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Just How Selfish Am I??? Go on Girls I Can Take It.

(45 Posts)
KumquatMaye Mon 22-Sep-08 01:05:49

Eeep, where to start. I am in the process of ending an unhappy marriage, of 10 years, but I have two children, aged 6 and 18 months who are just brilliant.

My husband and I have had so many problems for so long...we agreed on the number of children we would have, got married, he changed his mind about having a family, and ever since then it, everything has been a battle. We had our son, argued like cat and dog over the work, the responsiblilty, which he was VERY reluctant to share. He went to pieces and wanted to spend more and more time away, with friends, drinking his sorrows away. I was dead set on having baby no. 2, I was so heart broken that he was shying away from our plans and dreams, and I'm sure you know what i mean when I say I was desperately broody. We did break up in 2005, before we had our daughter, as I said I had to accept we wanted different things.

He said he didn't want to lose me and at the 11th hour agreed to have a 2nd child. I didn't really listen to the nagging voice that told me trouble was ahead - I was naive. It took us 8 months to conceive her, and he didn't change his mind. We struck a 'deal' where I agreed to do all the work, night waking etc. I kept to this.

However that was when it started to go really Pete Tong. He was away as much as possible, took a hobby 4 nights a week, became very possessive of our son. He said that meeting me was the biggest mistake of his life, repeatedly. He threatened suicide and terrified I referred him to our doctor, who concluded he wasn't. However whilst I was pregnant I found suicide notes, all left where I would find them.

Our beautiful DD was born and he stayed with me 2 minutes after she was born before leaving. In the months that followed, He moved into the spare room, I became stressed and ill and had a nervous breakdown. Nothing was working and I was sick of pretending. He was vile to me and I begged and begged him to change his mind. When she was 3 weeks old he again threatened suicide and I was afraid to let him out of my sight.

Even 15/16 months later, he was still 'punishing me' - I was told not to tell him I loved him, to get off, not touch him etc etc. Stopped from going out completely and stopped from having friends round. Eventually I snapped and went on to have an affair with a guy I met on line. Sleazy, very Jeremy Kyle....I know.

I am disgusted with myself for being unfaithful but I know why it happened. As soon as I said it was over to Dh, he has started to try and make ammends but I do not trust him anymore and love has gone. The respect has gone.

I am taking the decision to end the marriage, but I keep reminding myself that I am not escaping a violent relationship, I have children and ought to try and make a go of it for their sakes. But I want no more rowing, upheaval, etc etc, I want peace for me and for them.....how selfish am I? Go on....your opinions please. PS I am still seeing internet guy who I can't wean myself off. But i know things may well not work out with him, even though he is rather lovely. blush

KumquatMaye Mon 22-Sep-08 01:06:38

OMG my apologies for how that turned out to be.....sorry!!!

thumbwitch Mon 22-Sep-08 01:15:58

I don't know that I think you are being selfish - your DH does sound like an immature twat who sulks when he doesn't get his own way and agrees to things to "keep the peace" - but it rather depends on how he is with the kids, doesn't it? Is he good with them despite not really wanting them? or does he just ignore your DD? If the latter then away you go with all good wishes; if the former, well, I still think you are on a hiding into nothing staying with him.

Amends is too late. It should never have got this far. But if you are making a break and a fresh start, it would be better to do it without some random internet guy in the picture as well.

KumquatMaye Mon 22-Sep-08 01:21:47

Thumbwitch you are very kind to take the time to read the above. You also sound very astute, you hit the nail on the head. He is, I think, an emotional bully and you are right it should never have got this far. It is my second marriage so I just couldn't admit how horrendous it was for ages and ages. Lots of pretending.

He does ignore DD, yes. And uses DS to 'compete' with me. Last night he got him out of bed and made him cry about the separation to make me feel dreadful. I feel so helpless.

Internet guy, I know, I know, it started off random but then I met him....we really hit it off! But I've been hurt too much now not to be sceptical so he is just eye-candy for now lol.

thumbwitch Mon 22-Sep-08 01:38:20

KM, from what you have said, I think it would be kindest all round to leave him as he is being terribly manipulative and it is not going to benefit your DCn being brought up with that kind of person in the home.

I wish you all the luck in getting out - do it for your DD if not for yourself and your DS as it will be vile for her to grow up being ignored by her father.

HelpMNINeedYou Mon 22-Sep-08 01:45:05

Your H does sound like a emotional bully, but TBH I don't think you have helped the situation with forcing the issue of a second child, regardless of what was initially agreed between you both before you married.

Don't get me wrong I completely understand the broodyness and longing for a child, any child 1st, 2nd and so on. But something as life changing as having children should where possible always take into account both of the adults feelings.

If your H is using your DS to play emotional games with you, then IMO you need to get away. Protect your DC from this sort of emotional baggage. They will be picking up on all sorts as it is already, let alone being dragged in to it by their dad.

