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My mother ran off with my boyfriend, will i ever trust again?

(42 Posts)
MrsParker Tue 23-Sep-08 12:53:44

This happened 7 years ago now, i had a boyfriend, with him nearly two years. Not a very good bloke, hit me, drunk too much, disappeared regularly. My mum knew this and i assumed she hated him.
Anyway, my dad was away, and i offered to take my mum to the pub with me and my boyf. We all drank too much. Went home, i passed out. Vaguely remember waking up and he wasn't next to me. Next day, I went to work, when i called my boyf he was still at my parents home. Found this suspicious as he never stays there.

Too cut the story short, i accused them of sleeping together, my mum told me i was being paranoid. My boyf that i was sick in the head to accuse them. Few days later they both disappeared. Came home from work, all my mum's stuff gone. Same day my dad got back. My dad lost it, that my mum had left him. Tried to kill himself. Told him about my suspicions, everyone thought i was mad.

Truth finally came out few months down the line. Found her car written off near where we live with his stuff in it. She admitted it. On the phone, she said she did me a favour. As far as i'm aware their still together 7 years on. Never spoke to her or seen her since. I've been married and divorced. Now in a relationship with dp, one ds together 6months, we're going to relate as i can't trust him. Never done anything that i know of to hurt me. But i'm constantly looking for signs he's cheating. Like i don't want to be made a fool of again. The councellor at relate says i need to get angry and not let my mother ruin my life. But its so painful. You think you can trust your own mother. she raised you. loved you. Then she's gone. She's missed out on the birth of my daughter from 1st marriage, now 4. and my ds 6months. She's never even tried to contact me. so so hard. punishing dp all the time for a betrayal from the past. Any ideas?

onceinalifetime Tue 23-Sep-08 13:01:14

MP, that's terrible - it must be very difficult when the one person you should be able to trust in life lets you down like that. How's your Dad now? Not sure what to suggest but you do need to try and find a way to move on and get over this dreadful situation. Are you continuing with the Relate counselling? Could you have some sessions just on your own to try and focus on coming to terms with this?

MrsParker Tue 23-Sep-08 13:01:24

anyone?

MrsParker Tue 23-Sep-08 13:06:23

Thanks "onceinalifetime" my dad's moved on as i said was 7 years ago now. he's remarried and they have a son. We're still going to relate, only had two sessions so far, and i keep crying, keeps coming back to the past. My dp did suggest that i have some counseling on my own last night at relate. Counsellor thought it would be a good idea too. have to look into it. thanks for the reply? Any other ideas of how to move on from here? I was 24 when it happened if that helps.

hecate Tue 23-Sep-08 13:08:29

It must be awful, what a horrible betrayal. I think counselling for you would be good. It's not about the bloke, is it? It's about your mother. That's what you need to work through.

vonsudenfed Tue 23-Sep-08 13:11:33

I didn't want to leave you unanswered here. What a terrible story - and in some way you have every right to be furious and untrusting and still angry.

But at the same time, your counsellor is right - by staying angry you give her all the power over you, and let her carry on ruining the good things you've managed to build without her.

But you know you're doing this, and so in some way you are already on the way up again. Do you feel that the counselling is working for you? It sounds as if it might be, and that letting all of this anger and fury out seven years down the line is the first step in letting go (I know that when I had counselling - to do with my parents, but a different situation) I went through so many emotions, and at times it seemed it was getting worse, but in fact it was a part of the recovery.

dd waking, but will come back

MrsParker Tue 23-Sep-08 13:11:48

Too be honest as time has gone on I feel no loss over the boyf. But the feeling of betrayal by my mother has worsened since i've become a mother.I look at my children and could never think of hurting them. I can almost see why she did i, things not great between my dad and her, so she found a way out, just wish it hadn't been at my expense!

citronella Tue 23-Sep-08 13:11:57

I think you would really benefit from one to one counselling as well as relate if you can afford it. It is a huge betrayal and maybe you can't be expected to forgive and forget but you might get help with mechanisms to deal with it in relation to your new (seemingly good)relationship.
Good luck.

