother/son roles where you come across as the cross disapproving parent, and he reacts by being the stroppy teenager. You both need to learn how to communicate as equals and adults. Phone them asap - they may be able to give you an initial appt before you go on hols, or straight after, which will help clear the air.

And maybe you and he will be able to just enjoy the Disney experience, knowing that you are both taking positive action .

[fairygirl3]

you are so right tanee i say that to him that i feel like his mum & i dont want to be like that ,i want him to be like we were equal partners,someone i know that is by my side looking out for me /caring & i feel like we have just got stuck in these roles mother/child & we need to learn how to communicate deal with things better.Ive suggested relate before & he was not interested ,says its not his thing,but i think i will go to bookshop tom & have a look for a relationship book which we could both read maybe that will give us some ideas/techniques.It was a knee jerk reaction & writting it down now it does seem a stupid thing to do but was just trying to protect myself but i think now its probably worth the upset of trying the half week thing ,at least then i know i have given things my best shot,i just think i will spend the holiday in tears thinking about being with out him,thanks for your advice.