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dh feels he isnt important anymore

(23 Posts)
misdee Tue 23-Sep-08 12:39:15

bit iof background for those that dont know.

2002 dh dx with a serious heart condition

2005 dh placed on heart transplant early in the year, mid year admitted to hospital for an artificial heart, ended up staying there till end of summer 06

2007 summer dh gets a heart transplant

2008 normal for dh, i am, however, pregnant, suffering morning sickness and spd. so dh has taken over a lot of the stuff i did.

he has said he feels like he isnt important anymore. we didnt do much for birthdays/anniversary this year due to money, and me feeling ill. also our sex life is practically non-exsistant due to the SPD as it feels like my hips are cracking. i am sleeping a lot. also have had a lot of hospital appt for myself, and dd's who have had accidemts over the summer hols and required hospital treatment.

so what do i do?

CountessDracula Tue 23-Sep-08 12:40:35

Maybe he is missing all the attention he got when he was ill. He was the centre of attention for so long. Now he isn't

Cappuccino Tue 23-Sep-08 12:41:30

oh misdee sad

it's hard - obv you know this better than anyone - looking after someone who is not well. I know that dh found it hard when I was ill last year, and he didn't have all the history that your dh has

it's a 'this too will pass' thing, isn't it? though that's not a lot of help I know

Iklboo Tue 23-Sep-08 12:43:08

Poor misdee! And poor Peter.
Can you tell him that, unless he was doing the things he is doing for you, the family would fall apart/you would be even more poorly?

Or could your wee ones make him a nice thank you card and ask grandparent to help them make him a cake or something? sad

hecate Tue 23-Sep-08 12:43:41

I think CD has a point. For so long everything was all about him (understandably) it is bound to be a huge adjustment. But he needs some straight talking, I think.

Cocolepew Tue 23-Sep-08 12:43:48

DH has to realise that you need to be the centre of attention now. You kept everything going when he was ill and now it's his turn to step up to help you. At least you know that you will feel better after the baby,it's not going to last forever.
I'm afraid I wouldn't be too sympathic to him. Sorry blush

Cappuccino Tue 23-Sep-08 12:44:26

you need to sign him up for mn and tell him it's his time to do a stint

CountessDracula Tue 23-Sep-08 12:45:57

I think you need to impress on him that he is important, just like you were still important when your whole life revolved around his illness. However you chose to put your own needs second to his while he was ill. He now needs to be similarly selfless.

misdee Tue 23-Sep-08 12:46:04

CD thats generally what i am feeling too. he was the centre of everyones attention for so long he is finding it harsd to adjust. i told him i need some looking after atm and for him to help me more, which he is doing, and i love him for it. but i dont want to made to feel guilty that he isnt getting every last drop of attention that he had before.

he just doesnt seem very happy atm.

MamaG Tue 23-Sep-08 12:46:21

To be blunt, whilst I do sympathise, there isn't really that much you can do about it at the moment other than be really appreciative of the things he does for the DDs while you're feeilng crap. He isn't your average Dad "oh I'm so left out" though, with his history is he, so it is difficult.

How long have you got left to go, about 7 weeks? Then you'll need time to recouperate afterwards and THEN hopefully your family life can get back on track.

Can you get a babysitter so you can spend some quality time out with DH, meal/movie type of thing so you don't get tired out.

Poor both of you

CountessDracula Tue 23-Sep-08 12:47:00

I think it is an understandable feeling (to miss the attention)

He needs to realise that that time is over and he has a place in the family that involves him being supportive.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt Tue 23-Sep-08 12:49:02

Ah. but he is important, he just doesn't reaise it. With the role reversal he is able to keep the household running while you grow this new baby. If he wasn't able to help in the ways he is doing now, you really would be in the deep brown and smelly.

Also I think it is quite expected that you eventually come back down from the post-transplant high. Do you think this is part of it?

misdee Tue 23-Sep-08 12:50:55

8weeks left. but probably c.oser to 6 weeks tbh. plus we are in the midst of moving house hell as well. which isnt helping the stress levels.

so, my feeling of post transplant adjustment is probably correct?

Cappuccino Tue 23-Sep-08 12:55:15

it sounds about right

but also it is easy to feel unimportant - esp when you are struggling with an ill partner - just to get the washing done and the packed lunches made and everyone where they need to be

don't we get threads from mums moaning about this every week? I agree your dh has the added complication of coming out of this intense period of his life, but let's face it, it's still pretty thankless

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt Tue 23-Sep-08 12:56:31

Oh yes. I would defo say this is more about how he feels about himself and his role within the family/world, rather than how he feels about your relationship.

I didn't realise you had so few weeks left. How exciting smile

misdee Tue 23-Sep-08 12:58:07

its scary iliketomoveitmoveit, i feel huge (i'm not!) and getting panicky now in case we havent moved by the time baby arrives

how is your little one doing?

misdee Tue 23-Sep-08 13:02:38

i know capp. which is why he isnt doing every last thing that needs to be done. even on mornings when i am hugging the loo continuously, i am still up and getting the girls ready to school and doing as much as i can to help out.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt Tue 23-Sep-08 13:06:16

He's fine thank you. He's curled up in my arms as I type grin

Take some time to sit and talk with P and give yourselves the chance to get everything of your chests. You're probably both feeing the strain of the housemove and the imminent arrival, but that strain manifests itself in different ways in both of you. Love each other, be kind to each other, and take it easy when you can smile

misdee Tue 23-Sep-08 13:07:15

now you know i need to see a picture of your baby dont you? oooo go on.

Oliveoil Tue 23-Sep-08 13:09:34

dh's grandad had a heart transplant and he seemed to have a personality transplant at the same time

went from being a life and soul type to quite maudlin

is he a member of any transplant support group/websites?

this may be quite common, a feeling of comedown and 'worthlessness' iyswim

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt Tue 23-Sep-08 13:21:01

Will let you know when I have a pic on my profile - dh has yet to take the pics off the camera.

misdee Tue 23-Sep-08 14:20:22

Oo, i did ask dh if when they took his old heart out if they removed his personality at the same time blush

have asked if he will go to conselling but he wont.

EffiePerine Tue 23-Sep-08 14:25:18

Misdee: I find even without any additional isshoes that it's easy to get into a bickery cycle with DH when things get stressful. One thing that does help for us is what I call Operation If You Can't Be Nice Be Quiet Day. Sounds a bit wanky, but I set a time limit (like one day) where I make a real effort not to say anything critical, or nag (which I usually do too much) or anything like that. Plus a few random acts of kindness like making DH a cup of tea or buying him a new biro grin. I don't expect any reciprocation, but what usually happens is that DH is nicer in return, which makes it easier for me to be nicer to him and so on, thus breaking the cycle.

Of course, if there's no reciprocation it can be really draining so you would need to try something else, but I find it's always worth a go

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