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What do your oh's do around the house and with the kids to help? not coping and no support from dp

(13 Posts)
fedup1981 Mon 22-Sep-08 11:40:17

I don't know where to start sorry it will be long. I have been with dp for 3.5 years, we have 13 month old ds, and two kittens. I have PND, on citalopram but it's still here, not vastly improved really.

The kittens have been poorly since we got them a month ago. First one, then the other, now both with diarrhea. It was my idea to get the kittens, and I have cleaned up every single accident, and done everything for them. Ds has been poorly too, first diarrhea (coinciding with getting the kittens) then chronic nappy rash, then a cold.

I work part time from home, and have just taken on an evening cleaning job for a lady who I didn't realise is a hoarder worthy of Kim n Aggie, because we need the money. Dp works full time in IT.

Our house is an enormous mess, I just don't know where to start. I have a skin condition at the moment, my hands are so cracked and weeping it hurts just to open them. Exposure to water alone makes me want to cry in pain, everything irritates it and makes it worse. As such the place is filthy, and I'm drowning in it all.

Today alone I have a huge pile of work to do, the house is a state, I have all the unpacking and washing to do from going away to mil's, ds is whingy with his cold and doesn't want to be left alone, and the kittens are having watery diarrhea and one isn't eating- we took them to the vets last week but I have lost the fucking antibiotics they gave me and I cannot find them anywhere.

I haven't eaten or had a drink yet today, the only thing I've managed to do is change and feed ds and attempt to feed the cats. I have phonecalls to make and cheques to put in the bank and prescriptions to pick up, and basically, my dp doesn't help with any of it.

He does virtually nothing at home. In a day he may make me a coffee, fetch a nappy or a sleepsuit, possibly even wash a bottle or stick some washing in the dryer. The stock answer is "I work" and I've always been too ashamed of the fact that I'm not coping properly to really challenge him on this attitude. My sister says I may as well be a single parent as I get no support or practical help from him at all.

What do your dh/dp's do in a day in addition to work?

hecate Mon 22-Sep-08 11:55:31

I'm not sure it would be helpful to you to list all the things other husbands do. I think you need to focus on what you need help with, and how to get that. It's not fair of him to leave everything up to you, but would knowing that other husbands do the dishes, or load the washing machine for example, lead to change for you?

Yes he works - but so do you. He works outside the house, you work in it AND have a part time job! Tot up your hours spent working and compare them to his - I bet you'll find you do more!

What about weekends? at the weekend you should share any tasks. It's only fair - why should you have a 7 day week, while he has a 5 day week?

And if looking after the home is your job - tell him that you're considering giving up the part time paid job because why should you do 2 jobs, while he does one?

AND he can only do his job because you are taking care of everything else! He needs to recognise how valuable you are. Send him a bill - going rate for all of the jobs you do - cleaner, cook, nanny, chauffeur etc.

Anna8888 Mon 22-Sep-08 11:58:41

I know this isn't helpful - but why did you get the kittens?

jasper Mon 22-Sep-08 12:21:55

Get rid of the kittens.

How long have you been on citalopram? If more than a few weeks and it is not helping go back to your GP as a matter of urgency and get the dose or the drug changed.

These are two practical steps to help yourself which will make a massive difference to your burden and to how you feel

Tortington Mon 22-Sep-08 12:28:07

get rid of the kittens.

buy gloves for your hands

men sometimes need allocating things.

long gone are the days where i expect dh to do something becuase he should.

for many yearsi have said - this is how things are working now - depending on jobs etc.

at the moment. dh does v. little during the week - he works very long hours and fairness dictates that i should do most of the chores.

it doesn't dictate that i do most of the parenting - i know this might not apply to you yet - but this is something i am ironing out.

i say that DH's jobs are

empty the bin

tidy our room and hang up clean clothes and sort them out.

he does the latter on a sunday.

sit down - and think about what would be fair.

he gets home from work - you too have been working all day

perhaps start there - get an agreement that he acknowleges that you have been working all day too.

then sit down and talk about what chores he thinks it is fair for him to do

i think its very fair - that if one person cooks - the other should wash the pots.

i think thats fair

i think its fair that he should have your child whilst you have a shower.

i think its fair that you alternate bath and bed times.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 22-Sep-08 12:35:12

Everyone here has made very good suggestions.