2rebecca Tue 23-Sep-08 13:12:16

How does your boyfriend sleeping with your mum make a fool of you?
He doesn't, he makes himself and your mother look sleazy and untrustworthy.
It sounds as though the main problem there was that you were going out with a toerag you're well rid of and your mother behaved dispicably.
I think going to relate or seeing a counsellor would help you learn to trust again as you'll drive this bloke away if you're always checking on him. People aren't possessions, you can never totally trust anyone.
I think people who trust and occasionally have their trust betrayed probably have a happier life than people who refuse to trust. If you are always having your trust betrayed then you have a problem with your character assessing skills.
Many of us are sexually deceived at some time or other, that's normal, getting hung up about it and letting it ruin the rest of your life isn't.
It's sad you've effectively lost your mum, but if she'd do that to you and break off contact it sounds as though the bonds between you probably weren't that great before she left.
Is your dad still about? Look after him.

MrsParker Tue 23-Sep-08 13:17:47

vonsudenfed I didn't realise my past was affecting my irelationship so much. Thought my accusations were rational at the time. But after a few councelling sessions i don't think i ever really dealt with the pain from the past, at the time, my dad needed me to be strong for him. I didn't want the world to know how much it destoyed me to lose my mum, the one person i always turned to. I think relate is helping, i'm feeling all the emotions as if i was back there, not sure if thats good. Starting to see i'm punishing dp for crimes he didn't commit, just need to figure out how to stop doing it!

MrsParker Tue 23-Sep-08 13:23:44

* 2rebecca* It makes a fool of me because i believed them, i felt guilty for accusing them. I felt ashamed that my 23yr old boyf, wanted my 43yr old mum more than me. Your right he was a toerag. So was exH. But i really know deep down my current dp is totally different. He's a family man, he works hard. he rarely goes out, but always invites me when he does. He's great, and i am driving him away, thats why were at relate. Just to add i thought my relationship with my mum was great, until this happened.

vonsudenfed Tue 23-Sep-08 13:25:41

No, I think that's good that you're feeling the pain now - once you have allowed yourself to feel it fully, it will abate.

And it will get better with dp once that happens - even the fact that you have understood what you are doing and why is a big step (and one that plenty of other people never even get as far as).

One question I would have though, is whether this is the only selfish and painful thing that your mother has ever done to you? Because if there is more of a past history to it, I think I would agree with the people who are suggesting one-to-one counselling or therapy as well as Relate. If there are patterns and history, it may take a while to get through, but it will be worth it (I speak from experience, I would never have lovely DH and DD without three years of therapy!).

2rebecca Tue 23-Sep-08 13:30:18

Can you forgive your mum now? Would you want to see her again? If the relationship between you was good before she left she maybe feels too ashamed and too fearful of rejection to contact you but may be delighted to hear from you. It sounds as though at some point you may feel strong enough to allow her back into your life so sending a letter may help get the relationship going again.
Are there any relatives of your mum's you can talk to to find out if she talks about you and to see if they think she'd like to hear from you?
It will be hard if she's still living with toerag but you can refuse to meet him.

charliechew Tue 23-Sep-08 13:32:03

MrsParker,

Just read your thread, 2rebeccas words are spot on. You just have to think to yourself, that you are better off without people like that in your life. Life is too short. You now have a ds and dp, don't let your mothers behaviour spoil or tarnish that. It's her loss. You have to forgive her, but that doesn't mean you will ever forget - for your own sanity. Good luck and try to move on.

MrsParker Tue 23-Sep-08 13:39:06

Part of me wishes she would say she's sorry for hurting me. my younger sister died a couple of years ago, she sent a card to the funeral to say if me or my brother ever needed her and her mobile.
My dad has been therefore me alot since it all happened. It brought us closer together, sort of a shared pain. He would be devasted if i had any contact with her. Too be honest how could i trust her near my new dp? She may try to lure him away too. My dd sometimes asks about my mum, i tell her she lives far away so i don't see her. I've started up contact with some cousins on her side. Nevedr realy broached the subject of what my mum did. They never mentioned she asks about me or anything. Shes still with exboyf who's very controling so doubt he'd like it
i would like her to know how its hurt me, thought about a letter, she's on facebook. but would it make me feel any better? Would she just be horrid, maybe she's not sorry, maybe its the best thing she ever did.