The internet affair is wrong, wrong, wrong in that respect yes you are selfish. It is not nice being on even the perceived end of an affair, emotional or otherwise. But to actually be on the end of an actual affair is awful.

You need to take the moral high ground, end the affair (if it is meant to be it will happen) and decide what you want for your life and your DC"s lives.

I wish you well.

Monkeytrousers Mon 22-Sep-08 01:47:54

Fuck me, you are making the right decision! You aren't compatible buyt have kids - so seperate and do the best you acnm which is better than if you stayed together. Nothing selfich, just realsitiv and pragmatic. You both - and your children - deserve some stablity and contetedness - forget romaticism - reall life calls and happiness is to be found in stability.

Monkeytrousers Mon 22-Sep-08 01:48:44

forgive my keyboard dyslexia!

KumquatMaye Mon 22-Sep-08 11:30:40

I really appreciate your messages. I too feel that the whole affair thing is wrong...integrity is so important to be and yet I have been hoisted by my own petard (or some such expression). Yet I was so crushingly lonely for so long, it was hard to resist being talked to, listened to, held etc. I could have had the moral high ground had I left before it got to this stage, and now I don't so won't pretend I do.

I'll never judge anyone ever again now I've been on the 'bad' side of the equation....I know how it happened, how it could happen to anyone who is so unhappy.

Anyway, regardless of lovely sexy internet man this WOULD have happened sooner or later - it was unbearable. I agree that we are incompatible and I also agree forcing the issue of DD was wrong, I was so obsessed and blinkered.

But longing to make the best of it now and stabilise life for the 3 of us. Any more opinions....I'd be grateful! Can't talk about the whole situation in RL and friends and family keeping their distance atm.

Tortington Mon 22-Sep-08 11:36:08

i think you know that having the second child was not the right decision - and you bullied him into it

i don't think its all one persons fault - i think you have done a v. mean thing by having an affair - cake and eat it - it sounds like - you are keeping internet man dangling becuase you can't finish with your husband first.

your husband is immature and hasn't taken any childcare responsability this is unacceptable day to day it must be impossible for you - and i dont know how you do it.

i think that the split is probably the best thing

but its not one persons fault - there is fault on both sides

KumquatMaye Mon 22-Sep-08 11:52:03

Thanks Custardo. Well I probably should say (forgot this little detailo) that things with the split are well progressed. I took my wedding ring off in May and told him it was over. We are in separate rooms and have no normal couple contact. I didn't do anything physical with RIM (Random Internet Man) until I had made it clear to DH it was over. We now have a separation agreement drawn up and he moves out on 11th Oct. I am changing all the bank details over today....

As far as bullying him into 2nd child....I take that comment. I can see that point of view. But I keep coming back to the fact that we had already agreed that when we got married, it was SO important to me? And after he agreed to a 2nd baby, it took us 8 months to conceive her and he went for it quite enthusiastically...no jigggery pokery was involved! (well only the usual grin

KumquatMaye Mon 22-Sep-08 11:53:43

But yes I think i needed the emotional crtuch of RIM in order to make the break, I do see that and it is nothing to be proud of to be that needy at the age of 35 blush

beanieb Mon 22-Sep-08 11:56:02

The fact you had an affair aside:

I think maybe you have thought about what you want a little more than you have thought about what he wants/needs. You don't seem to have accepted that he is suffering from a mental illness.

On the other hand his behaviour seems to be very manipulative and unfair on you.

I would say all other things aside you are doing the best thing splitting up and you should make it clear to him that you no longer love or want to be with him.

However, he will be entitled to see his children and so you need to get used to the fact that he will always be intheir lives and to some extent yours.

HappyWoman Mon 22-Sep-08 12:01:03

I think the 'should i stay for the childrens sake?' is a question that will always have NO from me.
I am sure we have all at some point thought whether that is the only reason we are staying.
But having experienced it as a child i know how wrong and damaging it is. And selfish too. My parents stayed in an unhappy marriage because they were both too scared to make the break. Now my mum is so ill she needs my dad as her carer. They both have got what they deserved to some extent - my mum looked after by a man who she knows only does it out of duty and not out of love and he dare not leave now (what sort of bastard would do that?) They are both trapped, but i am sure both thought they were doing the 'right' thing by not splitting up the family for what would have seemed selfish reasons.

It sounds as if you are finally being honest with yourself and know what you need to do in your heart - have the courage to do what you believe is right and even if you do make mistakes your children and others will know it was done for the right reasons at least.

Be brave - it will hurt your h but better that he is free to find his own life than trapped with you and no real love - not meant as harsh as it sounds.

HappyWoman Mon 22-Sep-08 12:03:47

I dont think you bullied him into having second child btw - he must have been willing to some extent toowink.