Would also suggest you have the kittens rehomed.

Would return to the GP asap and have your medication reviewed along with having your hands examined (wear gloves). This may be excema also exacerbated by your underlying stress and part time job.

Your partner needs to pull his socks up sharpish and you're going to have to tell him otherwise any love you have for him will turn to hate and you'll end up leaving him. Just because he has a full time job does not excuse him from doing no chores at home. Presumably his Mother also did everything for him when he lived at home hence his attitude now. You are not an extension of his Mother and he should realise that.

Ripeberry Mon 22-Sep-08 12:46:59

Sorry to sound harsh, but at this point you do not need any extra stress and kittens will bring on stress!
Get some kittens when you are all feeling much better and when your DC is older lets say 5yrs old.
Getting kittens now is not good and they seem to be making trouble.
There is no shame in giving them to someone or a society who can give them all the attention they need.
YOU need to give yourself attention and sit down right now and have a nice cup of tea and something to eat.
How are you supposed to look after others when you can't look after yourself?
Hope you feel better later. But really you MUST re-home the kittens for your health.

claireybee Mon 22-Sep-08 12:50:18

When we had dd dh did nothing around the house or with her but a lot has changed in the past two years!

He comes home from work and baths both dc - this works for us because it was the evenings I was most struggling with. When I was bathing them it was a quick wash then out because I didn't have the energy or time to do more. DH makes bathtime playtime so not only does it help me out but means he spends some time having fun with them each day. While he is doing this I have a quick tidy up downstairs, prepare/cook dinner, or even sit down for a while and watch tv depending on how organised I have been earlier in the day. I then feed ds while he gets dd her milk and then we each put one of them to bed.

He does most of the ironing, I wash it, sort it into stuff that needs ironing and stuff that doesn't then he spends a couple of hours ironing whilst watching sports at the weekend. I put it all away because he is incapable of recognising whose clothes are whose!

He mows the lawn

He puts the bins/recycling out (we sound really traditional don't we?!)

He generally does one load of washing up at the weekend.

If I ask him to he will hoover but he doesn't think to do it otherwise.

If ds wakes up early and won't go back to sleep dh will get up with him-I do all the night wakings so he does the early morning.

Like Hecate says we looked at the things that would most help me and that is what he helps with, it will be different for you depending on what time of the day you find hardest/which things you find most difficult to get done

Dropdeadfred Mon 22-Sep-08 12:50:29

Tell your DP you are both responsible for jobs/childcare in the house once he is back home from work...
surely he knows that anyway?

Weeteeny Mon 22-Sep-08 12:59:43

You must go to your GP and get something for your hands. I have had this before and steroid creams works almost immediately, within hours the cracks and weeping bits will start healing. Also avoid getting them wet where possible. Wear gloves in the kitchen.
Your DH is not doing enough, he may work however his working day ends at 5 or 6 etc. Your working day doesn't and he needs to understand this. It is affecting your health and he needs to know this, if he realises this already and is still doing nothing then he is acting in a ridiculously selfish way. This evening ask him to put the little one to bed and then sit him down and tell him straight that you need more help than you are getting. Custardo's balance of work looks fair. Please do this, you can't continue like this, and if he cares about you he will listen.

You sound exhausted and need
Is there anyone that can help you get on top of the housework or even look after the little one whilst you

claireybee Mon 22-Sep-08 13:00:42

Oh and also at weekends I get to have a long shower/use the toilet in peace!

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 22-Sep-08 13:03:48


This is not exactly new behaviour on his part is it?.

fedup1981 Mon 22-Sep-08 13:19:00

Thanks everyone for sharing your advice and experiences.

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