MrsParker Tue 23-Sep-08 13:41:13

going to have to bf baby then get dd from school. so if anyone posts will be back later, thank you all so much X

girlsnextdoor Tue 23-Sep-08 13:47:32

Would you have wanted that BF? Doesn't sound like it.
Why then are you so upset at your mum ending up with him?
It was 7 years ago- you have now been married, divorced and now with another partner. Is it not time to forgive her?

IMO what she did was not THAT wrong- it is not as if she "stole" your husband- he was only a BF who treated you badly and who you were well shot of, by the sounds of it. You mum could well be right- maybe she DID do you a favour!

Perhaps you could try to put yourself in her shoes-her marriage was obviously not that great, which you, as a much younger person probably did not realise- did she ever confide in you? She has now lost a daughter and a grandson she never sees.

Whose decision was it not to keep in touch? Yours? hers? How can either of you let 7 years go by and not even try to build bridges?

I can see that this post might not be what you want to hear, but as a MN who is probably your mums age or even older, I can see it from her side. She must have been desperately unhappy for a long time to leave your dad so fast. She hasn't ended up with the best man in the world from what you say.

I would suggest you keep going with the counselling, but also ask yourself what exactly it is that is making you so mad- is it sheer jealousy that your Mum went off with your boyfriend,who you didn't really wan anyway? If so, it is time to move on. You Mummay well not have contacted you because she feels you will reject her. Why not give it another chance?

docket Tue 23-Sep-08 13:47:35

counselling, just for you perhaps rather than Relate.

I have had a lot of trust problems after going through something similar. After counselling I felt better about everything and was able to actually have some confidence in others again.

Sorry for you, bloody horrible

vonsudenfed Tue 23-Sep-08 13:48:25

I think that you should write a letter, a long long letter, but on paper - not Facebook. It can only do you good.

But whether you then want to send it is something you can only think about (perhaps along with dp and your counsellor) when you've written it.

And of course you want her to say sorry (I wanted exactly the same thing from my father), but part of the process of letting go is, perhaps, accepting that this isn't going to happen, and that our parents just are the people they are. Even if this is, frankly, crap.

FWIW, I also think you posting on here is a really good thing - you're acknowledging that this awful thing has happened, and being supported by people, and that can only be a step forward.

2rebecca Tue 23-Sep-08 14:01:23

I wouldn't not see your mum just because you think it would upset your dad. It's your dad's choice whether or not he lets you contacting your mum upset him. Devastated seems a pretty dramatic reaction in a man who has remarried. What difference will it make to his life? He doesn't have to see her. I would never emotionally blackmail my son like that telling him that if he spoke to his dad I'd be deeply hurt. I wonder if some emotional manipulation by your dad has helped deepen the gap between you and your mum.
I think you should only contact your mum if you want to try and reestablish a relationship with her. Don't do it just because you want her to say sorry. If you are to have any sort of relationship with her she will say sorry, but reestablishing a relationship has to be about both of you, not just about you feeling better.
My mum is now dead, so I probably feel quite strongly that family feuds are best sorted if possible before it's too late. If you're still very bitter best leave it for now though. Seeing your mum and having a row won't help anything.

MrsParker Tue 23-Sep-08 14:04:26

baby now having a nap. school run shortly! the post from girlnextdoor upset me, still is to be honest, feel on the verge of tears. Why am i uoset with my mum ending up with Boyf?!?! I don't care about him, i care that she lied to me, that she convinced me i was going mad, that she turned her back on me after 24 years of being there.
She's not sorry, she's never said sorry for hurting me. I don't want exboyf, at the time i thought i loved him, but now looking back it was not a healthy relationship.
I'm angry coz she chose him over me. She cared so little for me that she did what she did. So in response i'm not jealous about my ex, but deeply hurt at how she betrayed me. i loved her, but she didn't love me

MrsParker Tue 23-Sep-08 14:24:05

When i say my dad would be devastated, its because he took the split from my mum very hard, as i said he tried suicide. My mum and dad always had affairs growing up. just never with any of my boyf's, and they always got back together.
I wonder how i would feel if she was dying, whether i'd want to see her, and i don't know the answer. I guess part of me wishes she wanted a relationship with me, but i guess she's made her choice. Why hurt anyone else, like my dad. He's never said I can't have contact with her.
Guess i'll keep going with relate and look into one to one councelling for me, I know it was a long time ago, i know i should of moved on.