Monkeytrousers Mon 22-Sep-08 12:04:03

Look. relationships are messy and complex, no one can judge you really as allw e have a a few scant details. You have what you wanted though, two beautiful kids. You just weren't compatible on this issue. It's not the end of the world so dont' feel too guilty about it. You are both doing the right thing.

Maybe I'd say just try to learn something about yourself so you can maybe handle such a dilemma better in future.

Monkeytrousers Mon 22-Sep-08 12:05:48

And a lot of people initiate affairs in order to get the strength to leave current relationships. It's not nice, not perfect but it happens often.

KumquatMaye Mon 22-Sep-08 12:46:57

You know what every response on this page has an element of rightness about it...I would only disagree with beanie in that I was TERIFIED that he was ill and depressed and that the suicide thing was real. I referred him by letter to the GP begging them to help him because I was under so much stress with a 3 week old baby. They catagorically said that he was at no risk of suicide just that he was in an unhappy marriage! My HV found this out off the record as she was worried about me and in face I ended up being the one referred for counselling as I couldn't cope under all the stress.

I was in bits, I unravelled and don't know how I coped looking back. I became over-vigilant with LO and him at the same time, hence the break down...my Mum came every day to knock me, the house and the kids into shape for a year. I feel so humiliated everyone knows my marriage is a failure but I have guilt too of course because of how the last few months have played out in a way I never imagined.
But I agree also yes he is entitled to be loved and I don't love him, I can't. I don't trust him, fundamentally, to be there for me since when I was ill he ignored me, left me to rot and in fact piled more stress on top of me.

KumquatMaye Mon 22-Sep-08 12:48:32

Oh and btw I was very moved by Happywoman's story, it really struck a chord...thank you for being kind enough to share that with me.

captainmummy Mon 22-Sep-08 12:58:30

RIM is a side issue - that's to do with you and you only. The other issue is to do with you as mum (so you and dc) and you as wife (so you as othe half). You should never 'stay together for the kids', that's an out-dated concept from when women were dependant on a husband for their whole lives. You and the dc will be fine. You and RIM will do what 2 people have always done(have a relationship of some sort and it will either work or not). Your DH however is immature and unable to have a proper relationship with anyone, not you, not the dc, not even himslef, if he really is suicidal.

Sorry to sound harsh, (I am going through something similar myself) but you and the dc are better off without him. There is NO guilt in that. If you don;t love him, and he doesn't love you, what's holding you back?

KumquatMaye Mon 22-Sep-08 13:08:07

Er...that will be the guilt captain! But you are right. It is time to deal with realities here, and honesty is the only appropriate situation. Inspired by above comments I have phoned DH just now and said that although there is fault on both sides, I am sorry about how I have treated him over the summer (he does know about RIM....to some extent: obviously don't want to tell him everything and hurt/enrage him either further...)

Captain, I really don't believe he ever was suicidal. it was emotional blackmail, he was punishing me for getting my way with DD. He bought a book from the internet on suicide methods, left it in his car where I found it one day reaching for a map!!!!! I was VERY distressed, he eventually RESOLD it on ebay for £150...how utterly low is that.

Monkeytrousers Mon 22-Sep-08 13:37:56

Well, spending 150 quid on a book would make me suicidal! grin

Twelvelegs Mon 22-Sep-08 13:41:22

Not too long, don't worry. If you don't love someone and you have stayed despite all of his reluctance to be a Father and good husband then you have done all that you can. Walk away and give yourself a chance to find happiness, your children will benefit from having a healthy relationshiop model in their lives.

dollius Mon 22-Sep-08 14:43:08

Hang on a minute.

After your first child, you finally accepted he wouldn't have another one and took steps to leave him. He begged you to come back with promises of a second child after all and you then spent eight months conceiving one. No, you did not bully him into a second child.

You did not start a relationship with the RIM guy until after you and your husband started living separate lives, albeit under the same roof. I would argue you didn't have an affair at all - just a little rebound action.

You are being far too hard on yourself.

Your husband:

Agreed before you married to have two children.

Immediately reneged on that agreement.

Made your life miserable after you had one child and refused to have another.

Begged you to come back with promises to change.

Reneged on that too.

Refused to have anything to do with his own daughter.

Refused to lift a finger to look after his own children/pull his weight in the house.

Is now using your son to emotionally torture you - to your son's psychological detriment.

You are a saint to have put up with him for so long. Please don't expose your children to this anymore - get that separation finalised and leave him. He obviously doesn't want a family and never did - he lied to you about that.

dragonstitcher Mon 22-Sep-08 15:14:20

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

He is an emotional bully. I left my emotionally abusive husband almost four months ago. The Freedom programme has really helped me with feelings of guilt etc. (((hugs))) to you, you really deserve better.

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