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Do you ever feel frustrated at being left to hold baby while DH goes off to work?

(49 Posts)
Abi12 Tue 23-Sep-08 18:16:35

I have a really good relationship with DH - but I can't help feeling really angry when he is late back from work and I end up holdling the baby for 12-14 hours. I know it could be so much more difficult if I was single but my 11 week old DS is suffering with colic and takes medican for reflux which upsets him and sometimes I feel so irritated that he is out the house for so long. DH thinks it is a normal amount of time to be left with baby but it doesn't make it any easier! Does anyone else feel a bit isolated and alone?

NorthernLurker Tue 23-Sep-08 18:22:50

First baby right? Well I certainly found that dh and I had this sort of power struggle thing going on in the first year and I haven't met anyone who hasn't tbh. I used to sterilise dd1's bowl every night (why???) and if dh got into bed without doing it I used to make him get up and go and do it. We had quite a lot of rows over 'baby's bowl' and he still mentions it now hmm grin I now think I was totally unreasonable but it's hard to see straight when you're spending all your time with a small person you love to bits but whose motives and desires are frequently a total mystery to you! Sounds like you are at a normal but hard stage of the mothering marathon. Getting out and meeting other mums will really help - find a group to go to if you aren't already. Your local NCT will run coffee mornings and you don't have to be a member to go. or your HV can help you find somewhere. Good Luck.

JuneBugJen Tue 23-Sep-08 18:24:30

Perhaps you would prefer to go to work instead? How about discussing with DH about splitting childcare and doing part time?

BabyBaby123 Tue 23-Sep-08 18:27:40

just make sure you get out the house each day - there's not a lot else you can do - other than going back to work part time = like you said, it could be worse you may have no dh coming home at all - sorry to sound un sympathetic but that's the reality for a lot of mothers.

Abi12 Tue 23-Sep-08 18:30:29

Your right NorthernLurker - it would do me good to make some friends that are home with babys - all my friends work. You know your bowl situation - I do more or less the same thing with DS's medican spoon!

JuneBugJen - I would love to go back to work and it would be great to split childcare but unfortunatley DH earns more than 5 times as much as me so financially its not very viable at the moment.

JuneBugJen Tue 23-Sep-08 18:33:37

Oh. How about having a bit of childcare anyway once a week or so so that you can just get out of the house and let your brain breathe!!

MrsTittleMouse Tue 23-Sep-08 18:38:52

I don't feel that way, but my DD is now much older than your DS. I certainly found it much harder when DD was a baby, and it was all a bit relentless, especially as DD was a dreadful sleeping.
It does get easier, I promise, when the baby gets older and more settled. Have you joined any groups or classes? Did you meet anyone at antenatal class? Could you join something like the NCT? Meeting other women was a lifesaver for me (especially as we kept moving when I was pregnant and when DD was little).

Abi12 Tue 23-Sep-08 18:40:56

That sounds fantastic - even if it was just for a morning a week! I would be happy just to stay in the house and do the washing up or have a long bath or shower. At the moment I cant put the baby down for long as he gets such bad reflux and it makes my back ache!! I didn't think about someone else looking after him as he's so little.

bademployeur Tue 23-Sep-08 18:41:00

Oh yes I very clearly remember that in the early days, when he left the house I had an incredible urge to open the door and run up the street screaming "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THE BABY!"

It is HARD HARD work but it does get easier, I promise.

JuneBugJen Tue 23-Sep-08 18:43:38

Right. Call the local nurseries or recommended childminders and get it booked. 12 weeks isnt too early to be left just for a bit of time. Most people who have parents etc near get that help all the time. Have you relatives nearby? (Although IMO parents wont commit for a regular babysitting slot which sounds like what you need!)

Abi12 Tue 23-Sep-08 18:48:09

MrsTittleMouse - I haven't joined anywhere yet as the baby cries fairly consistently because of his problem with reflux - we are waiting to see if the new medican he's been prescribed does any better than the last suff. As soon as the reflux gets better I will go out and meet some other mums.

Bademployeur - I have to stop myself from phoning him and demanding he comes home to help me - I also have to remind myself that it was my idea to have a baby!!

Abi12 Tue 23-Sep-08 18:51:12

JuneBugJen - My parents live a long way away and the DH's parents both work full time, do you know if you can review how good nurserys or childminders are from parents who use them? I don't want to leave him with someone I'm not 100% confident in?

BabyBaby123 Tue 23-Sep-08 18:54:29

sorry but why leave an 11 week old when you don't really need to?? How many hours are you talking here?

