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I'm so sad for my DH that MIL is dying and doing everything I can for him...but personally, I feel rather blase about it all...anyone else feel like me?

(15 Posts)
PussinJimmyChoos Tue 23-Sep-08 20:13:01

A bit of background first: MIL is from overseas...when I married DH, she gave me hell - I wasn't allowed to vist for years, I was kept a secret from the rest of the family on her wishes. DH had to go hom alone to see her and any time a family member or friend called DH, I had to be quiet so they didn't twig he was married. All of our holidays have never been more than 7days as he had to save his time off for visiting her and we had to keep the holidays secret so she didn't moan at him for not taking all his time off to come and see him.

When she finally consented to meet me, things improved a great deal and the last few years have been fine, with her visiting and me going over there - first time I was pg and second two times with DS. I've never held a grudge and have been nothing but nice to her and actually treat her better than some members of her family and do everything to see to her needs.

Now, we found out on Sunday that she has weeks to live. DH is flying out there as soon as he can, alone as its better for DS not to be there - unless of course she asks for him.

I'm so sad for DH but all the old memories have just flooded back and personally I'm just 'meh' about it all and am horrified I feel like this. DH doesn't have any idea I feel like this and am keeping it all to myself and just being strong for him and saying all the right things but inside I'm kind of like, whatever... I don't want to feel like this...am some kind of uber bitch!

sad

OneLieIn Tue 23-Sep-08 20:14:14

I think you are just fine, as long as you keep it to yourself. grin

RhinestoneCowgirl Tue 23-Sep-08 20:18:00

Puss - you're not an uber-bitch! MIL/DIL relationship is tricky at the best of times, not surprised you're feeling conflicted.

Just keep on supporting DH.

EffiePerine Tue 23-Sep-08 20:21:05

You don't have to like her just because she is ill. Your job is to support your DH and it sounds like you're doing fine

PussinJimmyChoos Tue 23-Sep-08 20:21:43

Glad I've got mnet to offload....

Its all so bleugh though..he could be gone for weeks..am shitting myself at thought of coping... I'm going to my mums for a few weeks at least to give me some breathing space and support (no family where I live) but beyond that....<wibble>

RhinestoneCowgirl Tue 23-Sep-08 20:22:44

MIL went through treatment for breast cancer about 2 years ago, like you I was sad for DH, but it didn't stop her being my irritating MIL...

Dropdeadfred Tue 23-Sep-08 20:23:10

why are you going to your mums??

RhinestoneCowgirl Tue 23-Sep-08 20:23:37

Puss - you're always welcome to come over to mine for cake

PussinJimmyChoos Tue 23-Sep-08 20:26:07

Rhinstone - thank you - I may take you up on that smile

Fred- am on standby in case she asks for DS, in which case I'll go over there with him. No point sitting on my tod at home when can go to mums!

PussinJimmyChoos Tue 23-Sep-08 20:26:09

Rhinstone - thank you - I may take you up on that smile

Fred- am on standby in case she asks for DS, in which case I'll go over there with him. No point sitting on my tod at home when can go to mums!

MrsBates Tue 23-Sep-08 20:32:04

I think you are not a bitch of any kind, you just didn't have a great relationship with her, even if it has been better in recent years. You are supporting your husband and have places like this to be honest about your own feelings at a time you couldn't share them at home. When my MIL died some of what I felt was a form of relief and I really did wrestle with whether that made me a really nasty character. I was so sorry for my husband and his siblings and for all the grandchildren though and did a lot to help. I had developed a mutually respectful relationship with her, which took a long time and even moments of real fondness. But I didn't love her. My own mum had died 6 months before and the difference was huge. Although strangely I didn't cry at my mum's funeral - was was hosting it and making a speech etc. BUt cried a lot at my MILs. Partly from witnessing my husband's grief and partly a delayed reaction of my own. You are doing it all right - don't feel bad at all.

PussinJimmyChoos Tue 23-Sep-08 21:05:11

MrsBates - thank you for being so honest...I think there is a part of me that is feeling a form of relief too which I am really really struggling with and having serious doubts about my character! Its very similar to you in many ways really - mutual relationship with moments of fondness but I guess deep down, although I say to DH I love her - I don't.

MrsBates Tue 23-Sep-08 22:26:15

No problem. I do miss her though - even the occasional locking horns and circling around territory stuff. But I still have to bite my tongue sometimes - it was only two years ago and my husband loved her of course. Also, I guess she raised a man I love and thanks to her in part, I have my fantastic children so that makes it easier to steer the course between saying what I really feel about some of her characteristics and valuing her memory. Good luck over the next few weeks and put your energy in helping the people you do love through dealing with it all. I'm on here far too much so come back if you start doubting yourself and I'll be around.

AnnasBananas Wed 24-Sep-08 22:16:42

I'm a bit confused about your post...why did your DH not stick up for you??? Why on earth would he have to pretend he wasn't married? I don't understand.

Just support your DH, if you never had a close relationship with her it's normal you won't feel emotional about her diagnosis.

PussinJimmyChoos Thu 25-Sep-08 12:35:27

He's from the Middle East and because I'm English and at the time, Christian, his mum was in a total flap about what the family would think so she wanted it all kept a secret. Half the family guessed anyway as they aren't stupid and most of them are very accepting and didn't give a fig about it all - it was all in her bloody head and I copped it.

Its getting very very stressful now. DH is having visa problems due to not doing his national service so he's waiting for the ok before he flies out there and the atmosphere is awful. I don't feel I can say anything about the normal day to day stuff as he's all oh my mum is dying or 'oh I've got a lot on my plate' and I'm thinking yes but you know, stuff still has to be done - I work part time, I do all the cooking, cleaning etc so its not as if he has that much to do anyway!

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