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My DH wont socialise

(31 Posts)
optrex Tue 23-Sep-08 10:43:36

He's always been one to keep himself to himself. He finds small talk etc impossible. I find it a struggle too, but I'm concerned about it (whereas he isn't) and when people invite us anywhere he always just stone walls it. If he does come he's silent to the point of making people uncomfortable.
He has no real friends any more (despite the fact that people love him and try and contact him he just thinks its 'not worth it')
People everywhere he has ever worked like him but say he's hard to get to know....

He's actually side splittingly funny and everyone who has been forced to get to know him (through work or uni) etc says he's fabulous fun, but when he leaves somewhere he just cuts all ties...

I pretty much know there is nothing I can do but has anyone any ideas? He's not going to make an effort because I ask him to - its just not in him. I spoke to someone in his last work that said it took 18 months for them to realise how great he is. Thats not really good enough for a dinner party

We've moved and I'm meeting new mums - people are starting to ask us to parties and barbeques etc and I either have to go on my own or not go. Now the winter is coming its getting much more couply (as opposed to something I could take the kids to in the summer).

If people ask the pair of us, is it ok to go on your own?



He's brilliant and I adore him by the way.

fortyplus Tue 23-Sep-08 10:47:53

God, this sounds so familiar! I've got one just the same. It drives me mad! The worst thing is I can't go away with him on our own because he doesn't talk to me, either! He's only comfortable at home or with a small cross section of our very oldest friends. He was quite interesting when we met but sad to say he's often very boring now.

Just to put you in the picture...

He recently bought himself a metal detector...

He bought me a pruning saw for my birthday...

GooseyLoosey Tue 23-Sep-08 10:49:47

I have a friend whose dh is like this. She is very open about the fact he does not like to socialise and comes out on her own.

optrex Tue 23-Sep-08 10:49:54

oh forty! you have made me laugh. Mine does to talk to me thank god. Just no-one he hasn't spent at least a year with

DisenchantedPlusBump Tue 23-Sep-08 10:52:10

He sounds like me!

Its just the way he is, leave him be.

optrex Tue 23-Sep-08 10:54:37

disenchanted - this is it, I don't want to change him, but I want some mates in my new village! bit by bit where we were before people got used to it and no-one batted an eye lid when I came by myself but that was achieved by him coming along because I FORCED him (early twenties, thought I could change him) to go along a few times until people were relieved when I came by myself. I'm too old to go through that again....

fortyplus Tue 23-Sep-08 10:56:08

Last time we went away together I won a raffle prize of one of those Warner adult breaks. Thought he might be a tad offended if I took one of my friends instead of him...

By the 3rd day I'd got so fed up of trying to kickstart conversations that I played a little game instead... How long will it be before dh speaks if I don't say anthing?

Usually about 20 mins! grin

So wicked, aren't I?

DisenchantedPlusBump Tue 23-Sep-08 10:56:10

Just go alone,

tell them DH is watching the kids.

I would HATE it if my DH pressured me to go to some crappy BBQ where I would feel uncomfatable and not talk to anyone (which is exactly what I would do)

optrex Tue 23-Sep-08 10:57:51

Disenchanted - ha ha :D thats not you is it MrOptrex? <narrows eyes>

DisenchantedPlusBump Tue 23-Sep-08 10:58:30

<checks face for stubble>

nope grin

optrex Tue 23-Sep-08 11:30:30

:D disenchanted

so what do you do forty plus?

whoops Tue 23-Sep-08 11:34:25

My Dh is like that!
I keep being asked if we would like to go to dinner with friends but he just won't go. I am open and tell people he isn't sociable but it doesn't bother me as I have more fun when I'm out on my own and not worrying about him feeling awkward and also we don't have to pay a babysitter grin

optrex Tue 23-Sep-08 11:39:48

whoops : do people think its odd? or stop inviting you? I think I'm just going to have to brazen it out. gulp.

CountessDracula Tue 23-Sep-08 11:41:03

is he shy?

RnB Tue 23-Sep-08 11:41:29

Message withdrawn

optrex Tue 23-Sep-08 11:43:36

Ha ha ha - no, he's not shy, and yes he is a computer programmer!!!! grin

optrex Tue 23-Sep-08 11:46:05

shy isn't the word, its simply that he wont say anything unless its really worth saying (in his own eyes). Pleasantries such as 'how are you?' and 'thats a nice dress' have never once passed his lips.

Thankyouandgoodnight Tue 23-Sep-08 11:46:08

I would absolutely tell everyone in the normal course of events that he's completely adorable but totally unsociable and doesn't go out in public (or something equally dramatic). People will probably be quite intrigued and ask you a bit more about it and then you can tell them how it is. The, they'll all know how the land lies if they want to invite you anywhere and no-one feels awkward!

RnB Tue 23-Sep-08 11:49:30

Message withdrawn

RnB Tue 23-Sep-08 11:50:38

Message withdrawn

optrex Tue 23-Sep-08 11:56:27

RnB - thats pretty much him. I could stamp my feet, cajole, pay, nag, insist he is even just moderately polite - nothing doing.

When I met him he'd already got to know a group of people (took years apparently) and I went out with the whole group - by this time he was integrated and on top form. He didn't say much but every now and again said fabulous witty things and then went back to being silent - this was intriguing and it took 6 months of shagging him senseless (quite a one-to-one business) and falling hopelessly in love before I realised he was a nightmare to take out with my mates. It was a bit late by then, I was hooked.

RnB Tue 23-Sep-08 11:56:58

Message withdrawn

RnB Tue 23-Sep-08 12:00:00

Message withdrawn

optrex Tue 23-Sep-08 12:00:08

was this connected to you splitting up, if you don't mind me asking RnB?

MuffinMclay Tue 23-Sep-08 12:05:56

My dh is like this. He just cannot do small talk or playground chat to save his life, and will avoid it if at all possible. He is incredibly shy (as am I) but comes across as arrogant because of this. He is fine with people he knows well.

If we're invited to BBQs, birthday parties etc I go on my own (it is his idea of hell) and, tbh, I prefer it. If he comes I'll spend the time worrying that he isn't enjoying it, looks sullen etc. I do look a real 'billy no mates' though.

My dh can turn it on for work purposes (has to do a lot of schmoozing clients), but says he finds it hard and doesn't want to do it in his spare time.

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