MrsTittleMouse Tue 23-Sep-08 18:54:38

I know that it's really really hard, but if you can I would get out and try to meet other Mums now. It's hard if you have a baby that doesn't settle, but the chances are that you will meet someone going through the same thing, which is always helpful. I realised that one of the worst things for me was the isolation and lack of adult company.

The other of course being the constant noise and constant attention that she needed and the chronic sleep deprivation. grin

JuneBugJen Tue 23-Sep-08 18:57:10

The baby would be older than that when you find someone to look after them (say a few weeks older). It sounds as though you wouldnt get much help from PIL and parents and it does sounds like you welcomed the idea of some respite so that is why I reckoned some childcare.

Ask around at mum and babies groups for recommendations. I'm sure there would be plenty of mums who know someone who could give you some time (say even 3 hours) so you could just have your hair done even!

kittywise Tue 23-Sep-08 19:02:10

When ds1 was very little he screamed constantly. I didn't know what was wrong with him. I was alone all day but did go out with friends from ante natal classes. We would go out to have coffee and their babies sat and gurgled and mine screamed.

It made me weep with tiredness and frustration.

What I am trying to say is GO OUT and meet other mums BECAUSE your baby is screaming. These other mums were a Godsend for me. They took him off me for 5-10 mins say ( screaming of course) just so that I could get a little relief.

Abi12 Tue 23-Sep-08 19:04:50

MrsTittleMouse - I will go out and meet some other mums - it will be nice to talk to someone in the day who actually speaks back!

JuneBugJen- Thanks for your help - I'd never even thought about getting anyone to look after him for a few hours to give me a break - I think things will get much better once I get out and about properly.

MrsTittleMouse Tue 23-Sep-08 19:06:59

Sorry, I don't want to nag. I just remember all too well what it was like in those early weeks.

Abi12 Tue 23-Sep-08 19:08:03

Kittywise - I know your right but the idea of going out with him and him screaming scares me! Once he starts he doesn't stop - sometimes I have to walk around the house with him for 5-6 hours and every time I go to put him down he screams again. He must have a fantastic pair of lungs! I will go out and meet new mums though - to save my sanity!

Abi12 Tue 23-Sep-08 19:09:37

MrsTittleMouse - your aren't nagging - you're helping and it's much appreciated.

ephrinedaily Tue 23-Sep-08 19:15:10

I have a baby with fairly severe reflux and would agree with what everybody else says -don't wait till the reflux gets better (I would have been waiting until now, although he got much better at 5 months!). Yes our babies scream more (and more loudly, strangely enough) but no-one cares, especially mums who've already got toddlers who can make much more of a scary look-at-me racket in their tantrums.

And you'll be the one everyone feels sorry for which was nice cos I got lots of tea brought to me .You will not be bothered about DH going to work when you're going to meet your mates with your fat happy smiley six month old. Anyway well done to you for having your head screwed on enough to be on the internet, I was still at the 'cry when your baby cries' stage at 11 weeks.

JuneBugJen Tue 23-Sep-08 19:20:27

Agree with getting out and about - a baby's cry is so much easier to cope with when they are in a sling or pram! Don't stay in the house when they are being like that, its just a quick step away from going gaga. Screaming for 6 hours in your ear = quick road to insanity!

I speak as someone whos dd had reflux and no real PIL or parent help. It just wasnt the same having DH 'taking the baby off me' at the weekend as I felt strangely guilty about being able to relax when the dd was in the house but not being looked after by me. Wasn't the same with ds2 though, I would drop kick both their tiny arses into my DH arms as soon as he was around!!

Abi12 Tue 23-Sep-08 19:21:54

Ephrinedaily - Its fantastic to think that my baby will be a fat happy baby one day soon! Maybe one day instead of feeling lucky to get out of the house DH will feel miffed whilst I swan off to another coffee morning lol!

Abi12 Tue 23-Sep-08 19:24:52

JuneBugJen - Thats the most annoying thing - when DH is here to take the babe I say 'oh no, don't worry, I'll take him' because I feel like he's been out at work all day and its not fair to push the baby one him! Talk about perverse!

JuneBugJen Tue 23-Sep-08 19:29:08

That's EXACTLY how I felt when DH offered!!! That was why I suggested a third party to look after ds for a bit as you end up feeling guilty and neglectful if you 'palm' them off on DH at the weeked or evening.

Don't worry though...that will soon disappear along with the reflux smile

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