Tanee58 Tue 23-Sep-08 14:43:47

MrsParker, really sorry to read your story. FWIW, I'm older than your mum, but I was bemused by girlnextdoor's post - unless she was trying to play devil's advocate. What your mum did was unquestionably wrong - whether it was your BF or your partner or your husband, and however unhappy she was with your father, it was still inexcusable and I am very surprised at Girlnextdoor's attitude.

I appreciate that your hurt stems from her betrayal of that unique mother-daughter relationship, particularly as she tried to lie about it. My only thought is, if she was really very unhappy, she may not have been thinking straight. She may even have been feeling on the verge of desperation and clutched at the pathetic straw offered - your no good BF. You said your father was so upset he almost killed himself - perhaps your mother was equally mentally unwell due to the bad place that she and your father were in. You may not have been aware of how bad that was, they may have been putting up a brave front for their children. That's me trying to find some sympathy or understanding for your mother, some extenuating circumstances.

However, that does not deny the hurt and betrayal you have every right to feel. You are very fortunate that your father is now happy and you have a partner who loves you. Please stick with Relate, perhaps discuss with the counsellor whether this is something you should find individual counselling for, as the problem is fundamentally not about your present partner, but about the past betrayals. My DP and I are having our 3rd Relate tonight. With us, also, the problems we are having are more to do with my DP's father, who is dead and can't answer for his actions. The first couple of sessions were very upsetting, but I'm told things do get better, you need to persevere.

One thing girlnxdoor said, you might consider, though, has there been ANY contact between you and your mother. Do you WANT any contact? Do you have any information about her present situation, ie is she happy with this man? If she was having some sort of a breakdown at the time, she may be bitterly regretting it now, but afraid of your rejection if she tried to build bridges.

So you may need to ask yourself, do you want to have it out with her and maybe reconcile, or do you want to deal with this without her involvement ever again in your life - which would leave you with questions about her love for you, which you will have to face up to never getting answers to. It's very hard to feel a mother doesn't love you - and maybe you need to make contact, perhaps through an intermediary family member, to find out exactly what was going on in her head at the time. It may be that she did and does love you, but that her mental state made her commit the worst mistake of her life, paying a heavy price by losing you. Alternatively, you may remember other things in your childhood and youth that lead you to think that your mother was failing in her love for you in other ways also - and this is something you would have to work through with a counsellor - such a mother would be better kept out of your life, so that she can do you no further harm. Only you can know this.

Follow your instincts, feel what you need to feel, do what you feel is right for you and your family now. Whatever you do, I do wish you and your partner the very, very best future together.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 23-Sep-08 14:52:16

Would certainly suggest counselling for your own self - you're punishing your partner for the sins of your parents. Your Mother ran off without warning, you subsconsciously feel it will happen again. You have to unlearn these destructive patterns.

It sounds like both of your parents should have parted long before they actually did but for reasons only known to them (societal convention at the time and nowhere else to go probably) they stayed together. Those are their issues to address; not yours to continue to carry for them.

You were doubly betrayed by the two people whom you loved most at that time; first off by your boyfriend and secondly your Mother. You need to work through the pain of the betrayal brought on you by your Mum in particular, she put another man before yourself.

Write a letter by all means but do not send it. If you want an apology from your Mum I don't think you're going to get it.

It was grossly unfair of both your parents to have acted the ways they did; they both put their own emotional needs and wants in the family unit well before yours.

BTW you may find the "well we took you to Stately Homes" part 4 thread helpful. I'd post your initial response on there and see what replies you get from them too.

girlsnextdoor Tue 23-Sep-08 15:01:29

I appreciate that your hurt stems from her betrayal of that unique mother-daughter relationship, particularly as she tried to lie about it. My only thought is, if she was really very unhappy, she may not have been thinking straight. She may even have been feeling on the verge of desperation and clutched at the pathetic straw offered - your no good BF. You said your father was so upset he almost killed himself - perhaps your mother was equally mentally unwell due to the bad place that she and your father were in. You may not have been aware of how bad that was, they may have been putting up a brave front for their children. That's me trying to find some sympathy or understanding for your mother, some extenuating circumstances.

This is what I was saying too.

I am sorry that my post upset you- I was trying to enable you to see that there is always another side, which this poster has tried to show.

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